Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Phase 7: the Best Day in my Recovery (thus far)

Today was such an amazingly wonderful day! Why, you may ask?!? Because I was able to completely trust my Higher Power and remain fully aware and alert in my abstinence. I walked around High as kite all day long today... almost manic even. I was literally exuding joy, happiness and excitement!!!

I woke up VERY early this morning and text messaged with a fellow (she's a new mom and has as erratic a sleep schedule as I do). On my way to school I decided to call a newcomer I met a couple weeks ago, and I am so grateful that I did. I was able to share with her a lot of the things that my sponsor has shared with me (about progress and not perfection) and help her while simultaneously helping myself. I also go her to commit to coming to a meeting on Thursday. I feel like just reaching out to made, even if I said nothing of value, made both of our days more wonderful.

I enjoyed my morning class, where we learned more about group therapy (loving this topic). Then I was off to the gym and enjoyed my workout and mindful meditation class. Right after class, I had my therapy session with Dr. Marson. We spent the ENTIRE hour celebrating my success and the progress that I have made. For the first time ever I felt that I deserved to be happy... and she let me just sit and fill the room with my joy. I owned my success in working out, eating mindfully, abstaining from purging and living life just one day at a time trying to recover from my eating disorder. I told her that I really had lost the desire to purge, and for today my obsessions with food were manageable. Each day is going to be different and I feel that I am able to handle them. It felt AMAZING!!! I did not have to feel ashamed or guilty or like I was being conceited. I just got to feel over the moon with Joy. I instinctively wanted to not spend the whole time talking about it, but as time went on, it felt really comfortable to just enjoy it.

That being said... I have to remember that my diseased/vulnerable self has a very cunning and baffling side that can pop up at any moment. I spoke with Dr. Marson about how I feel really good, but am ambivalent to sit with that for too long. I have to still remember that I am a bulimic and that I have been known to binge and purge over being exceedingly happy. I am so grateful for my recovery and my abstinence today, but I am still at the beginning of this LIFE LONG process.

I didn't get to read Dr. Marson my writing about my worst day of my disorder, because we were focusing on the good stuff, but just having it written, (and seeing that it was 3 pages of hot mess) was very freeing for me! Hopefully I will get to read it to her at another time. I went ahead and read on, and the next step is to talk about my current stage of recovery. According to Costin & Grabb there are 10 Phases of Eating Disorder Recovery, and their next writing assignment is on which stage I am currently in

I feel like today, I am a solid 77. I CAN STOP THE BEHAVIORS, BUT NOT MY THOUGHTS.
-I can't stop thinking about food and binging all the time.
-I keep counting calories over and over in my head and still want to lose weight.
I feel like I have been completely relieved of my desire to purge. In the last approximately 50 days I have only thrown up twice,and to be honest, I would be perfectly fine not doing it ever again. My awareness about the purging (as well as my experience with my abstinence) has completely ruined purging as a coping mechanism for me. I know that wont make anything better, that it complicates my health issues, and to be honest, the last time I did throw up... it REALLY hurt. However, I still obsess a lot about the food, my weight, and engage in body checking behaviors. 
Food Obsession: Even though I know I need to eat larger, more satisfying meals, I still want to plan out my entire day of food, and obsess about making sure that it is perfectly balanced and not too many calories. Hours of my day are dedicated to this process, and it makes focusing during important events. I also am obsessed with the scale and wanting to weigh myself. For years, this is how I have defined myself and I still want to use it daily. I have removed it from my primary site, but I am still very much aware that it is there. I also still do a lot of body checking and negative self talk. I am particularly fond of how well my ribs and my hip bones protrude from beneath my skin. I am trying to incorporate more positive body checking rituals like vocally showing appreciation for my body, openly thanking it for all its hard work, not sucking in my stomach and just looking at myself and telling myself that I am beautiful and that I love myself. I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I am on the right track. Secretly I have not fully accepted my body for what it is, yet and want desperately to lost more weight. I am still holding on to the idea that "Thin Is Perfect" and I need to be thin to be worthy of anything. But, as long as I keep doing what I am doing, I am certain that I will make more progress.

I made another call to a different newcomer on my way to the 6 o clock meeting and felt equally as beneficial and lifted. Now that I have eaten my dinner I am starting to come down, and am soooo ready for bed. For now I am going to veg out and try to get to sleep early. So here are my AEIOU's for this MARVELOUS day.

A- Yes
E- 30 minutes rowing, 30 minute walk, 1 hour mindful meditation
I- I allowed myself to feel joy for all of my accomplishments, fed myself intuitively, went to a meeting, did program reading, meditated love and kindness, Put myself to bed early.
O- outreach calls to two fellows (both that went REALLY well), gave away a lot of energetic hugs, sent several outreach texts.
U- I can trust God to do for me what I have been unable to do on my own.

Cheers to more days JUST like today (or better). God, I pray that you help keep me abstinent for yet another day.

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