Friday, April 26, 2013
Moving a Mountain
This was the quote that I woke up to today on my dailyrecovery app. I think it is pretty poignant to where I am at in my life right now. I'm becoming really frustrated in my recovery. Not that I don't enjoy being in recovery... but some days it just feels like too much work!!! I get irritated when I feel like I can't do anything right and that it is not ever going to make any sense to me. I just want to have it all figured out TODAY!!!
For me, my Bulimia, restricting and compulsive eating is a mountain that I am trying to remove in my life. It is blocking me from being able to be present and genuinely enjoy life. But this is not a removal that is going to happen overnight. Each day in my recovery is just one small stone... and there are many stones that have to be carried away. I have already moved quite a few, some of them heavier than the other, but staring at the giant mountain left in front of me becomes very intimidating.
The stone that I carried away today was one that was tied to not listening to my body. As you guys know I have been struggling for the last week and a half to try to add more food to my diet. Dealing with feeling disgustingly fully and miserable, it feels like I should just be binging. So, just for today, I listened to my body. I didn't eat to the clock (well, not as strictly as I usually do) and ate when I was hungry. I didn't eat in the order that I "thought" I was suppose to, and I ate what i really wanted to eat. I think this worked out much better. Don't get me wrong. I still felt really full after my dinner and was a little uncomfortable, but I didn't eat my last snack until about an hour ago, and I am OK with that! I can eat at 10 o clock and night and it doesn't mean that I have to binge. These are all things that signify a "Diet" and I am trying to eliminate the "D" word from my vocabulary.
I went to Group Therapy this morning, and we went over the goals that we had set for ourselves for the week. We have one food related goal, and one non-food related goal mine were:
Food Related: I will keep what I eat every day this week & not weigh myself this week
I did really good with both of these goals this week. I did not purge once... even when I REALLY wanted to. To be honest, my desire to throw up has pretty much disappeared since I started eating more satisfying meals. Except on the rare occasion that I felt like I REALLY overate (Mexican food and lunch on Thursday) And I stayed away from the scale... even though I was tempted to do it. On the first of the year I brought the scale out of hiding, hoping that my will power would be strong enough for me to really lose some weight and appropriately track my progress. So far, that has proven to be impossible...So, after talking about it today in group, I decided that it is time to put it back in its respectful place on the top shelf of my Mother's closet. Having it in the bathroom, where I have to see it several times a day is like a reminder for me that I am unhappy about my weight and that I define myself by the number on the scale. So, when I brushed my teeth tonight, I put the scale back in my Mom's room. I'm really good at the whole "out of sight, out of mind" things, so I am hoping that I'll forget about it in a day or two. However, I am running a half marathon on Sunday and the first of the month is coming up, so I am going to be VERY tempted to pull it out. But, just for today... I will weight myself on the day that will never come: tomorrow.
Non-Food Related: I will find one thing to be grateful for everyday this week.
To be honest... I completely forgot that I had written this goal... but I feel like it is something I did pretty subconsciously ;) Maybe I can try to incorporate it into this week and add it to the blog
My goals for the upcoming week are
Food Related: Be less obsessive about counting calories and more intuitive about food choices. Use running for meditation and not food planning
Non-Food Related: Do my readings for my classes!!!
We'll see how these work out. I think I might have set the bar a little high, but I have hope for myself :)
The rest of my day was nice and relaxing. I enjoyed a wonderful podcast from the OA intergroup, because I choose not to go to a meeting so I could spend more time with Tyler. The speaker had a lot of really great things to say, and I enjoyed hearing her strength and hope. Two things that I pulled from her share was her definition of being a Compulsive Overeater. It gave me an idea to do the same thing for myself, since we have some differences
I am a compulsive overeater and bulimic, and there is no quantity of food in the world that is going to fill me up. I will eat until I am sick and then I will make myself throw up. To fill the void, I will then just keep eating. I will eat and purge until I am miserable. I will eat foods in excess that I do not even WANT. I will spend hours and days figuring out what I am going to eat, when, where and how to eat. I will spend an equal amount of time figuring out how to get food because I cannot let myself fill that place with love, compassion, integrity or God. I am not perfect, I will never be perfect, but I will always be a compulsive overeater and I need to learn to accept myself just the way that I am so that I can begin to heal.
The other one was: "One of our slogans is not: "I'm going to figure it out."" and the theme that losing weight is not what my recovery is about. I heard this message yesterday at the meeting, it is about accepting myself exactly the way I am and learning to be comfortable in your own skin in order to love myself unconditionally. . She spoke about being at goal weight, and still feeling absolutely miserable, but feeling more comfortable in her own skin at a much heavier weight. I know that this is something that I really need to start affirming to myself daily in order to start making it a part of my life.
With all of that being said... it is time to my AEIOU's so I can go to sleep!!!
E- ran 35 minutes (4.35 miles)
I- had some jacuzzi time and relaxed, listened to my body to dictate when I should eat, and not external ques. I called two people that I respect in program to talk to them. I was honest with myself today. I choose to listen to a podcast instead of going to a meeting to spend time with Tyler
O- I outreached to fellows, volunteered at the Suicide Prevention Center and helped 3 people in suicidal crisis, I made myself available to a friend to help her figure out a very big decision in her life.
U- I do not remember how to live without being on a "diet", but I am willing to learn :)
Time for bed :)