Monday, April 8, 2013

A Brand New Day

In true, Christina fashion I have been absent for a couple of days... which means I had another relapse.

When I did it, I knew EXACTLY what I was doing, and had no remorse for the fact that I was doing it. I lied to people's face, and gave a big "F**K You" to my higher power and decided that it was time for me to be in control. I made a mistake, and I gave up 27 days of beautiful abstinence for it.

However... coming from a strengths based perspective, i think there are a lot of positives that came out of this relapse.

1. It was only for 24 hours, and I only threw up twice.
2. As soon as I woke up, I told on myself and asked for help
3. I got out of bed, and out of my own head
4. I was honest with Tyler about lying to him and gained more understanding from myself and from him
5. I went back to a meeting
6. I forgave myself and did not get locked in self hatred and pity

4 weeks ago, this would have lasted for weeks, I would have thrown up at LEAST 10 times, I never would have told anyone, I would have never left my bed, except for when I HAD to, I certainly would have lied to Tyler (and everyone else for that matter) and pretend like this was normal, I would have let my mean and shamed self win, and I would not have gone back to another meeting and I would be telling myself what a disgusting, worthless, failure of a human being I am.

I do not feel shameful about this relapse. It was something that needed to happen, for me to truly understand where I was at so that I can move forward. To me, this was a lesson in doing too much too fast. I wanted to be the best OA member in the WORLD and be on cloud 9 all the time... and I was not being patient, practical or kind to myself. I also needed to look at exactly what I had been doing over the last 27 days, and needed to see that I was still being very restrictive, I was still using my "Diet" mentality and I was still in so much pain and agony internally over the food. I was still letting the food rule what I was and wasn't doing. I couldn't go to rehearsal without worrying that I was going to FLY OFF the handle and eat everything, I couldn't go out with friends without being fearful of eating foods that I did not want to eat. I could not deviate from the foods that I had set aside for myself or else I would begin to feel guilty, get moody or agitated and have to take it out on other people.  If my relapse hadn't happened over the weekend, I guarantee it would have happened sooner or later.

I made the decision, against my sponsors suggestion, to restart my abstinence. I am suppose to be taking a 30 day chip tomorrow, but I know deep down inside I would NOT be able to live with that. I think of it this way, if an alcoholic went out and had 5 drinks in a single night, he would not get to keep his sobriety time... so thus I can not claim a genuine and authentic 30 days of abstinence. And I am perfectly content with this. Just because I do not get to take a chip tomorrow does not mean that I have to "completely" start over again. I learned a lot about myself, and my disease, and I have more time abstinent now than I have had in a long time. I may be restarting the clock, but I am not restarting as a clean slate.

However, this means there needs to be some adjustment to how I have been doing things. First, after a lot of thinking, writing, and discussing it with other people, particularly my sponsor, I have decided that I need to change my Abstinence. "No bingeing and No purging" is too restrictive and WAY too much for me to handle right now. Instead she suggested that I take a more positive approach and sit with the idea of

"I have to keep what I eat"

Being a social worker, you would think that coming from a strength based perspective would come naturally... but honestly... it just doesn't. ESPECIALLY when it comes to my own life... but that just is not my reality. I am going to start here, and build at a pace that is more reasonable and realistic to me. I am also go to stop engaging in bulimic behaviors. This includes Over exercising. I believe I mentioned the other day that I am no longer allowing myself to run more than 3 days in a row. This will be the first week I am trying this out, so lets see how it goes :) I also have to start living in the day. I cant dwell over what has already happened, and I can not control what is going to happen in the future... so I need to learn to just be present in my future. EASY DOES IT!!!

And with that, here come my AEIOU's for the day.

A- I remained abstinent by keeping what I ate for the day :)

E- I ran 6.13 miles, slowly and steadily

I- Today was a selfish day. I forgave myself, I took a nap when I was tired, I pitched at a meeting, and I set some very healthy boundaries with my clients and supervisors. I allowed myself to eat breakfast at my breakfast table . 

O- Man, this was a tough one... I gave out A LOT of really good, long hugs today. I told a fellow that I loved her, and wished her well.

U- I do not have to be shameful about my mistakes. I can be grateful for the opportunity to learn from them and carry myself forward. I am not a bad person, because I have to set boundaries, I am just being protective of the most precious gift in the world: ME.

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