Wednesday, May 29, 2013

1 is 1 too many and 10,000 is never enough...

II heard this shared at a meeting tonight, and MAN is it true. There are so many foods in my life that this is true for, that's it's actually sort of scary. But sometimes I get too caught up in the CANT HAVES that I forget all about all the wonderful things I do have in life. (Is that a Gratitude list I hear coming on?!?!?!)

1. Beautiful Southern California Weather
2. A roof over my head in a quiet, safe and friendly neighborhood
3. Reliable Transportation
4. A family that is will to do anything to help support me, and almost always puts my needs first
6. Friends who are flexible and gracious enough to give me so many gifts
7. My strong voice back :)
8. That I no longer have to go to internship and can use my time freely
9. My five senses
10. A program that keeps me grounded!

I called my sponsor tonight just wanting to check in and she gave me an impromptu five minute writing assignment on: The correlation between food and Exercise:

Food is fuel to allow me to do the things I need to do in any given day. Sleep, breathe, move, sit, stand, be the daughter, girlfriend, best friends, sponsee, student and Social Worker that I need to be. Exercise is what helps keep my body and mind active. When I run, it is my time to think, and physically work out the problems that I am unable to solve while my body is at rest. Both of these things are necessary to my everyday life. When I exercise, I feel good about myself. I feel that I have accomplished something in my day and done something positive for myself. Food then becomes my reward for doing this "good deed" for my body. "Great job killing that 6 mile run, Christina!!! You are awesome, and deserve a wonderfully nutritious breakfast!!!" When I don't exercise I feel as though I haven't treated my body appropriately, and I immediately feel like, "well, you didn't exercise... so why fuel yourself with anything good?" You indulged in your laziness, so you might as well keep at it with the "bad habits". 


My relationship with food and exercise has changed a lot in just the last few months. It use to be the exercise was my punishment for binging and purging the night before. A way to physically "melt away" my shame and disgust with myself. I never felt as though I was making progress, and I just felt as though I was mediocre at best. Now, exercise is a reward for treating my body right, and almost my permission to continue to eat well. It is the only way that I can feel good about feeling hungry. Which is insane, because hunger is a natural human feeling that we all should be feeling at various times in the day!

It's a work in progress.

I still have some reading to do, and very much would like to go to sleep. I have had a very productive, and good day, and I would like to end it on that note :)

A- Yes. And I was sober with my food.
Breakfast: 3 egg whites and 1 yolk, kale and mushrooms, with salsa and avocado. 1/2 cup of oats with banana and honey
Snack 1: Nectarine and almonds
Lunch: Veggie burger on a sandwich thin with olives, feta cheese and romaine mix with mashed sweet potatoes and grilled broccoli, asparagus and cauliflower
Snack 2: chobani blueberry Greek yogurt with chia seeds, hemp seeds and walnuts (it was gross... never again)
Dinner: Home made 3 bean vegetarian soup and half a piece of flat bread with hummus

E- I ran about 5.25miles. (My watch died, so I just ran the same route I walked on Monday). I also did a lot of house cleaning (laundry, cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, cleaned my bed sheets and made the bed).

I- I moved at my own pace today. I prayed to my HP and wrote down a new daily meditation, I read Just for Today, I took my time with everything, I returned phone calls I had been avoiding, I exchanged running shoes that were too small, I went to a meeting, I checked in with my sponsor when I felt like binging, I asked if rescheduling something with friends would be possible (even though I was scared they would be mad). I started working on my paper, I did reading for class tomorrow :),

O- I spoke with two fellows, donated my old running shoes, I cleaned and did laundry for my Mom

U- There is always going to be a reason for me to go to the food (heck... I don't really need a reason). Most often it is going to be FEAR of something, and we project what we fear. I am afraid of being alone forever, so I isolate knowing that I wont ever have to be disappointing. When I am judgmental of others, it is usually because I am being very judgmental towards myself.  But my strength is going to shine through when I am able to be gentle and compassionate with myself and accepting of others. It is OK to be scared, but it is not OK to live in fear. My solution is faith... faith that WHATEVER is suppose to happen will happen. For today, I can let go of my self serving fear (I wont get what I want, how I want it, when I want) and I will open my heart to my HP's will for me.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

I feel Pity... So Much Pity...


Sorry to go MIA on you guys... but it was not a pretty weekend! I went to bed friday night after bingeing on some not so pretty foods :( I woke up Saturday feeling even more congested and sicker than Friday and could not breathe! I decided that I was not going to run my race on Sunday... which was really crushing to my Ego... So I decided to pity binge/sleep/dope myself up with medications all day on Saturday and Sunday (Not a good idea/ insert lost of unnecessary foods and self pity here!). Secretly, I think I was hoping I would just wake up Monday and it would all be over..... like a bad nightmare.

Well, Monday Morning came and I decided it was time to get out of self pity mode. I took a shower, took a shower, made myself a good breakfast, went for a nice 5 mile walk, and even spent the evening catching up with a really good friend....... but THHHHHEN the food started talking to me and I gave me... #Recoveryfail

I woke up today still feeling sick, still feeling miserable and not wanting to do anything. I made it through most of my day, but then at 3:30pm (after waiting waaaaay TOO long to eat, I was craving sweets). I started with vending machine cookies (big no no) and then wanted to have a donut. Luckily for me... there were none... so I came home and just ate random foods. I didn't snap back in to reality until I realized that I was ignoring a call from my best friend in the whole world so that I could play the self pity game.... Christina Michelle... WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!

I snapped out of my food delirium and called her back right away. We talked for an hour.. I cried, she empowered me and I fessed up to the box of Graham Crackers and jar of frosting that were hiding under my bed (and still are).

I am avoiding conflict in my life like CRAZY right now... and my solution is to go to the food. However... that is NOT going to work. I just have to stop. I'm done eating for the night. I'm done pitying myself for the night, and the rest is history. I need to start putting in the footwork again...on all levels of my recovery... not just the ones that I want to work. So tomorrow is another day :)

A- Yes. But I was not sober with my food.
Breakfast: Oatmeal
Snack: banana and PB
Lunch: 3 hardboiled egg whites with flatbread, string cheese, kale, mushrooms and avocado and a pear
Snack: yogurt and a package of M & M cookies
Dinner: .... i dont think it can be called a dinner.... Bagel with Cream Cheese, Veggie Straws, bowl of cereal, reminants of a PB jar, chocolate covered raisins, organic chex mix, a hershey's kiss, Bowl of turtle Ice cream, 

Breakfast: Eggs, veggies, avocado and 1/2 cup of oatmeal, and Banana
Snack: Greek yogurt almonds
Lunch: Rice Veggies and Tofu
Snack: Fruit and String cheese
Dinner: Home made vegetarian soup with flatbread and Hummus :)

E- I took a 40 minute walk around campus with my friend and then did 30 minutes on the elliptical at the gym and stretching

I- I went to class, I answered my best friends call and told her how I was REALLY feeling about things going on in my life right now, I was honest with my sponsor, I went to the doctor to check on my cold (which according to him is "just bad sinuses"), I laughed with my classmate, I read "For Today", I asked God for Help, I checked my voicemail

O- I reached out to two fellows, I held the door open for someone, I cleaned out my voicemail box, I gave empathy and compassion to a fellow in need

U- I am being very resistant to change right now because I do not want to face my fears. I am afraid of failing in my recovery, so I am not giving myself the chance to succeed. I would rather avoid the conflict that comes along with change and seek "comfort" in the food. I am getting "stuck" on the negative and forgetting about all of the positives that I have in my life. Mistakes are PART of the process, not THE process. Simply because I am not perfect, does not mean that I am a failure and i can not keep beating myself up for not being "berfect".  I want to push away the people that are encouraging me to grow so that I can stay where I am most comfortable (in the discomfort)... but this is a temporary feeling that I can not hold on to any longer. My name is Christina, and I am a Compulsive Overeater and my disease wants me to die sad, miserable and alone. But I want to live Happy, Joyous and Free and am willing to go to ANY lengths to get there.... Starting with the AEIOU's 

Friday, May 24, 2013


Hello Beautiful People,

I feel like CRAP today!!! I woke up with a tickle in my throat that has now transitioned into a REALLY annoying runny nose. I keep telling myself that it is "Just Sinuses" because I have a Half Marathon on Sunday!!! I really don't want to miss this race, but if this progresses any more... I am going to have to bail out :(. My plan is to rest up tonight when I get home and see how I feel in the morning before driving to Ventura to pick up my bib. I'm praying to the race Gods that this is just a mild issue that will magically resolve itself by then. A girl can dream, can't she?!?!

I had group therapy today, and it was acutally a PERFECT topic/theme for what I have been struggling with this week. Normally we just go over the goals we had set for the Week and end up talking about issues we're having, but instead the facilitator brought in an exercise on the Family System (Oh Joy). It basically asked us to look at our role within our families (however we define that) and see what function our ED is playing in helping us maintain that role.

As I mentioned the other day, struggling with some feelings I am having towards my mother. Thankfully I have not been eating over the issue, but I know it is something that I have done very viciously in the past. I kept meaning to write about it... but I have been so preoccupied with school that I hadn't really had a moment to process what has been going on. Well, today I got that chance!

My mother is a wonderful and caring person. Growing up I watched her play the role of the single parent so heroically, that I always use to wish that I could grow up to be just like her. I thought that she was brave, fearless and strong... and she showed me that anything is possible as long as you don't let the bullshit drag you down. Being that I was her only child she pretty much spoiled me rotten and showed me nothing but PURE and unconditional love.  I was never left wanting for more. We were always very close, and for a good period of time, she was my best friend. Growing up, we did EVERYTHING together. We would spend time together watching TV in bed, we always ate dinner together, we both have a shopping addiction and she was a volunteer co-leader for all of my girl scout troops. She attended every soccer game I played, ever choir concert I sang in, every stage show that I preformed in (even when I was just an ensemble member) and was always a chaperone for school trips. I could talk to my mom about EVERYTHING. School, boys, sex, relationship (yes those are 3 different things), work, you name it... me and my mom discussed it. She always made me feel heard and that my thoughts mattered. I still, to this day, talk to my mother daily... and not just because I live in her house. I did the same thing when I lived in Riverside too. Sure, we had our disagreement on some things, but most of the time we got along just fine.

This was also probably because our main interest that we shared was food. We both loved to eat sweets, and big portions. It was not uncommon for us to spend an entire Saturday sitting in bed watching TV with a container of Oreo's... finishing at least one sleeve each. Second helpings were the standard, not an option and fruit and vegetables were pretty much non existent. We loved, more than anything, to go out to eat at Restaurants. We would eat Fast Food nearly at least a couple times a weekly, and Home Town Buffet was a frequent trip for us. Together we lived a life of unhealthy choices and no intent on changing that.

My ED has greatly changed my relationship with my mother. When I first told her about it several years ago, she blamed her self and felt as though she had made me the way I am. I tried to explain to her that this just wasn't true, but for the first time ever I became uncomfortable talking about a subject with my mom. I didn't want her to feel responsible for the binging and purging that I did. After all, it's not as if she MADE me put my fingers down my throat and vomit. To be honest, the disconnect between me and my mom began way before I "came out" to her about my ED. When I first started losing weight and exercising it changed our relationship. My mother had no interest in getting healthy, changing her eating habits or working out... but this became my LIFE. I was obsessed with losing weight, being as thin as possible... and we just sort of drifted apart. Through this drift, I began to resent my mother.

As I got thinner, she became fatter, and I became more embarrassed by her. I mean, how could she be ok wearing a 2x shirt and size 32 jeans?!?! I would have DIED. (Even typing that out hurts my heart). To think that I could have thoughts like this about the woman I loved most in life... but this was how I viewed her. I wanted her to want to be thin, like me. For the first time in my life I wanted to be ANYTHING but my Mother. There was no way that I was going to wind up at the age of 50 with so many health problems and people around me that wanted to spend time with me and I couldn't put down the damn cheese sodium and chocolate. Soon, my mom's obesity began to create lots of health complications for her. She has hypertension, diabetes, hyperthyroidsm (and now Ovarian Cancer). I became very angry with my mother... couldn't she see that she was slowly killing herself?!?! She is robbing ME of having her in my life for as long as humanly possible. Per her doctors advice and persuasion she would slowly start to change the way she was eating, but it was always inevitable that she would have cakes, cookies and Ice cream in the house at all hours of the day. The problem was she would eat one or two servings and I would inhale the rest before she ever had a chance to eat more. I began to feel resent towards her for that... because she was, unknowingly, "feeding" my addiction.

I hated myself for having these type of feelings about my mother. I was ashamed, angry, and I felt extreme guilt for having negative thoughts about the woman who had done NOTHING but love me unconditionally. I must have been the most ungrateful bitch ever known to man kind. So, I used my ED to punish myself for feeling this way about her. I used binging to help numb out my feelings or preoccupy my thoughts so that it was impossible for me to think the horrible things I thought. I purged as a way to deal with my guilt and shame. I may have wanted my mom to be another person, but I didn't have to worry about that if I was too busy feeling guilty and shameful towards myself.

For the last week I have managed to get very "sober" with my food, and have been sticking to my meal plan, and going to the gym regularly. Which means that all of my usual coping mechanism (binging and purging) are out the door right now. Lately, I have been snapping at my mom and saying some really hurtful things to her. Like, the other day she came home from a lecture at the Cancer Support Community declaring that she "Wants To Go Organic!!!". My response to her was... "Well, I'm sorry that it took getting cancer to finally get you to make some healthy decisions, but welcome to the club." Then when I came home from internship the next day I found a new container of Dryer's Ice Cream and a box of cinnamon loaf cake on the kitchen table. I became so angry, upset and disgusted.

1. It's really hard for me having those foods in the house because they're are very triggering for me

2. Because she doesn't need to be eating them with her diabetes, hypertension and all the GMO's could cause more cancerous cells in her body and the doctor keeps telling her she needs to lose weight.

All I could think was, "Well, here goes another empty promise." She asked me to go for a 30 minute walk with her, and I obliged (I will promote ANYTHING healthy in my mom's life). We had a really nice walk and as we were about to finish I brought up the new foods I found in the fridge... but in such a way that I just felt like a horrible human being: "You HAVE to stop buying that shit, Mom. What happened to going all organic?!?!? Do you know how bad all that stuff is for you?!?! If you can't stop picking up junk food every time you go to the grocery store I'm not going to allow you to go to the store by yourself anymore."

I was like a parent scolding her child for sneaking out of the house. I immediately saw in her face that I hurt her and her only reply was, "I know. I'm trying and it's going to take time" (I feel like I've had to say the same thing to Tyler on MANY occasions). I tried to apologize later, but I just felt awful.

Why am I hurting the woman who love me so much?!?!

Someone brought gourmet cupcakes the size of my head and several boxes of chocolate chip cookies to my SPC shit... BASTARDS!!! I got out of the shift without eating any, or even wanting any, but I was envisioning myself going home and binging. While I was driving home today I was rambling about all the feelings I was having to a good friend in OA. I had called her because I was thinking about binging and needed to get out of my own head ... instead she helped me uncover the missing link that I was avoiding. Me saying mean, and hurtful things to my mother is the little girl inside of me acting out. She is TERRRIFIED of losing her Mommy and she is willing to do anything to not focus on the fear. She is going to kick and scream and throw a fit (aka be mean, want to binge and take it out on everyone else) until I can show her that she is safe, and that whatever happens to her Mommy... she is going to be ok. The only way to do this is to not go to the food, and soothe her, and take care of her to prove to her that she is in good hands.

The reality is that one day my mother is going to pass away, and I am going to be left without her. But I do not have to be afraid because she raised me to be a smart, loving, and wonderful woman who can take care of herself no matter what. So For Today, I am going to take care of the frightened little girl who lives in fear of losing her mommy, and show her that it is going to be ok.

Even now, I still find myself wanting to change things about my mom. I keep hoping that my mom is going to hit "Rock Bottom" and have some big grandiose revelation and start eating healthy and running with me in the morning... the reality is... THIS WILL PROBABLY NEVER HAPPEN. And I need to learn to accept my mother EXACTLY as she is... and stop trying to control her life because I can't control mine. I need to accept her for who she is... RIGHT NOW and understand that she has her own life to live, and I can not preoccupy myself with her choices and decision. I can learn to express my concern for her in a much healthier way that does not become hurtful to her.

I'm really not feeling good, So i'm just going to do the Cliff Notes AEIOU version tonight so I can go envision taking care of my little girl.

A- Yes. Stuck to the plan I created yesterday. Here is Tomorrow's plan.

 1 cup Oatmeal with almonds, coconut, honey blueberries and cherries
Skinny Vanilla Latte and Banana
Pasta, veggies and sausage
Greek yogurt with cereal and almonds
Salad with Hard boiled eggs

E- I stupidly went for a 5.4 mile run today. I also had to walk to the far vending machine for coffee

I- I prayed to my HP, read Just for Today, fed myself sober foods, Checked in when I knew things "could" get messy, reached out to a fellow when I started thinking about binging, comforted the little girl inside me

O- I text a newcomer, reached out to another fellow, spoke with 2 suicidal callers, accepted my mother for who she is right now

U-  Me saying mean, and hurtful things to my mother is the little girl inside of me acting out. She is TERRRIFIED of losing her Mommy and she is willing to do anything to not focus on the fear. She is going to kick and scream and throw a fit (aka be mean, want to binge and take it out on everyone else) until I can show her that she is safe, and that whatever happens to her Mommy... she is going to be ok. The only way to do this is to not go to the food, and soothe her, and take care of her to prove to her that she is in good hands.

I'm going to go veg out with some tv and hopefully sleep until 6am tomorrow :)

Pray that I wake up feeling better than I do right now :/

God, Just for Today, please help me stay abstinent and sober with my food and give me the willingness to reach out when my desire to do this is lacking.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Quick Shit!!!

Hello! It's been a really long day. I've been up since 5am.... So you're getting the short version tonight. It was a great day, and I'm really excited to write more about it tomorrow for you.

A- Yes! This is what I ate today...


3 egg whites, kale and bell pepper, avocado, Flatbread and Salsa

Side of Berries
Snack 1:
Banana and Almond butter with coffee

Chocolate milk

Oatmeal with almonds, coconut, honey, cinnamon and milk
Snack 2:
Mediterranean Salad (veggies, lettuce, 1 cup beans, feta cheese, olives and dressing
*This salad was AMAZING!!!
Greek Yogurt
and cereal

And this is my food for Tomorrow :)
3 egg whites, kale, veggies, avocado, , salsa, olives, and feta cheese

Banana, ½ cup oats with water and protein powder (I ran out of soy milk, but REALLY want oatmeal tomorrow morning)
Nectarine,coffee and almonds
Rice, Veggies and Tofu
Greek Yogurt and Cereal
Homemade vegetarian soup & Flatbread.

(I've been in a "recipe" mode. This is my first time making soup... Stay tuned for reviews!)

E- I ran 4.28 miles in 35 minutes (treadmill speedwork). and 15 minutes on the rowing machine and then stretched for about 5 or so minutes. I made sure to take the elevator everywhere I went

I- I completed my project on time, I was attentive and participatory during class, I scheduled time to meet with my sponsor, I visited my Grandparents, I took myself to a meeting, I prayed to my Higher Power

O- I made 2  successful outreach calls and left 3 voicemails to fellows. I also text two fellows.

U- That the only thing I have control over is my willingness to turn things over to my Higher Power. I am not flying solo in life and I must have faith that he wants what is best for me and that he will take care of those things that are beyond my control. The first step is opening up the communication lines :)

That's all folks.... it's time for bed!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

OCD Sorta day!

Today was a bizarre day. Not a bad day, not a phenomenal day... but a middle ground day. I slept like shit last night, so I guess I was just really tired, and it spilled over into my day. However,  I had MANY things to be Grateful about today.

1. A perfect run in my BRAND NEW Brooks shoes!
2. It was my very last day of internship (yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay)
3. I got to go to one of my favorite meetings
4. I got to take a walk with my Mama.
5. It was the most Perfect Spring Weather Day (Sunny, yet cool with a light breeze!!!)

I planned on doing some writing, but I am working on a group midterm that I need to finish, so you're just going to get some really long AEIOU's

A- Yes. I kept what I ate... which was :
Breakfast: 3 egg whites (1 yolk), kale, mushrooms, olives salsa avocado
Snack: Apple and String Cheese
Lunch: Trader Joe's Pasta microwave meal and veggie sausage patties
Snack: Chobani Greek yogurt (chocolate, almond and coconut) with an extra handful of pistachios
Dinner: Grilled sweet potato and veggies with olive oil and cajun spice, a veggie pattie and 1/2 a ckn'       pattie (165 calories), 1/2 a mediterranean flat bread and a cup of blueberries and strawberries

E- I ran 6.03 miles (62 minutes), did some light arm work for 6 minutes with a 5 lb weight, and 10 minutes of stretching/abs. I took a 30 minute walk with my mom in the afternoon. 

I- I began my day with prayer and the "For Today" reading. Took care of business for my group and asked someone else to do the necessary printing, I enjoyed standing in the sunshine at lunch time, I went to a meeting and shared about some uncomfortable feelings I am having towards my mom, I fed myself real food all day long, I checked in with my sponsor and kept my commitments. Did most of my reading for class tomorrow. 

O- I left 3 outreach voicemails for people who I have not seen/heard from in at least a week, made two outreach texts, talked a new comer (it was his 3rd meeting, but he is also bulimic) and gave him my phone number for outreach :) I donated snacks from Costco to my internship because my Supervisors card was not accepted. 

U- I am angry at my mother for buying foods that are toxic to her health and my abstinence. I want her to care about what she is putting into her body and not do more harm than she already has (transference much!?!?!). I do not have to try and "fix" my Mom. I just have to accept her for who she is and love her unconditionally as she has done to me my entire life. I am allowed to have uncomfortable feelings (resentment, anger, frustration, and fear) and I do not have to shut out those feelings or make myself feel guilty for having them. For Today, I do not have to take any action for her, but I can be aware of how it makes me feel and pray to my Higher Power to help her heal mentally, physically and spiritually. 

Meal Plan for Tomorrow:


3 egg whites, kale and bell pepper, avocado, Flatbread and Salsa

Side of Berries/Grapes

Snack 1:
Banana and Almond butter with coffee

Chocolate milk 

Oatmeal with almonds, coconut, honey, cinnamon and milk 

Mediterranean Salad (veggies, lettuce, 1 cup beans, feta cheese, olives and dressing

Snack 2:

Greek Yogurt
and cereal

Work Out Plan for tomorrow:

Run: 35 minute speed work (approx 4 miles), 15/20 minutes rowing, 5 minutes abs. walk to and from the gym. Take the Stairs instead of elevator ;)

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Holding On to My Dear Life

Today during one of my Social Work Direct practice class one of classmates (and very good friends) who is in treatment for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Brought up a question that her therapist asked her that I thought was very interesting:

What would I miss if I NO LONGER had my Bulimia/Compulsive Overeating?

The immediate response I want to give is NOTHING!!! And admittedly, it was what I thought. I wouldn't miss the secrecy, the bad breath, the crumbs in my bed, hiding trash in random places, not having money because I spent it on random food, the embarrassment of knowing that I am a compulsive overeater, the diarrhea, the heart burn, the bloating, not fitting in my clothes comfortably, the self hatred... and that is just to name a few (we'll save that real list for another day). So it seems obvious that I shouldn't miss anything about my Eating Disorder, right?!?!

All diseases and addictions serve some positive person in everyone's life... otherwise we WOULDN'T KEEP DOING THEM. Like everything in life... there is a Yin and Yang, a Balance, a set of Pros and Cons that... and yes, even with eating disorders there are positive qualities that make us what to continue to engage in the behaviors that we know are not good for us. Whether those reasons are psychological, physical or even REAL at all is dependent on the person. 

So What Am I Holding On To?!

I am going to specifically talk about my Bulimia, because I feel as though my Compulsive Overeating has a story that is all it's own. I think the thing that all we kept me coming back to my bulimia was the release that I got from purging. The best thing to compare it to is when you come up from underwater and you take that deep inhale that goes through your entire body and you feel as if you have just had "New Life" breathed into. And man, let me tell you the fuller you are before you purge, the better that release feels. It feels as if a huge weight has been lifted of your shoulders and that you can now continue on your journey. Granted... this feeling doesn't last long, but it can be extremely Euphoric. 

I would also really miss the ability to just tune out EVERYTHING in the world. When I am binging and purging... nothing else matters other than the food in front of me, inside of me and waiting for me. It doesn't matter that I have homework to do, it doesn't matter that I feel like a terrible daughter, it doesn't matter that I think I'm the World's worst girlfriend, or that I hate myself, or that my Mom and Tyler want me to do things that I don't want to. I get to stop all of the incessant madness that is going on in the six inches between my ears. 

Most importantly... I'm going to miss the food. Let's be honest... the worst the food is for you, the better it tastes. Since I was a young girl I have always loved the taste of foods. Salty, Spicy, Sweet... It's like a party in my mouth, and EVERYONE is invited (except Fish and cooked Brussels sprouts.. YUCK). I love the texture, smell and taste of food. I love mixing delicious flavors together to create SUPER FOODS (Like chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with peanut butter... yeah that makes sense). I love the experience of chewing and swallowing. I LOVE FOOD. I still have a mini orgasm when I see a cheese and jalapeno bagel, or a white donut with white frosting and rainbow sprinkles. And don't even get me started on Cheesecake!!! If I could I would FUCKING make love to it (Screw American Pie... American Cheesecake). I know that I don't HAVE to give up any of these for the rest of my life, but the thought of not having them at all makes me super sad.

I am going to miss the immediate comfort that my eating disorder provides. From the first bite, I can feel the world melt away and like everything is going to be OK. Its hard to imagine anything else having that effect in my life.

Although I have NO desire to make myself throw up ever again, just writing about these things makes me crave them a little more. But I no longer crave the behaviors, I crave the effects. Each one of the effects that these behaviors induce can be created in another form. Comfort can be found by talking to someone, or getting a hug. I have LOTS of healthy foods that I think are delicious!!! There is nothing more Euphoric to me that exercise, or doing something good for another person. I can deal with my overwhelming emotions instead of pushing them aside and creating more negative emotions to deal with. 

For Today, I am willing to Let Go of the unhealthy ways that I achieve positive effects of my eating disorder and will try to replace them with less toxic behaviors. 

Today has been a good day for me. I was present, productive and I felt good about all the things I accomplished... so now I shall tell you about them in my AEIOU's :)

A- Yes. I stuck to my meal plan of 3 meals and 2 snacks, and did not binge or purge. I did have to fight off a donut craving or too, but I quickly lost focus ;)

E- Took a 15 minute walk to the gym, then started my work out with some intervals of Jump Roping, crunches, squats and push ups then followed it up with 25 minutes of rowing. Finished with a 15 minute walk back to my building on campus. Not a bad cross training day :)

I- I woke up with prayer, meditation and reading from Just today, I participated in my class discussions, I ate a mix of foods on my green and yellow light list that felt "Safe", I finished my portion of a midterm that is due on Thursday (Not procrastinating, WHAT?!?!) so I do not get anxious, I spent time with my family. I didn't allow other people's anxiety affect my mood, and prayed for them to find peace in their day. I planned my meals for tomorrow without letting it control my day. I expressed Gratitude as often as possible

O- I checked in with two fellows and shared my courage strength and hope (and invited her to a meeting), I gave a glowing reference for a friend who is applying to be a mentor, I helped a friend with her portion of our assignment, I volunteered to do the editing for the group assignment, I held doors open for people. I practiced acceptance

U- There are good and bad qualities about my eating disorder that achieve positive results in my life. -(Purging= relief, binging= numbing, bad foods= delicious joy). There are other, healthier, ways to achieve these effects ( Running/Talking= Relief, Dealing with uncomfortable feelings = No need to numb, Healthy Foods that I Like = Delicious Joy. Today I can be aware of them and know that I have options and do not have to hold on to my disease to make them happen :)

Work Out Plan For Tomorrow: Run 6 miles

Meal Plan for Tomorrow:
Breakfast: 3 egg whites (1 yolk), kale, mushrooms, olives salsa avocado
Snack: Apple and String Cheese
Lunch: Pasta and a veggie Pattie
Snack: Chobani Greek yogurt (chocolate, almond and coconut)
Dinner: Sweet Potato casserole!!!

Monday, May 20, 2013

Food Lists and New Shoes

I told you I'd be back ;)

Awhile ago, my sponsor asked me to create a Red, Yellow and Green Light food list to help me become more aware of Foods that are triggering for me, and to try to "Avoid" them when possible. I really lagged on this project, because I didn't want it to seem as though I couldn't have foods when I REALLY wanted them and felt like I was in a good enough place to have them. Even though she ASSURED me that this was not how it worked, I was not convinced.

Well, now that I am coming out of the BINGE ZONE and thinking outside of the food haze, I feel it is time to really start putting in some work. So, here is what I have so far.

Red Light Foods: These are foods That I ABSOLUTELY know I can not eat like a Lady. 

- Del Taco Drive Thru (To be honest... I think this should be on my abstinence... but I think I treat it that way in my head. I know for a fact that If I eat this I will not only binge, but I will purge). 
- Ice Cream (Cookie dough or anything with reeses' or chocolate/peanut butter mix) 
- Donuts, Pastries, Cakes, Loaf Cakes (essentially anything sweet and carby)
- French Fries!!!
- Ranch Dressing

Yellow Light Foods:
- Wheat Thins
- Cookies (those damn 100 calorie packs)
- Granola Bars
- Chocolate Covered Raisins
- Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches
- Peanut Butter straight from the Jar
Reese's' Peanut Butter Cups
- Trail Mix
- Chips (Frito's scoops, tortilla chips, Pringles, hot Cheetos, BBQ flavored anything)
- Frosted Mini Wheats
- Graham Crackers
- Mini Bagels
- Mini Chocolates ("fun size")
- Pretzels, Bagels
- Cream Cheese
- Kettle korn
- Restaurant Pizza
- Mexican Food

Behaviors to be Aware of that could lead to binging:
- Going back for just "one more bite"
- Eating in Restaurants
- Going to Social Events
- The Snack Cabinet at work/internship
- Not having a large enough (or balanced) meal/snack
- Skipping meals or Restricting foods
- Going to the store late at night
- Hiding food
- Hovering at the Vending Machine
- Weighing myself
- Obsessively Meal Planning/ Calorie counting
- Soda

Green Light Foods:
- Any vegetable (except cooked Brussels sprouts... yuck)
- Any natural fruit 
- Sweet Potatoes, Brown Rice, Whole wheat pasta, quinoa, beans, lentils
-Eggs, veggie patties, tofu (baked), vegetarian sausage
-String cheese, Feta Cheese, Greek yogurt, soy milk, almond milk
- Kashi Cereal, Plain Oats, Multi grain waffles, Whole wheat Bagels, Mediterranean Flat bread, Gluten Free Granola, Whole wheat/ whole grain bread
-Avocados, and unsalted nuts (almonds, pistachios, macadamia, cashews)
- Soups

I'm sure I'm missing some things from my yellow light list... but I figure this isn't a "solid" body of work and it will continue to change. But this is what I have for now. 

In other news, I finally went and bought new running shoes today!!! I'm hoping this will help with the shin splints and cramping (although I still blame my binging on that one). I can officially say I am one of those "Crazy Runner Chicks".... I bought Two pairs of running shoes: One for daily use and One for speed work/races. Not only that... but this is the first time I haven't run in Nike's in YEAAAARS!!!!

Brooks Ravenna 4- My Everyday Runners

These shoes felt so comfortable, light weight and durable. The laces and heel are more of a lime green than they are in the picture... but either way, I am super excited to take these bad boys out for a test drive come Wednesday Morning :)

Saucony Grid Fastwitch- The speed demons :)

I tried these on and INSTANTLY fell in love with them. They are a light weight shoe, and it literally feels as though I was wearing NOTHING at all on my feet!!! I knew I had to have them... but I knew they would not work as an everyday shoe.

I was in a GREAT mood today, so I had the sales guy CRACKING up the entire 45 minutes. This was by far one of my greatest shoe shopping experiences EVER. I'm really sad that they are going to be closing that store down in July... I don't know how I will survive (driving to Thousand Oaks most likely).

OK, So I went to bed at 1:30am... got up at 6am... and it is now 10:30pm. I STILL have to do some homework... so I think that means it's time to wrap it up!

A- Yes
E- Ran 6.25 miles. Ran a random amount around the shoe store for 45 minutes trying on new running shoes
I- I began my day with prayer and meditation (5 minutes), did some writing, made myself a DELICIOUS dinner from LOVE, bought myself two new pairs of running shoes, went to a meeting, called a good friend because I was in the neighborhood
O- I entertained the Hell out of the shoe salesman ;), I reached out to two fellows and offered my strength and hope, put out the trash cans, encouraged my client to do more positive things for herself instead for others
U- Nighttime binging seems so much sexier because it's dark and I'm alone. But If I light a candle at night and say a prayer to my HP while I do my writing then the two of us can sit in the light and the unconditional love (not the raunchy infatuation) and trust that we can make it until morning :)

My meal Plan for tomorrow:

Breakfast: 3 egg whites, feta cheese, Flatbread, avocado and veggies (side of strawberries and grapes
Snack 1 Greek Yogurt, Banana and Coffee
Lunch: Oatmeal
Snack 2: Not sure :/
Dinner: Rice veggies and Tofu

WorkOut Plan:
Mindful Meditation for 1 hour, some rowing and I want to try some circuit trainings of Jump Roping 1 minute, 30 sit ups, 10 push ups, 30 squats, and 30 seconds in plank tomorrow. But we'll see how it goes ;)


"Quick" Weekend Recap

Happy Monday!

Yes, I will lick you to death!!!
I just wanted to pop in very quickly and let everyone know that I am doing OK! I have just been VERY busy and not had time to update at all!!! I'm going to give you as quick a recap of my weekend as I can without boring you to death :)

I finally got to run!!! It was slow and delicious! The morning was very rough and emotional (no details necessary, just know that I spent about an hour crying). I went to group therapy, talked it out and felt better :). Then went to the Suicide Prevention Center and got to help others and felt EVEN better... except for the fact that I had the WORSE migraine in the world (from crying like a big old baby). I went to rehearsal for Madrigals and then went to bed...

I woke up with the damn migraine (FAIL!!!). Went for another slow, and beautiful run :). Migraine went away (hooray!!!). Then spent the rest of the day at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire! It was closing weekend, so it was busy... but we had a LARGE group of singers and there was a lot of good mood in the air. This is the group I sing with. 
That's me, in the middle, sitting down. That Skirt is HEAVY!!!
After the faire Tyler and I hit the Jacuzzi and went to bed early.

I woke up bright and early to go to the Girls on the Run 5k event at the Rose Bowl. The event was really unorganized. I was never assigned a running buddy, so I designated myself as running buddy to EVERYONE! My favorite part of the race was the last half a mile. There was a young girl who wanted to stop running and I motivated her to finish strong and keep going! We both crossed the finish line together with Giant Smiles on our faces. Then I went to "Brunch" with my family and my cousin Lena who lives in San Jose. It was really nice! I haven't spent time with them in SOOO long (and the food was AMAZING: I had an egg white veggie omelet with avocado, 1 piece of wheat toast and some melon). Then I went home and took a nap before I had to go to work from 4pm-12:30am. I worked on a midterm and helped my clients. The end :)

The best part about all of this was I did it ABSTINENTLY. I also agreed on a Food Plan with my Sponsor. Since I've been struggling to just get in my 3 meals I decided to choose 3 meals and two optional snacks. I'm not sure if that counts on Race Days... but hey... It is, what it is. 

So far its working. I'm also still texting her when and what I eat. It's helping me be a lot more accountable with my food and making me pick better choices!

I'll come back later today with another post. Now, it's time to enjoy my LAST WEEK OF INTERNSHIP!!!

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Binging over Procrastination Anxiety

Two whole grain waffles with butter, blueberries and syrup
Two pieces of cinnamon bread with peanut butter
Two large bowls of cheerios
A glass of soy milk (drank it... not with the cereal)
Wheathins (several handfuls) and cream cheese (at least 3 servings)
More Wheathins and a string cheese
The remainder of a canister of Barbecue Pringles (at least 2 servings)
An skinny cow ice cream bar
Greek yogurt
2 strawberries, and a banana, and a handful of berries
7 mini chocolate bars (milky ways, Baby Ruth's, Reeses' mini cups)
5 spoonfuls of peanut butter
A peanut butter and Jelly Sandwich (I might have made two at separate times... don't actually remember). 
2 handfuls of Chocolate covered raisins
A large slice of vegetarian pizza
A large salad with creamy Italian dressing and avocado
A sprite zero
a bottle of sparkling water
A yogurt granola bar
A Target "Monster" Granola Bar
A vegetarian sausage, a hot dog bun, tater tots and french fries (made that at home)
with barbecue sauce and creamy Italian dressing. 

This is what I remember eating today..... I'm sure there are some things that got lost in there that I cant remember. But as you can see... it is NOTHING pretty. The worst part is... this was all self inflicted torture because I waited until the last minute to start writing a paper.....

Hi, my name is Christina, and I am a Compulsive Overeater and Bulimic... and this is now I plan to live abstinently. I am going to bring recovery back into my life... starting right now and turn my will over to the Power of God, as I see Her, and start caring for the little girl in side me today that is begging to be treated right. I cant live like this anymore. I cant keep lying to friends, my sponsor, MYSELF!!! I keep trying to figure out... "WHY I CANT RUN!!!" and the answer is RIGHT in front of me.... The worst part is, all I wanted today was to be able to binge on the ice cream that's in the freezer... and now I don't even WANT it. 

Mentally- I hate am being very hard on myself. I don't like my body, I don't like the person I am behaving as, and I do not like the way I have been spending my life. It's as if there was an invasion of the body snatchers and I am living someone else's life

Physically- I feel heavy, I feel sluggish, and I feel as though I have gained 10 pounds in the last two weeks (hey.. it could happen). I do not feel comfortable in my own body, and I have NOT been treating it like a temple! I have horrible gas, and I am having trouble breathing too. I am a WRECK!!!

Spiritually- I have been tuning out all contact with my Higher Power! I have not been working my spiritual program at all. I stopped praying, I stopped writing, I stopped meditating and I stopped reading... which leave me with no genuine connection. 

As of RIGHT THIS MINUTE... I am choosing not to live this way anymore. I don't want the horrible bloating, the smelly and uncomfortable gas, the bed full of bread crumbs, the insanely chapped lips, the rawed out roof of my mouth, or the constant need to feel like I need more.

Just for today: I will seek to strengthen my relationship with my Higher Power. I know from experience that knowledge of my Higher Power's will provides a sense of clarity, direction, and peace. 

Here some AEIOU's for ya :)

A- Yes
E- None 
I- I skipped class in order to finish a paper, spent time with my mom, prayed, checked in with Friends and Family as needed, did not force myself to run
O- Offered financial help to a close friend (to help end her suffering), spoke to another friend about program for over an hour (yay new recruits), checked in on fellows who were on my mind
U- I am not alone, and noting is worth destroying my mental, physical and spiritual recovery over!!!

Friday, May 10, 2013

Free Hug Friday

So, I binged my ass off last night. After I wrote the post, I just couldn't fight it and went straight for the kitchen. I was still feeling really guilty about taking a chip for 30 days and it showed up in my foods :( I woke up feeling really yucky and confused and feeling like this was going to be a never ending cycle that I couldn't get out of. I was found myself scheming on ways to get foods (like leaving

I decided not to run today. Half because I was asleep from all the food, and Half because I wanted to rest my shins for one more day without torturing myself. (more the former than that latter), and although I am not "OK" with it... I am accepting it. I am still icing my shins, and am hoping to be back to performance ready Christina tomorrow :)

I made some REALLY good outreach calls and texts this morning when I was feeling insanely unstable, and I started to feel a little bit better. I have to hold on to anger, frustration and resentments the only person that I hurt is myself... because I am the one that gets the beat down, not the person, place or thing that I am "UPSET" with. The woman I spoke with suggested that I try praying for the things I am angry at as a productive way to handle my emotions. I really appreciated her making this suggestion, and I will try to remember to use it, because I feel that it will really help.

I went to group therapy, and it seemed like ALL of us were in this state. That weird "active in our addiction and not really wanting to do anything about it" phase. Well, more or less that we are in "crisis" and aren't willing to tap into our healthier methods of coping at this time. The theme seemed to be,

"I am frustrated with where I am at, because I am not where I want to be. Even if where I want to be is an unrealistic goal that NO ONE IN THE WORLD could achieve."

Add on a little self deprecation and constant comparison to others and you got a perfect recipe for an eating disorder. Each one of us was able to show kindness and compassion towards others, but we weren't able to do it for ourselves. So, for today, I am putting the stick down, and just going to be kind and gentle to myself in as many ways possible. 

I am going to ACCEPT and approve of my abstinence, I am going to continue to work on eating intuitive and consciously, I am going to continue to let go of my bulimia and work towards letting go of the binge eating. I am going to open my heart and my mind to calmness so that God can work through me to help me with my food. 

 I am also going to let go of

1. My negative self talk
2. My control of my weight
3. My hatred for my body (specifically my stomach and thighs)
4. The guy that flipped me off in his side view mirror on the freeway (it's really bugging me)
5. The Donuts that I keep telling myself I "NEED" to have
6. My shin splints
7. My idea of what my recovery SHOULD be

I walked out of group feeling a lot better and more accepting of the process that is recovery.. no matter what it means to me. On the way out I was talking to another member who is having trouble with something I went through with my old roommate/best friend and at the end of our talk there was this awkward moment where you could tell BOTH of us wanted to give each other a hug... but we were both hesitant. Thank Goodness she asked me and we were able to have a nice, caring embrace. It gave me the idea to start

FREE HUG FRIDAY! I am giving EVERYONE I come across a hug today... for no good reason :) It's making me feel SO much better.

I am not going to be near a computer later So I am going to commit my AEIOU's now :)

A- Yes
E- Nope... and damn proud of it!
I- I rested my body for one more day, I outreached to multiple fellows, I actively participated in group therapy.
O- It was free hug Friday... EVERYONE GOT FREE HUGS!!!, wished a fellow luck on their concert this evening, I helped two people in suicidal crisis, assisted an incoming Social work student
U-  The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

30 Days of Abstinence

I decided that this needed it's own posts... so lucky YOU gets TWO posts for the price of ONE!!! I'm writing to you from the delicious comfort of my bed, icing my poor shins :( They keep going in and out of pain, but I am trying to stay off them as much as possible, and do calf stretches when I remember.

Yes... I know I need a pedicure... thanks for noticing!!!
I'm sending nothing but prayers to the running Gods and my Higher Power that I can magically wake up healed and recovered tomorrow... but if that is not the case, I am willing to accept that I need to care for myself right now! I can always go to the gym at school before group therapy and use the bike again if I need to.

A midst all my drama over my shin splints and never being able to run again I completely ignored the fact that I got to take my 30 day chip at my OA meeting tonight!!! Chips are given for lengths of back to back abstinence in the OA program. After my "little slip" last month, and having to restart my abstinence, My sponsor and I decided that my new abstinence would be that I have to keep what I eat (aka... no purging, WHATSOEVER!!!). I am proud to report that I, Christina (a compulsive overeater and bulimic) have made it successfully through 32 days without making myself throw up!!!

Isn't she BEAUTIFUL!?!?!?!

I was really ambivalent about taking a chip for this abstinence, because I don't really feel as though I deserve it.I am, admittedly, ashamed of my abstinence. It is not what I WANT it to be. Like everything else in my life I WANT my abstinence to be complicated and require a lot of explanation and be so impressive to other people when I talk about it (this way, I always had a reason to binge/purge).
I WANT my abstinence to be: No binging, No purging. 3 meals and 3 snacks (one optional). I WANT my abstinence to be something that is completely unreasonable for me at this point. One day, my abstinence will be this... but for today my abstinence is that I have to keep what I eat. So, being that I spent the weekend and the beginning of the week binging, I did not feel that I deserved to take a chip.

The meditation for yesterday reminded that I have to be willing to let go of what I WANT, so that God can give me what I NEED! The trust is that No binging, no purging is NOT my abstinence yet, and there is a perfectly good reason for that. I have to learn to KEEP IT SIMPLE and be compassionate and forgiving towards myself. If that means that the first few months in my recovery can ONLY be with the purging... then that is where it needs to stay. After a lot of thought, I'm really happy that I took my chip, and I am proud that I have made the progress that I have and I am hopeful that in my own way, I will continue to make progress!

I have already put my 60th day in my calendar so I can just focus on recovery and life and not the days :)

I'm starting to feel a binge coming on so I'm going to do my AEIOU's and try to go to bed.

A- Yes :)
E- 19 minutes running (1.9miles) 36 minutes bike (10.02miles)
I- listened to my body, fueled myself appropriately, Took my 30 day chip!!! Got a new number (haven't done that in awhile)
O - I gave out a LOT of hugs today!!! Shared my Hope with a new comer, made outreach calls
U- My abstinence and my progress is something to be proud of, not ashamed of. I have come along way by being willing to turn over something to God (no matter how small).

Forced Break...


I need to write about this right now, because I'm feeling really overwhelmed by the sense of powerlessness I am feeling. I know I wrote yesterday about the fact that I wasn't able to complete my run because I began to get intense cramping in my calves and sharp shooting pains in my shins (shin splints... I'm assuming). At first I thought that I might be able to push through it, but by the time I hit mile 1.5 it became absolutely unbearable. I pushed it for as long as I could and finally realized that all I was going to do cause more harm that do good and hit the stop button on the machine (much against my will).

I almost immediately burst in to tears. I wish I could say that my tears were due to the physical pain... but they weren't. All I can imagine is that I am never going to be able to run again. Envisioning all of my upcoming races going out the window, all the dollar signs wasted, the hours of training for NOTHING, and me... sitting on my ass, getting fatter by the minute. I JUST WANT TO BREAK A SWEAT!!!!!!!

I feel extremely guilty. The last time I really ran was Friday right before I decided to check out of life and selfishly decided to binge instead of taking care of myself. I bowed out of Sunday and Monday and have now been forced out of running for the last two days. I feel like I brought this on myself. My selfish, slovenly "vacation" from life has now led to a forced "break". I, single handedly have caused my own pain and suffering. I know that this is not true, but it was the immediate feeling I had.

Not being able to run induces a lot of fear in me, because it has a lot of untrue meaning behind it.It means that I cannot undo the damage that I have been doing to my body all week. It means that I am going to get fat, it means that I need to restrict my food intake in order to compensate, it means that my life has no meaning, it means that I am weak, and most importantly that I am not PERFECT!!!

I automatically wanted to go to the food when I stopped. if I cant work out the way I WANT to, then why try being healthy at all?!?!The food is not worth compromising my health over. If I fuel myself with junk, I am going to see the effects in my training. So, I am going to create a recovery plan for myself

1. I am not going to run if I feel pain in my shins
2. I am going to start icing my shins at night and in the morning if necessary
3. Will take meds if necessary
4. Stick to the bike for now if I NEED to work out
5. Be compassionate about the fact that I need to take a break right now
6. BUY NEW SHOES this weekend :)

Time to get out of Self-Pity Mode...which means its time for GRATITUDE!!!

1. My willingness to heal myself mentally and physically
2. My mother's continued healing 
3. I get to take a 30 day chip at my favorite meeting tonight 
4. The ability to walk 
5. That I have a HP in my life 
6. That I have friends who make me laugh when I want to do is cry 
7. That I can be of service 8. That I live in Southern California with perfect weather 
9. I am A Bruin! 
10. Vending machine coffee that costs a dollar

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Heads or Tails

As I'm sure you've figured out by the lack of blogging I've been doing... I'm going through a rough time. After writing on Saturday morning, I stayed in the food, and have really been unable to see past it. I have not broken my abstinence (keeping what I eat), but I most certainly have not been living abstinently. I have not been working out, I have not been taking care of myself and I have been eating like a 400lb line backer... NOT like a lady! I have been punishing myself for being a "Horrible Person" for long enough and it is time for it today.

The last couple of days all I have wanted to do is just "Check Out" of life. I have been really overwhelmed with feelings, and just general events going on in my life and all I wanted to do was not have to deal with anything. So, I did the only thing that I know works and I turned to the food. This makes it so much easier to just not have to participate in life. All I wanted was to hide under my blanket with a box of ANYTHING and just live there in misery. I didn't want to run, I didn't want be a social worker, I just wanted to throw myself a pity party (guest list of 1) and never have to be accountable or responsible for anything ever again.

So, that's what I did for all of Monday. I stayed in bed, slept, numbed out and just kept eating. I ate to the point that I knew I wasn't going to throw up, but I just kept eating. I was physically so uncomfortable that I COULD NOT BREATHE, and all I could think about was what I hadn't gotten to eat yet (and when I would be able to eat it again). It was sick, morbid and disgusting. I finally got out of bed to take my mom to her therapy group so I had about 3 hours where I wasn't eating, but I wanted to more than anything. I went home and made myself a fair dinner and then ate some cake and ice cream and lord knows what else along with it.

Yesterday (Tuesday) was also a struggle. My alarm went off at 6 and by 7... I was still under the covers not wanting to escape my "safe" cocoon of protection from the harsh realities of the world. That I make mistakes, that I get angry, that I don't like the person I am, that shit gets hard, that I'm a horrible student, that I am unworthy of love." I can shut all of that out and not have to show up for another day. But something inside of me (what I imagine to be my "healthy" voice) meekly and ever so quietly suggested that I get up, and go to my class. After all, I really like that class, and the students in it... so why wouldn't I go?!?!

I quickly showered, threw some food together and made my way out the door. I actually made it to class on time, but was still feeling exhausted and miserable. Through all 3 hours of the class I went back and forth on whether or not I was going to participate in the rest of my plans for the day. My body was screaming, aching, for me to go back home to my cocoon. I was eating good food, but I was constantly hungry and was unable to think about anything other than eating. I decided that I could no longer safely make the decision. I was ambivalent about E

Heads: I was going to go to the gym, my meditation class and my therapy session at 3:30pm

Tails: I was going to say FUCK it, take the $20 penalty and go right on home to my bed as soon as class ended.

 I was feeling extremely ambivalent about EVERYTHING. I wanted to go to the gym, because I knew it would make me feel better, but I was really tired and didn't feel like running. I wanted to go to mediation, because it's basically a giant nap, but I also wanted to use that time to go sit in the food court and stuff my face. I wanted to go to therapy, because I knew being honest with my therapist about what was going on was going to open up some new solutions that I was unable to see at that time. Both side were pulling me pretty hard, and a coin toss seemed like the only reasonable  way to solve my dilemma.

After sending off my coin toss suggestions to a friend so that she could actually make the decision for me something hit me like a ton of bricks.... The HEADS suggestion was my Healthy voice trying to fight for me to get back on track and the TAILS suggestion was my disease or my vulnerable self trying to get me isolated, alone and miserable so that it could have every opportunity to continue to rule my life. This was not going to be the answer to my problem. So, I choose to show up for all of my appointments. I did not do them perfectly, but I showed up.

I went to the gym and rowed for 15 minutes.... hey, its a start. Then I did meditation. After that I was feeling better and tried to run... I got .6 miles in and said Fuck it.. and then spent 7 miles on the bike. (Progress not perfection). By the time I got to therapy I was feeling much better. We talked about a lot of the things I was holding on to, and why I felt I needed to place myself in such a state of discomfort and I was able to realize that it was all over that damn text message. I knew I needed to do something about it or I was literally going to eat myself to death over it.

I was going to try and get to a meeting, but that didn't quite happen. I left school late and then ended up on the wrong freeway. I went home, sent a response that needed to be sent, and then gave myself one final binge. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is...

I woke up today still feeling exhausted and unready to just right back into my role. I didn't make it up to run, and I even woke up late for my internship. I was ready to start writing my novel, Christina, the Failure: Chapter 2. As I started taking my shower I came to realization that I was just setting myself up to fail again today. I wanted to eat a crappy breakfast, not pack a lunch so that I would have to go and buy unsatisfying food and eventually lead myself to yet another night of binging. I remember what the nutritionist and the therapist said about how "Getting back on track with food was the best way to overcome an eating disorder" and I made the decision to stop the violent cycle that I was running running with.

I text my preceptor and told him that I was running a little bit late today and would be in by 9:30am (and I was). I sat and had my usual breakfast (which I hadn't had since Saturday morning), and made myself a lunch that I could be proud to eat and that I wouldn't have to go to store and purchase. I made the conscious decision to fight my disease. I decided that I was going to start writing the script of my life, and not let my disease control how this story ends. With trust in the strength of my Higher Power, I was going to fight the things that seemed too powerful to overcome on my own. I am choosing to not be a victim of my disease, but a warrior in my own recovery.

I was able to make it through internship and had plans to go for a run before going to my evening meeting. My body is not very happy with me this week. I was not able to get up and go running this morning, so I opted to try and do a nice evening run when I got home from internship. I'm REALLY not an afternoon/evening runner... but I figured I needed to make it work. It literally felt like I was running with cinder blocks on my feet. My shins were on fire, and my calves were cramping and tight. It was the most painful mile I've ever run in my entire life. I finally decided to stop and just walk back home. I know that I haven't been treating my body the right way lately, and this was a big wake up call that I need to get back on track. I spent the rest of the evening doing light chores and stretching. We will try again tomorrow :(

Going to a meeting really helped me today. I didn't realize until I was talking to someone that I hadn't been to a meeting since THURSDAY!!! I haven't gone that long without a meeting since I started program. It always helps to ground me, and I'm really happy that I made it the one tonight. I found a lot of good from this meeting like:
- My abstinence has to have a separate life from everything else. It is separate from the emotions, separate from the people places and things that can influence me and it its own entity. This allows for there to be no confusion when it comes to the feelings and my abstinence
- Keep it simple. You're abstinence should be something that you can do for the rest of your life, anywhere at any time. This is the only way to have success. It has to be something that can last me the rest of my life and in any situation. For me right now that is: I will keep what I eat. My loose food plan is 3 meals and 3 snacks (1 optional for long run days). I realize that my food plan and my abstinence are also separate things... but I feel that I am ready to add this to my program. 

I feel strong about going to bed tonight and am happy that I have managed to pull off the "evil voice" headphones and could leave a healthy life for me today.

For Today: I have complete fate that, as I turn over what I want, God will give me what I need!

A- Yes! I have kept what I ate for 31 days :)
E- Tried to run 5 miles... got 2.15 in 26 minutes. Listened to my body when I started to have really bad shin and calf pains :(
I- I had compassion for myself. I got myself back on track. I choose to stick to my routine and go to internship late instead of setting myself up for failure and being on time. I let go of the anger and upset I was holding on to. I took the time to be with a good friend of mine. I listened to my body.
O- I reached out to a fellow who needed it (not knowing that she did), I spoke to a newcomer. I helped two of my clients. I helped my friend see that she is not alone.
U- My abstinence has to be separate from everything else in life. I can choose to either be a victim of my disease or the Warrior in my recovery. If I suit up and show up, God will take care of the things I need.