Saturday, January 3, 2015

Happy New Years!

January 2, 2015
So, I realize that New Years was a day ago, but I’m just finally getting around to writing. It’s pretty crazy, because I feel like 2014 went by SOOOO fast, that I never really had time to catch up to it. At first, I didn’t think that much had happened in 2014, but then when I really got to thinking, I realized I went through SO much.

In January, I went to Vegas and danced my ass off in a tiny little dress. If you know me, you know that this is a big freaking deal. I’m always very self conscious… and it is not easy for me to just let go. That trip was not very memorable for anything other than that. I also ran the Tinkerbell Half Marathon this month (one of my favorite races) and even got up early to run 4 miles before the race to complete 17 miles for my LA Marathon Training. I’m pretty bad ass like that!

In February, I became a supervisor. That’s pretty weird… because I have never seen myself as being someone who would supervise people. And here I am about to complete a year of doing so. Its only part time, but I really enjoy it, and feel like it keeps me growing

In March, I ran a fucking marathon. I ran The LA Marathon, to be exact. Initially I wasn’t too happy about it, but it will forever be the best and worst day of my life and I will never forget it. Yeah I didn’t finish in the time I wanted to, but I did PR… and that’s still pretty freaking awesome. And I have an awesome story about puking in a push at mile 23 that will knock your socks off. I still haven’t decided if I will ever run a Marathon again, but for now… I feel pretty great.

In April, I almost ended my relationship. It was a really tough year for Tyler and I. We were suppose to take a break, but that didn’t really happen (and I’m glad I didn’t). This might not seem like a very “positive” accomplishment, but it was in a lot of ways. I never really take a stand for myself in relationships, and this was the first time I had ever really done that. It was terrifying, upsetting, and all around empowering and I’m ever grateful for it. I’m also pretty sure that this was the month I celebrated not purging for 1 entire year!!! I remember a time when this seemed absolutely impossible to complete. Now, it seems like a distant memory that I don’t think I ever actually sat down and celebrated :/. I also had the most amazing trip to Washington, DC. I had never been, and I went with my best friend, and I ran, and ate and drank and had the best time of my life! (It seems like April was a REALLY good month for me.

In May, I bought the most WONDERFUL pet in the world, Gil the Fish! Sadly, Gil is no longer with us (Tyler over fed him he got bloated and died)... but for the 6 months we had him... he was AMAZING!

In June, I graduated from Graduate School. I’m an MSW, and I have the student loans to prove it :D. This was probably one of the hardest things I have EVER done in my entire life… and I did it. Thanks to the love and support of my family, my friends, and of course my loving therapist who kept my head on straight ;D

In July, “I got my first Big Girl Job”. Fresh out of college, I was one of the first to get hired as an MSW. Its been a really rocky road, and I’m not sure that I’ll stay at this job forever, but it has been an absolutely amazing learning experience and I have met some of the most Amazing people doing so. I have insurance, I have a 403B and I make a pretty sizeable income. I also Turned 28… Which is pretty great. I had an amazing pool party with Tyler playing with his Beatles Band. 2 more years to 30!!!

In August, Tyler and I moved in together. We have been together for soooo long, and it took us forever to finally reach this point in our relationship. It has been one of the best opportunities, and I could not be any happier than I am right now. He is the yin to my yang, the cleaner of my messes, and the man who loving tells me the food I cook is good…even if it’s not.

In September, I apparently didn’t do ANYTHING!!! I really tried to look, and I don’t think it was very eventful :/

In October, I ran the Nike Women’s half marathon in San Francisco. I hadn’t been to San Francisco in about 10 years, and I almost didn’t run this race. My training had been really off, my hip had been in significant pain, and I really just didn’t think I had it in me to complete this race. But, I pulled myself together and completed one of the most DIFFICULT races of my life. And, I got some pretty amazing bling to show for it. Not to mention, San Francisco was AMAZING! It a little expensive and a little hilly, but worth it. I also got to have my first Halloween at home. I had TWO trick or treaters… and they were marvelous!

In November, I PR’d a 5k hard core. I ran the Tofurkey Trot (yes, a turkey trot for vegetarians).. and I came in with a disgustingly powerful sub 25 minute PR. It made me really happy, and the event was  a lot of fun. And I baked my first pie! Everyone told me it was good… but when I eventually tried it… I realized THEY LIED!

In December, My entire life changed.  I had to do some of the most difficult things in this month. I found out I was pregnant and made the appropriate decision to not continue the pregnancy. While I fully support my decision, I wish that I had never had to be put in that position in the first place. It might not be something that plagues me every minute of every day… but it is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I was not ready to be a mother, and I made a very dumb mistake to have unprotected sex. I am grateful for my right to choose what to do with my body and that I have a loving partner who supported me through it. Tyler and I also celebrated 7 years together and we had our first Christmas together in our new apartment. I didn’t get engaged (and I’m TOTALLY not upset about it or anything…. LIES)… but it was still a great holiday season!

And now the year is OVER!!!

Looking back on the year I have a couple of things I would like to “Resolve” and continue to work on.

1. GET ENGAGED. I realize that I don’t necessarily have a say in this one, but it’s still on my list

2. Work Less. I work way too much. I have two jobs, dedicated to Suicide Prevention and its exhausting. This year I should stop working so much and give myself some time.

3. Keep on running!!! I would like to run more this year than I did in the past year. There were a lot of transitions, pains and pauses in my running, and it made me sad not to see as many races in my line up. I would like to do 1 race a month this year (of any distance) to keep myself in the running game.

4. Travel More!!! I had so much fun with my little vacations this year, but I’m ready for bigger adventures. Ideally I would like to travel to Europe with Tyler during the summer. I think with enough coaxing, I can get him to do it with me J

5. Continue to respect my body. While I do not always have the best eating or exercise habits, I have continued to remain purge free! This is always a priority to me, and I want to continue to remain in the best health I can in the New Year.

6. Read MORE! Ideally a book a month would be good. Gotta start somewhere!!!

7. Do something AMAZING in September 2015. Seems to make the most sense.

I know that resolutions are supposed to be LIFE changing and altering, but I like the idea of low expectations. This is solid enough, and accomplishable (wow, I cant believe that is a word).

Alright, my wine is kicking in and my handsome prince has not arrived home yet to eat dinner with me, so I guess I’m going to start without him.


Thursday, April 17, 2014

Day 2

Wow... I made it to day two... This might not seem like much, but I haven't seen one of these in quite some time. For the most part it was a really great day. 

I woke up and took a really good run and followed it up with some strength training. There really is no better feeling than working out first thing in the morning. Before i even set foot out the door I did some laundry, made quinoa and cleaned up a bit of my room.

School was sorta blah. I'm not feeling either of my classes right now. I'm also dealing with a very passive aggressive teacher who is starting to get under my skin. He's acting as if something is wrong, and treating me very strangely, and it makes me paranoid that I've done something wrong. I really don't like this feeling, but I'm trying not to let one person ruin my everything and just LET IT GO! (Easier said than done)

I finished out the day with an amazing dodgeball tournament with my cohort. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! I had the time of my life! We lost, but it was still great. I also get nervous about these sort of things, because I always worry about making an ass of myself. But I just went out there and tried to have a good time, and I think I was successful. 

Now I'm home, in my fresh bed, with a migraine. So I'm just going to wrap up with my AEIOU's and save the rest for later.

A- Thankfully, Yes!

E- 3.53 mile run, strength training and an hour and a half of dodgeball!

I- Tried something new

O- tried not to make assumptions


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

A Rough Start to a Glorious Beginning

So... I love how I came on here and professed my undying desire to get my shit together and get on the wagon and blog about everything and BLAH BLAH BLAH... and then 


I have no excuses for the last couples days... other than the fact that I still wasn't taking myself seriously. After ending a seeming amazing day with a Luna Bar and an entire bag of oatmeal animal cookies I woke up saying, "What the hell am I doing?!?!" 

I could barely pull myself out of bed, I had a migraine and even went to my internship late because I didn't want to face another disappointing day that resulted in my "Failure". Where I knew I had the real problem was when my supervisor offered to let me take the entire day, and I seriously contemplated never getting out of bed and just repeating the cycle for the 100th time...

Thankfully, I did not succumb to the shitty feelings, and I pulled my ass out of bed, ate a nutritious breakfast, showered, got dressed and showed up (even though 3 our of my 4 clients didn't!). I had a commitment to keep and damn it I was going to keep it.

However, I still felt like complete SHIT. After a desperate please to my best friend Talia for an intervention and a much needed cup of coffee I was beginning to feel much better. Together her and I created an amazing ACTION PLAN to get me back on the right track.

Step 1: I agreed to start committing my food to her each night before bed. This is something I used to do with my sponsor for awhile and I found it really helpful. It was sometimes just nice to give it over to someone else and not really have to stress over it. However, I haven't mustered up the confidence to go back to a meeting... so my BFF will have to do. 

Step 2: Make a flash card of things to do INSTEAD of stuffing my face at night (AKA a "coping card")...Not sure why I never did this before, but better late than never!

Step 3: Continue to work on the goals that I set for myself for this week... even though I kinda ignored them. This included my work out commitment and the blogging idea (Thank you Zumba class and the current entry I'm writing). 

Step 4: Call her and talk to her when and if I needed it :D (or just reach out to someone in general if need be)

Not so bad, huh! And surprisingly gave me some instant relief. It reminded me of when I first got into program and the wonderful feeling I felt having some sobriety from food under my belt... which in turn reminded me of a nightly thing I use to send my sponsor: My AEIOU's. 

So I decided to add a Step 5 to the action: complete my AEIOU's :D (for those of you who dont know that my Abstinence, Exercise, Thing I did for myself, Things I did for Others, and what I UNCOVERED for the day. 

So... now you get to have them:

Abstinent: My formal abstinence from program was "to keep what I eat"and I have successfully done that for more than a year. To me abstinence now means not Binging (no matter how small or large) or eating more than 3 meals and 2 optional snacks.

Exercise: I Zumba'd my ass off for 55 minutes and loved every second. I even got a compliment on my energy level!

What I did for myself: I slept end, I showed up, I kept my commitments, I reached out for help, I spoke my mind, I tried something new

What I did for Others: I took the time to listen to someone who is normally quiet, I gave someone who is not heard a voice. I showed up, I offered my support

What did I Uncover today: The other day I watched a fabulous movie called Coach Carter... and it took my breath away. Throughout the movie Coach Carter asks one of his students, "What is your biggest fear?" and the kid had no idea what he was talking about. Finally the kid responds with this quote:

I have fully decided to adopt this as my current mantra. Feel free to join me.

Well, that's enough for tonight. It is time for some sleeps.

Take Care

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Crawling out of the Abyss!!!


This is Christina. I can not believe that it has been almost a year since I last wrote in this blog. I've thought about returning to it so many times... but always found something "better" to do with it.

A lot has happened since I last wrote on here. And sadly, most of it is not noteworthy.

I ran my first full Marathon, The LA Marathon.
I made it through the worst quarter of Grad School EVER
I reached one year of sobriety from purging
I spoke up for myself in my relationship

Those were probably the most important. Looking through this list though... I realized that I did not really celebrate ANY of these accomplishments. The Marathon was a really big goal for me, but I didn't achieve the time or finish that I wanted. To be honest, I was more disappointed in myself than proud (and still am). But, I'm hoping to come back strong next year and kick its ASS! Winter quarter was the worst.. and I barely scraped by. I got good grades and celebrated by sitting on my ass in bed for an entire spring break stuffing my face and feeling miserable. My recover-versary was nothing short of LAME. I still struggle with food, and emotional eating, so it feels like I haven't really made any progress in this year. I stopped going to AA, I really stopped TRYING and I guess I've just given up on myself.

I wont talk about my relationship because I don't feel like this is the place to do it... but know that things are very confusing, and I feel extremely lost in the thick of things.

Overall I FEEL LIKE SHIT... and I don't want to anymore. I don't like the way I look, I have no energy, I never want to get out of bed, So, for the first time today, I have decided that I am going to really try to do something different, instead of making a list of all the things I am "going" to do... and I will actually start doing them.

GOALS: I keep telling myself that I need to start setting weekly goals... and then I go right back in to doing nothing. When I was in therapy with Dr. Marson part of our group therapy was to make weekly goals. I really like this idea, because right now, I am struggling with just getting through each day. So, each Sunday, I am going to write out my goals for the week, put them on a flash card and place it on my mirror, or next to my mirror... ONE OF THE TWO.

My Goals for this week:

               1. Stop feeling sorry for myself! (Write at least one gratitude list)
               2. Complete all my scheduled exercises (4 runs, and 1 swim, and a Zumba class)
               3. Go to at least one OA meeting
               4. Clean up the 3 B's (My Bedroom, My Body, and my Brain)
               5. Blog it out 3-5x's this week!

This seems like a really good place to start. It wont be easy, but I need to get back to the basics.

Thanks for letting me talk it out :D

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Happy Birthday EVE!

Hey There!

I hope you are all well rested and feeling awesome, because I am not (well, not completely). Doing overnight shifts is a great way to make some money by not having to do a whole heck of a lot, but it really f***s with my schedule and makes it hard for me to keep my head on straight. 

After leaving work at 8:40am yesterday, I headed up to Malibu to get in my run by the beach so that I didn't have to deal with the weather in the valley. (the joke was on me, it was overcast out here all day long... but it was pretty muggy). 

photo 1.JPG

I mean really, who wouldn't want to run here every single day?!?! I managed a little over a 5 mile run, did Day 3 of the 30 day ab challenge, and then came on home to what I was hoping would be a shower and a nap!

photo 2.JPG

Well, I came home and showered and eventually fell asleep for about an HOUR! it was a mess. I was wide awake and hungry. I made myself some lunch before my good friend Sederia came by for a visit. She brought me my birthday present, and made me feel like a schmuck the luckiest girl, ever, to have such an amazing friend. 

She bought me a book by Jessica Alba, The Honest Life

It has tips on food, beauty, style, products, home decor and even baby suggestions that are all about living naturally. This is the perfect reading companion for my current "Clean Eating" and living obsession right now :D. She also added a really cute green glittery "C" key chain that she picked me up from Vegas and a $25 dollar gift card to Trader Joe's!

How does she know me so well?!?!?!

We sat and bitched chatted for a bit about life, relationships and family until I had to leave to go to my OA meeting. I hadn't been to a meeting in about 2 weeks, and I really was looking for any reason not to have to go... but in the end I am SO glad I did. I got to see some people I really love, and hear exactly what I needed to hear. 

I ended my day with dinner (I was STARVING by the time I got home) and a little excursion to the grocery store. Remember when I decided I was going to give up dairy and eggs the other day?!?!?! Well, apparently NO ONE carries Soy Yogurt ANYWHERE! I went to two stores last night, and NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH! I almost went to a 3rd, but it was after 9 o clock and I was exhausted!I'm not sure if this is a sign to just keep doing what I'm doing, but I guess I'll tray again next time.

Thankfully, after doing some reading, writing and meditating, I was able to drift off to sleep. I woke up really early this morning, even though I'm still EXHAUSTED, but I may try to drift back off for a bit.

I'm planning on getting in some Yoga today. My lower back is killing me, which is a sign to me that I need to take it slow today... so I shall. Chat with you later!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Terrific Tuesday, Day 2 of the 30 Day Ab Challenge

Good Morning (yes, it is 4am where I am)

I am working an overnight shift for work, 12am-8:30am, and trying to get a bunch of ish done. So I figured I would blog about my Tuesday. Today was a really great day!

I started out the day with an exhausting 3.2mile hike with a 1,803 foot elevation gain and a Max Elevation of 2,947. In other words... that shit was straight up hill!! It was also extremely hot outside, and we did not bring nearly enough water, so I spent the remainder of the day feeling grossly dehydrated. After the hike we did Day 2 of the 30 Day Ab Challenge. 20 sit ups, 8 crunches, 8 leg raises, 8 push ups, and 12 sec plank. All and all, it was a good day for some physical time.

When I got home all I wanted to do was jump in my pool! During the hike I had mirage visuals of just floating in the cool breeze. Well, at 10am the pool wasn't quite what I wanted, so I dipped in, and then tanned for a little bit while reading.

The rest of the day, I spent relaxing and trying to nap (this was not hard considering how dehydrated I felt). I watched only a little TV, and spent most of my time just trying to drift off into la la la.

Later in the evening I had dinner plans with some friends I use to work with at a nice Italian restaurant called Guiseppe's in West Hills. It was a cute little Italian place that had lots of great options. However, because I wasn't sure how it was going to go down, I just planned on having the soup and salad. It was just my luck that their soup of the day was a tomato based Vegetarian soup that was TO DIE FOR! and the salad bar was pretty awesome too!

I even got this fun little tomato monster in my salad :D. The food was good, and the company was even better. I then went home to try and drift right off to sleep! It didn't quite work out the way I wanted to, but I'm making it work with tons of coffee now!  
Behold my current reading list :)!!!! Super Foods was LITERALLY just give to me by a coworker, but Skinny Bitch is what I am currently in the middle of reading. 
 OK, so I've mentioned Skinny Bitch a couples times lately, and now is the time to talk about it. I find the book very fun, poignant and sarcastically motivating. It takes a tough love approach to educating you on the horrible things that are done to our food and explains why going vegetarian is so important. Although I wish the book title was "Healthy Bitch" instead of "Skinny Bitch"... I just have to reaffirm that difference in my head on my own. My own path to being a vegetarian started for health  (and figure conscious) reasons, and not necessarily from a "Animals Rights" perspective, but now having read the first half of this book, I am taking it a little more seriously. You'll have to read it on your own to discover all the horrible things that are done to animals, and I HIGHLY recommend that you do! To be honest, this book has convinced me that I need to go completely vegetarian (aka eliminate dairy and eggs from my meal plan). However, since both of these things are main staples in my day, and I still have a ton of dairy products in my home, I have decided that I am going to ween myself off of dairy, and eventually work my way to eliminating eggs to. I consider this completely doable, since I really only consume Greek Yogurt and Feta Cheese on the regular.  For now, I have configured a 3 point plan to help catapult Operation "Clean Up My Food". 1. Continue to stay away from refined and Processed sugars (IE, cookies, ice cream, cakes, and any other delicious looking goodies). Tyler and I made a pact to stay away from recreational sugar for 30 days... and I am now in Day 5 of the plan :) 2.  I am going to finish up the containers of Greek yogurt that I have in the fridge and then make the switch cover to a soy based yogurt. I will also then begin to use soy cheese products when necessary. 3. I will begin to only eat eggs every other day until I feel comfortable enough to eliminate that from my meal plan as well.  Enough blogging, I think its time to get back to my readings :).Since the beach is on my way home I was planning on getting in a run near the waves before going home in the morning. Hopefully it works out as planned.
Sweet Dreams!


Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Motivational Monday

Hello Beautiful People!!!

Today is Monday, and I am feeling super Motivated and inspired. I realize that I have been REALLY off with my blogging lately, and I promise that I am going to TRY and make it better :) Life has just been somewhat crazy lately, and I haven't been taking the time to sit down and handle my shit!

Things are going really good for me right now, I have about 93 days of abstinence from purging (Yay!!!), and for Today, I have the binging under control and I am eating clean. My clothes are still very snug and I have to be somewhat selective with what I choose to wear, but it has finally become the motivator I need to get my ass in gear!

Sooo... I when I went to group therapy on Friday afternoon, our therapist introduced us to The Healthy Mind Platter... (please read more about it here).

Balance is a crucial key in Recovery, and life in general. When we eat, we should have a balanced meal of Carbohydrates, Healthy Fats and Proteins. When we work out, it is important to balance fun with function (aka ZUMBA!!!) as well as balancing the muscle groups we work (circuit training). For the past few years I have balance a work life, school life, family life, intimate life, and social life (what little I had).
The Healthy Mind Platter Helps us balance (and carve) out time for things that are important to us and our functioning. Like all great things, balance of these 7 essential times (Sleep, Physical, Focus, In, Play, Down and Connecting) is essential for optimal brain functioning. Lately I have been COMPLETELY off balance (with food, life, and exercise)... So I become motivated to start working on balancing my plate.
My favorite part of the Healthy Mind Platter is that nowhere does it involve FOOD!!! Granted, I know that eating well is essential for functioning, I can appreciate that it is not an integral part of this model. So much of my life has been wasted on food, and avoiding these other parts of my life. This reminds me that it is crucial, but not the sole purpose of living :)
Right now, I'm focusing on my Physical Time:

Me and my beautiful friend Leah after a short 3.5 mile run, and some ab work :)
This area of my life has been severely unbalanced for the last few weeks. It was not uncommon for me to avoid a run, or ditch out on a zumba session because I just didn't want to. So VERY unlike me. So, for this week, I am focusing on getting in physical activity 6 days this week with a balance of running, hiking, swimming, strength training and taking a class or two.
Today I started out with a short, and brisk 3.5 mile run with my friend Leah (pictured above). It was hot, so we were sweating BUCKETS! But she gave me a good run for my money. Then we followed it up with Day 1 of the 30 Day Ab Challenge!!!!
However, we didn't exactly stick to the challenge (what fun is that?!?!)
Today we completed:
15 sit ups
10 crunches
10 leg lifts
10 squats
10 lunges
10 push ups
10 sec plank
Boy, did it feel good. So, I guess that is my base, and I will work up from there.
Now, don't let me fool you, I am still working on the other areas of my Platter, but I am going to talk about those in another post. Also, I have been reading the book, "Skinny Bitch" and I am now considering ditching dairy in my life!!! More on that to come. I'm not done with the book, but will write a review when I am. However, so far I find it Fun and Informational :)
OK, time to get ready to leave work. I'll chat with you guys later. Stay Motivated, beautiful People!