Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Today was a long day... and it has left me exhausted. Among all of the hard work were a lot of rewarding moments. It started with this one.
Each day I get a quote on my phone from the Daily Recovery app, and it has taken awhile for there to be one that has really struck me. But today's quote was quite fitting. I feel that I am a fearful dreamer. Oh sure, I can dream big and have wonderful aspirations for myself, but I am always going to be afraid of not reaching those goals... so afraid, that I end up setting myself up for failure. I wont bore you with the extremely long list of things I am afraid of... but know that I fear a lot of things (being fat, not graduating, being alone forever, failure on ALL levels, etc.) and my disorder feeds right in to this. The fact that I am afraid of other people judging me, so I don't speak up in class, or talk to people about my thoughts... all the while the only person I am holding back is me :/
I thought about this quote a lot during my morning run, which was a bit of a challenge. I was tired today (and it did not go away at all... Thank You very much!). By the time I hit mile two I was still feeling blah, and knew I still had 4 miles to go!!! I took it upon myself to start challenging myself to short little sprints (I'll go from here to the stop sign) through the miles, and it really helped my speed. It didn't up the ante overall, but I kept me at my normal pace. I will certainly be using this trick to my advantage later.
Later in my day I found myself in a state of the "Grumps". I was angry with my supervisor (lets face it... I always am) and I was not being shy about vocalizing my frustrations. At one point, I had to stop my bitching and out loud ask myself "What I am grateful for today?". (My temporary Sponsor made this suggestion to me when I was talking to her about being short with Tyler). To my surprise... writing out a Gratitude list really helped me turn my mood around. This small act of kindness towards myself made all the difference in the world.
Ok, enough of my blathering, I'm going right to my AEIOU's
A- Abstinent for yet another day. Attended a 6pm meeting and reached out to quite a few people in my day.
E- I ran 6 miles in the morning, and took a short walk with mom in the afternoon
I- I was Grateful and kind to myself today. I allowed myself to be open to learning from new people.
O- I phoned a fellow and turned her frown upside down :), I greeted every runner, walker, jogger and puppy I saw this morning, I made myself completely available to the kids at internship.
U- I uncovered some wonderful quotes/meditations today including the one I mentioned above, but also: "Asking for help makes you vulnerable, but makes you stronger at the same time." and "Enjoy the richness of each moment and the miracle of abstinence at work in my body and my life."
Sorry I don't have much more to offer you. Time to check in with my sponsor before doing some school reading and going to bed!
Talk to you tomorrow :