Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Are you there, God?

Its me.. Christina!

Man… I am EXHAUSTED today. I am running on fumes emotionally, mentally and physically! But that being said… I had a really good day. Well, it may not have started that way, but it ended up being a fair day. I woke up at my usual time after a very fitful night of sleep. I had a midterm at 9am (that I was very unprepared for) and I kept waking up to either try to read a page, or from a nightmare of failing my exam!!! I ate my usual breakfast and was out the door by 7:15am, my usual departure time.

About 15 minutes in to my drive I realized had left my black tea on my counter top. At this point, I was exhausted with no access to caffeine… bad combination. I figured I would just have to grab some hot water or coffee when I got to campus before going to my exam.

Then I got on the freeway… with everybody else in the tri-county area. Traffic was EXCEPTIONALLY horrendous today! I am not sure what happened, but all I knew was that I was NOT moving anywhere near as quickly as I should be. It was at the point that I started to have a complete melt down panic, thinking that there was no way for me to get to my exam on time. It was as if all of my horrible nightmares were beginning to become my reality. Visions of failing the exam and flunking out of program started dancing in my head (catastrophizing much?!?!). I started to blame myself for possibly being late for my first exam, "I should have left earlier", "I need to leave by 7", "I'm a horrible, and lazy human being."

Just moments before tears began to run down my face I paused and just said, "I have absolutely no control over the traffic making me late, but I can control how I react." I took a few deep breaths, and just had to sit and accept that I was sitting in some really nasty traffic that happened to be on the day that I had a midterm. Simultaneously I said to God, "I trust you with however this ends." So, I sat in my acceptance and surrender and before I knew it the traffic lightened up. In fact, by the time I got off the freeway at Sunset... the street was practically empty, there wasn't any traffic trying to get into the parking structure and  no one was waiting to buy a parking pass! I easily should have been 15 to 20 minutes late for my exam... and managed to walk in the door at 9:05am

Not only that, but when I walked in, she had not yet handed out the exams, and she had just announced that it was going to be a "Group Midterm"!!! Talk about reaping the benefits of surrendering. 

The remainder of my pay was pretty uneventful. I went to the gym, and had my therapy session with Dr. Marson. We spent some time talking about my restricting, and it is something that I need to spend some more time exploring, recognizing and adjusting.. but I will save that for another day.

After that, I went to a Step Study meeting, and really enjoyed myself. However, throughout my day I was just focused on making my dinner and meal plan for tomorrow work perfectly, and it was starting to become very irritating. It was like no matter what combination I tried to make work, I was left unsatisfied or freaking out about calories. When I arrived at the house, I found that my mother had made some pasta with vegetarian meat base... and it sounded WAY better than my rice veggies and tofu. I decided to be brave and made a serving of veggies and had a normal, healthy, dinner with my family. 

I think I used way too much pasta, but I would probably feel that way no matter what. I feel full, and satisfied and was able to relax while I ate. Now that I am nice and full I am EXTRA exhausted... so I am going to finish with my AEIOU's and call it a night!

A- Yes
E- 20 minutes rowing, 10 minutes abs and arms, 1 hour mindful meditation yoga, 20 minute walk
I- broke free of my food plan bondage, ate like a lady, went to therapy, shared at a meeting
O- Assisted a fellow with her food plan (let her commit it to me), checked in on friends in and out of program, spoke with a newcomer going through health problems, thanked the leader, held the door open for strangers at the gym, reached out to other newcomers. 
U- If I trust in my Higher Power by surrendering and relinquishing control he will prove to me time and time again that he exists and that he has my back. I am beginning to loose out on life by focusing on the food. 

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