Thursday, April 17, 2014

Day 2

Wow... I made it to day two... This might not seem like much, but I haven't seen one of these in quite some time. For the most part it was a really great day. 

I woke up and took a really good run and followed it up with some strength training. There really is no better feeling than working out first thing in the morning. Before i even set foot out the door I did some laundry, made quinoa and cleaned up a bit of my room.

School was sorta blah. I'm not feeling either of my classes right now. I'm also dealing with a very passive aggressive teacher who is starting to get under my skin. He's acting as if something is wrong, and treating me very strangely, and it makes me paranoid that I've done something wrong. I really don't like this feeling, but I'm trying not to let one person ruin my everything and just LET IT GO! (Easier said than done)

I finished out the day with an amazing dodgeball tournament with my cohort. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! I had the time of my life! We lost, but it was still great. I also get nervous about these sort of things, because I always worry about making an ass of myself. But I just went out there and tried to have a good time, and I think I was successful. 

Now I'm home, in my fresh bed, with a migraine. So I'm just going to wrap up with my AEIOU's and save the rest for later.

A- Thankfully, Yes!

E- 3.53 mile run, strength training and an hour and a half of dodgeball!

I- Tried something new

O- tried not to make assumptions


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

A Rough Start to a Glorious Beginning

So... I love how I came on here and professed my undying desire to get my shit together and get on the wagon and blog about everything and BLAH BLAH BLAH... and then 


I have no excuses for the last couples days... other than the fact that I still wasn't taking myself seriously. After ending a seeming amazing day with a Luna Bar and an entire bag of oatmeal animal cookies I woke up saying, "What the hell am I doing?!?!" 

I could barely pull myself out of bed, I had a migraine and even went to my internship late because I didn't want to face another disappointing day that resulted in my "Failure". Where I knew I had the real problem was when my supervisor offered to let me take the entire day, and I seriously contemplated never getting out of bed and just repeating the cycle for the 100th time...

Thankfully, I did not succumb to the shitty feelings, and I pulled my ass out of bed, ate a nutritious breakfast, showered, got dressed and showed up (even though 3 our of my 4 clients didn't!). I had a commitment to keep and damn it I was going to keep it.

However, I still felt like complete SHIT. After a desperate please to my best friend Talia for an intervention and a much needed cup of coffee I was beginning to feel much better. Together her and I created an amazing ACTION PLAN to get me back on the right track.

Step 1: I agreed to start committing my food to her each night before bed. This is something I used to do with my sponsor for awhile and I found it really helpful. It was sometimes just nice to give it over to someone else and not really have to stress over it. However, I haven't mustered up the confidence to go back to a meeting... so my BFF will have to do. 

Step 2: Make a flash card of things to do INSTEAD of stuffing my face at night (AKA a "coping card")...Not sure why I never did this before, but better late than never!

Step 3: Continue to work on the goals that I set for myself for this week... even though I kinda ignored them. This included my work out commitment and the blogging idea (Thank you Zumba class and the current entry I'm writing). 

Step 4: Call her and talk to her when and if I needed it :D (or just reach out to someone in general if need be)

Not so bad, huh! And surprisingly gave me some instant relief. It reminded me of when I first got into program and the wonderful feeling I felt having some sobriety from food under my belt... which in turn reminded me of a nightly thing I use to send my sponsor: My AEIOU's. 

So I decided to add a Step 5 to the action: complete my AEIOU's :D (for those of you who dont know that my Abstinence, Exercise, Thing I did for myself, Things I did for Others, and what I UNCOVERED for the day. 

So... now you get to have them:

Abstinent: My formal abstinence from program was "to keep what I eat"and I have successfully done that for more than a year. To me abstinence now means not Binging (no matter how small or large) or eating more than 3 meals and 2 optional snacks.

Exercise: I Zumba'd my ass off for 55 minutes and loved every second. I even got a compliment on my energy level!

What I did for myself: I slept end, I showed up, I kept my commitments, I reached out for help, I spoke my mind, I tried something new

What I did for Others: I took the time to listen to someone who is normally quiet, I gave someone who is not heard a voice. I showed up, I offered my support

What did I Uncover today: The other day I watched a fabulous movie called Coach Carter... and it took my breath away. Throughout the movie Coach Carter asks one of his students, "What is your biggest fear?" and the kid had no idea what he was talking about. Finally the kid responds with this quote:

I have fully decided to adopt this as my current mantra. Feel free to join me.

Well, that's enough for tonight. It is time for some sleeps.

Take Care

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Crawling out of the Abyss!!!


This is Christina. I can not believe that it has been almost a year since I last wrote in this blog. I've thought about returning to it so many times... but always found something "better" to do with it.

A lot has happened since I last wrote on here. And sadly, most of it is not noteworthy.

I ran my first full Marathon, The LA Marathon.
I made it through the worst quarter of Grad School EVER
I reached one year of sobriety from purging
I spoke up for myself in my relationship

Those were probably the most important. Looking through this list though... I realized that I did not really celebrate ANY of these accomplishments. The Marathon was a really big goal for me, but I didn't achieve the time or finish that I wanted. To be honest, I was more disappointed in myself than proud (and still am). But, I'm hoping to come back strong next year and kick its ASS! Winter quarter was the worst.. and I barely scraped by. I got good grades and celebrated by sitting on my ass in bed for an entire spring break stuffing my face and feeling miserable. My recover-versary was nothing short of LAME. I still struggle with food, and emotional eating, so it feels like I haven't really made any progress in this year. I stopped going to AA, I really stopped TRYING and I guess I've just given up on myself.

I wont talk about my relationship because I don't feel like this is the place to do it... but know that things are very confusing, and I feel extremely lost in the thick of things.

Overall I FEEL LIKE SHIT... and I don't want to anymore. I don't like the way I look, I have no energy, I never want to get out of bed, So, for the first time today, I have decided that I am going to really try to do something different, instead of making a list of all the things I am "going" to do... and I will actually start doing them.

GOALS: I keep telling myself that I need to start setting weekly goals... and then I go right back in to doing nothing. When I was in therapy with Dr. Marson part of our group therapy was to make weekly goals. I really like this idea, because right now, I am struggling with just getting through each day. So, each Sunday, I am going to write out my goals for the week, put them on a flash card and place it on my mirror, or next to my mirror... ONE OF THE TWO.

My Goals for this week:

               1. Stop feeling sorry for myself! (Write at least one gratitude list)
               2. Complete all my scheduled exercises (4 runs, and 1 swim, and a Zumba class)
               3. Go to at least one OA meeting
               4. Clean up the 3 B's (My Bedroom, My Body, and my Brain)
               5. Blog it out 3-5x's this week!

This seems like a really good place to start. It wont be easy, but I need to get back to the basics.

Thanks for letting me talk it out :D