One of the personal reads that I wanted to pick up was a book called "8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder" by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. It is designed as a "self-help" and clinician's tool to help people recover from eating disorders (much like the title implies).
It's hard to imagine what my worst eating disorder day was, because I feel like ALL of them were the worst. Just being and living in bulimia felt terrible the majority of the time. My days that I would consider to be exceedingly bad were full of deception, isolation, self pity and a ton of binging and vomiting. I consider myself a night owl and this is when I did most of my "Best" work. I can remember one particular time that Tyler (my boyfriend of 5+ years) and I were having some awkward fights all night long because I wanted to have sex and he simply kept reporting that he was, "Too tired to make love" to me. Although I genuinely knew that he was just exhausted I took this as a very personal insult to me as a female.
"What must be so wrong with me that my own boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me? I must be the ugliest woman on the planet. The thought of me naked is making him sick, and he has to "pretend" that he is tired just so that he doesn't have to look at me. I bet there is another girl, someone... someone who is everything that I am not. Not that it would be hard to find her, because I am nothing. I am a disgusting piece of fat, human flesh that is undeserving of the kindness and compassion of another human being. Look at him, He doesn't care about me... and why should he?!?! I'm annoying, unattractive, a horrible FUCK, and a true pain in the ass. I don't know why he is wasting his time on me...."
And so it went on in my head for HOURS as we watched a movie sitting in his living room. I had already made up my mind that if he didn't care enough about my satisfaction, then I would find someone that would. I don't believe in cheating in relationships, and I care way too much about Tyler to ever become emotionally or physically involved with another man... so I had to fill my void with something else. Something that has ALWAYS worked in the past. Food. When the movie ended and he announced that it was time to go to bed I made up some excuse for why I needed to sleep in my own bed that night (I had to get up early, I wasn't really tired and I didn't want to keep him up, I needed to work on "homework"... I was an endless lie factory) and I walked myself out the door. Of course, he didn't put up a fight for me to stay and off I went into the night to go replace every ounce of angry, jealous, dissatisfied and hurt emotion in my body with something of substance.
I stopped at the Ralph's just before the freeway on ramp (because they have self check out machines) and stocked up on all the essentials. Pop tarts, cookies, ice cream, trail mix, chips and danishes and Reese's peanut butter cups over flowing in the hand basket, because I had to have enough food to last the 30 minute car ride home and then still have something to eat when I got home as I paid and hopped in my car. I could not wait to open up a package and dive in. My mouth had been salivating for hours waiting for the sweet taste of food. Before I could even get my seat belt on, the bag of chips was open. I mindlessly ate through the entire drive home. It is hard to know exactly how much I ate... most of the items are a blur and most were gone by the time I got home. I believe only the cookies and the ice cream were left for me when I got home.
I cleaned up most of the wrappers from inside the car, but then placed them in a bag in my trunk. I would throw them away on trash day so that my family wouldn't see the wrappers. When I got home, I put the ice cream in the fridge and looked to see what my mother had made for dinner and if there was any left overs. Lucky for me, she made beans and rice for dinner. I grabbed a bag of Frito's Scoops and headed off in to my bedroom. I turned the television on and just ate away. before I knew it, the entire container of food was gone and I was left with nothing but salty, greasy fingers and crumbs all over my bed. I remembered that my mom had a piece of cake from a work function that was sitting in the fridge. I grabbed that and decided to make a Double Decker Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich while I was at it. I knew the cake wasn't going to last all the way through the next commercial break.
At this point, I was beginning to feel full, but I had plans to eat so much more. A bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats and Cheerios, the Ice cream I bought, graham crackers and more peanut butter... and I there were some frozen waffles in the freezer that I had totally forgot that I wanted to eat!!! I decided to go for the ice cream since I had gone out of my way to purchase it. By the time I went through the pint I literally could not breathe because I was so full... Each breath sent a shooting pain up my side, and the only position that felt comfortable was to lying down.
I laid there for a few moments... trying to decide whether I could manage to eat one more thing, or if I should just wait for the commercial break so I could go throw up. A few minutes passed and I FELL ASLEEP!!! I woke up about an hour later in an absolute panic and headed straight for the bathroom. I knelt in front of the toilet, put my right index and middle finger in my mouth and gently pushed them back and forth until the vomit came spewing from my mouth. I could BREATHE again and I felt exhilarated. I vomited for a few minutes, each time feeling like the world was being lifted from my shoulders. Eventually my throat my sore, my stomach was empty, my eyes were watering, and I was exhausted...
But I felt great. In fact... I felt nothing.
I went back to my bed and continued watching my television program. During one of the commercials I began to remember the Frosted Mini Wheats that I never got to eat. I told myself that I could have them with tomorrow nights binge and convinced myself that I was too tired. A few minutes passed, and all I could think about was the damn cereal. I told myself that I really needed some sort of nutrient in my body and that one bowl of cereal would not hurt me. I even decided I was going to eat the Cheerios's instead, because they were better for me. Within in minutes I found myself in the kitchen making a bowl of cereal. Only, I couldn't just eat plain Cheerios... I added chocolate covered raisins to them so that I felt really satisfied. I went back to my bedroom and polished off the bowl.
I wanted more. And so it went on for about another 40 minutes. A bagel and cream cheese, more Graham crackers, a piece of string cheese and wheat thins with cream cheese, a jello pudding cup, and eventually the beloved Mini Wheats that I NEVER ACTUALLY ATE!!! (I had two of those to make up for the one I never ate). It was two AM and I knew that I needed to go to bed. I found myself in the bathroom one more time and vomited until I felt a rush of euphoria and then the sweet, serene void of emotions. I rinsed my mouth out with mouthwash, and put myself back to bed. I had forgotten all about Tyler and the fact that he was unwilling to have sex with me... I was ready to go to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt awful. My mouth was dry, and tasted horrible, I felt as though I had only been asleep for a couple minutes and I could not believe what I had done. I felt so ashamed. I had lied to my partner, I had spent so much money on food that I had then flushed down the toilet, and I was embarrassed by the food crumbs in my bed, and I instantly remembered the trash in my trunk. What kind of horrible person was I?!?!?! If only I had just stayed at Tyler's... none of this would have happened. I began to cry, because I then remembered that I was angry with him, and knew that I wouldn't hear from him for hours. I just wanted to pull the blanket over my head and push the "Do Over button". I told myself that I was not going to eat for breakfast to make up for all the calories I knew I had consumed and eventually drifted back to sleep.
Eventually I heard my mom and step dad making breakfast in the kitchen, and all I could think was, "God I hope its something I could eat." I dragged myself out of bed and went to find that they had made waffles! I had never been so excited in my life. But I knew that I could justify eating waffles after what I had done. I decided to eat half of a banana, go for a 5 mile run, and then I could eat a waffle after I returned.
During the run I raddled off the list of food that I had eaten... things I didn't remember planning or actually eating. I think that I was hoping that listing them would remove their content from my body (especially since it was while I was running). I vowed to myself that this was the last time that I was ever going to treat my body this way, and pushed my pace just a little bit harder. I had made a plan of all the "healthy" foods I was going to eat for the day in order to "Get back on track".
When I got home I drank a glass of soy milk and hopped in the shower. I saw the scale sitting next to the toilet and was tempted to step on it... but I knew that was a horrible idea. Besides, I hadn't had a bowel movement yet, and I had rules about weighing myself 1. I have to have exercised 2) I had to have not eaten breakfast yet 3) I had to have had a bowel movement.besides, even though I had exercised (I ran 6 miles) I felt HUGE. I talked myself out of stepping on the scale and just stood in front of the mirror looking to see all the bulges of the foods I had eaten the few hours before. I sucked in my stomach, lifted my breasts and looked at myself from all angels, grabbing the fatty side ares that I felt the most ashamed. I finally left the bathroom and I quickly got dressed in a fresh pair of pajamas away from my bedroom mirror where I could continue to scrutinize my hideous shape. I grabbed one waffle, sliced up a banana and poured almonds, honey and syrup all over it. I told myself, there was no sense in continuing to punish myself and that I might as well eat something for breakfast and start the day over. I ate in my bedroom because my parents had already eaten, and I felt awkward eating in front of them.
Only, waffles are not a very safe food for me. I felt guilty for eating something and told myself I should have had eggs instead! How could I be so stupid!!?!?!? I was still exhausted and had wasted almost and entire day. It was noon, and I had accomplished no homework and had not heard anything from Tyler.. Wasn't he worried about me!?!? No, of course not... he was being a good, productive student and doing his homework unlike lazy, worthless me. My parents were getting ready to leave to run errands and my mental planning began. As soon as they left, I hit the cupboards.
I binged and purged a few more times that day... each time ending in tears... wishing that I could stop. My mom called me when they were on their way home and asked if I wanted anything for lunch from Del Taco. Without hesitation I said "A veggie works burrito, a quesadilla and a large french fry". I threw up one more time before they got home so that I had room. I ate each bite of that food and then vomited silently in the bathroom. 3 o clock... and nothing had been done. I remembered that there were some ice cream bars in the fridge, so I ate those with some almonds and held on to them for a bit. Eventually Tyler called and we resolved not to make plans for the day. this was perfect because now I could keep binging. As I hung up the phone I laid in bed and cried myself back to sleep.
My phone rang, and i did not answer it. I could not talk to anyone right now. I checked my emails and mindlessly refreshed Facebook, but I could not actually interact with the human race. I could not put clothes on and be a functioning member of society. I laid in bed all afternoon drinking caprisun and vitamin water to rehydrate myself. Eventually I fell back to sleep to a lifetime movie. When i woke up, it was dinner time... and the cycle just went on.
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Wow... that was really difficult... even somewhat triggering... and so sad. I am going to commit now to reading this to my therapist during our session on Tuesday. I don't have the will power to read it back now. Although it was hard to be this brutally honest... it somehow feels freeing... but I am sitting with a lot of those feelings right now.
Sadly, it is late, and I have to get up at 5am for my RACE TOMORROW!!! I am running to Ojai Half marathon as part of my 13-13.1's in 2013 and I am super excited... yet nervous about this race. It's going to be very hilly, so I am not expecting a PR... but I will bring my A-Game regardless :)
Well, last but not least, here are my AEIOU's for the day
A- YES. I kept what I ate :)
E- 40 minute light sunset walk
I- I was gentle with myself, I fed myself, I made outreach calls, I did some reading and writing, I learned CPR and First aid, I did some reading for class on Group Therapy, I sat in my back yard, I choose a MUCH needed nap over going to an OA meeting (bad sponsee!!!), I did NOT compulsively buy new running shoes, I cleaned my own room. I did NOT go in for 4pm-12:30 work shift because I knew it would ruin my race!!!
O- I rehearsed Madrigals with Tyler, I complemented a stranger. I checked in on a struggling OA, I shared my story on this blog to try and help someone else, I helped clean the kitchen and bathroom
U- I have come to a point where I am no longer controlling my "diet", but it is controlling me through my disease. I do not want to be married with children still struggling to let go of this affliction, and my desire to get better and healthier has to be stronger than my FEAR of gaining weight or failure. I want "to look my past in the face, see it for what it really was, and release it so I can live today."
Wish Me Luck!!!
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