Sunday, April 28, 2013

The Measuring Stick

Happy Sunday Everyone!!! I am writing about my day for the delicious comfort of my bed!!! I ran the Ojai Half Marathon at 8am this morning (which meant I was up at 5am) and just now (2:30pm) have finished eating, showering, and putting my things away so that I can comfortably relax with my swag!!!

Holy Cow was this an amazing race! I wish that I was one of those people that ran with my cell phone so I could have taken pictures... but I am not, so you will have to pretend. The trail was fair, the scenery was breath taking (most of it), and the spirit in the air was exhilarating. When you add all of those things together, you got your self a pretty wonderful race day. So it should could as no surprise that I PR'd at this race:

Avg Pace

Yes, ladies and gentlemen... that says 1:46:48 (My previous PR was 1:47:37... that's almost a whole minute off my time!!! However, my chip time results were 1:46:16. but when I crossed the finish line my Garmin said 13.05.... which meant it was not TRULY a Half Marathon, so I kept running until it read 13.1 (crazy much?!?!?) Either way... it's a PR, and I am super excited! I really surprised myself with this race too. There were a lot of hills, and I was not anticipating doing anywhere near this well. There were some amazing moments during this race. The girl that actually let me talk to her while racing.. so sweet, at mile 10 when I poured a cup of Gatorade on my head... thinking that it was water (and the guy in front of me who I scared the shit out of when I cursed out loud), the finish line when I pounded so hard I thought I was going to fly and being able to bring in all the ladies on my running team, and anyone else who came in after me with a resounding applause as they crossed the finish line!

These are the AMAZING women I ran with from RacePace running

Now, that being said there are some things that I have to be aware of that my vulnerable/diseased self are trying to impart on me.

1) The only reason I did so well was because the weather was really cool and overcast for the first 45 minutes.
Now, this may not seem this harmless, but really it's pretty damaging to my psyche. Sure, the weather may have influenced my performance a TAD... but there were a lot of other factors at play. I have been training really hard, I have been taking care of my body by fueling it with good nutrition and self care (not binging and purging) and I deserve credit for my PR... not Mother Nature (although I do love her, and I am thankful that she gave me a WONDERFUL world to run in). I too often don't allow myself to take credit for my accomplishments... but for today I am going to say that I kick ass!!!

3) I burned over 1500 calories... so I should eat WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT
Some runners may feel that this is true, but that does not hold over well with this compulsive overeater/bulimic. Yes, I do need to replenish the stores that I have taken from, and do my part to refuel my body so that it can continue to work well for me... but that does not mean six extra helpings of food, or a free for all at the frozen yogurt place (although that is what I really want to do). Instead, I am going to reward all of my hard work with some healthy treats that I know will leave me satisfied. I am going to feed myself the way I usually do, but add JUST  few extras to make sure that I am not putting myself into starvation mode (which then leads to binge mode, and then into purge mode).

3) That I have now had 3 bowel movements and have burned over 1500 calories... so I should DEFINITELY weigh myself .
UUUUUmmmm... this is just all around a terrible idea. I have been thinking a lot about how much I let my weight dictate EVERYTHING about me. And I am not going to let it define my success for this day... or any day for that matter. That number will not make me happy and it will ruin the beautiful, blissful feelings I have about myself right now, and I am NOT willing to let anything take that away from me right now! So i am here to say that Just for Today: I can own and accept my accomplishments, and not look for others excuses for why they occurred. THE SCALE DOES NOT DEFINE MY SUCCESS. I EARNED MY PR... NOT MY WEIGHT!!!

When I finally got home I received a call from one of my FAVORITE OA's who was carrying the EXACT message to replicate what I was already thinking. She brought to my attention that what keeps us miserable in our disease the most is that we are constantly using a "Measuring Stick" to compare ourselves to others, put them down, and make our selves feel better. Like, "My shoes are better than her... I'm a better person," "I'm thinner and faster than her, so that makes me more superior," or

She told me that we use a lot of tools to compare ourselves to the rest of the world: our weight, our size, our cars, our clothing, our ability to restrict food, our ability to eat a healthy diet, education, housing status, partners... YOU NAME IT!!! The measuring stick has served a wonderful purpose in my life as a great coping mechanism to protect myself and make myself better... but it has simultaneously made me hate who I am for being so judgmental and petty. So, I have decided that I am going to turn over my scale to God... and no longer use it as a measuring stick in my life to keep me perched above the world.

The rest of my evening was filled with food, an OA meeting some quality time with Tyler. We went and got some Frozen Yogurt at our favorite shop. Every bite was delicious and enjoyed :). One of the pieces of advice that I have come across in my recovery is to try new things when I'm feeling good and to play it safe when I'm not. Today, I am feeling good... so I mixed it up a little.

With that, I think it's time for some AEIOU's  and bed time!

A- Yes
E- I ran a half marathon!!!! and PR'd :)
I- I was gentle, I fueled my body, I celebrated my successes, I rested, I shared my struggle, I opened my heart to my HP, I asked questions and was genuine, I thanked each piece of my body for all the hard work it put in (literally, I did this in front of the mirror and in the shower...).
O- I was kind, I bought coffee for the two women I ran with, I celebrated the success of others, I opened my heart and my mind so that someone elses' story could come in. I outreached to two fellows.
U- When I take care of little Christina, Big Christina can accomplish amazing things! I have to relieve my self centeredness by not allowing myself to play God. I am no longer in control!

God, I pray that you will help keep me Abstinent for another day. Amen

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