Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Acceptance, Love and The Spiritual Gap

Remember that potted plant I bought on a whim at Trader Joe's?!?! Look what happened!!!

HAHAHAHA... Just kidding. This was the center piece from Melissa's wedding over the weekend... but aren't they gorgeous?!?! I thought I should share them with you, but you are gorgeous as well :) I'll take a picture of the potted plant tomorrow. It has already bloomed and looks WONDERFUL.

I've really come to enjoy Tuesdays. I only have one class, I get to go to meditation and therapy... overall the day just has a very calm feeling about it. But this Tuesday was EXTRA special. I made it to class on time, I finally found a GOOD Tuesday night meeting to attend, I got to see someone from program who I had lost touch with and I got to have my first successful outreach call to a new comer :)

In therapy today, I brought in some old pictures of myself, ones that I thought really showed off how much weight I had on me. I was able to talk about how much disgust and sadness I had for that little girl. It was really painful saying out loud that you disgust yourself and that at any minute you will return to that former person. She got made fun of, she couldn't shop in normal stores, she could never have a boyfriend, she couldn't make the cheer leading squad, she hated being in front of people in a bathing suit, she was lazy, unattractive, spoiled and did not respect herself, she cared more about television and snacks after school than paying attention in school and she was a horrible soccer player...

But she was also in a lot of pain, and she did the best she could in a very difficult situation... and she deserves Acceptance and Love just as much as I do...Because SHE IS ME. I can not make a full recovery until I forgive and learn to love that happy little girl. She did nothing wrong, and does not deserve to be hated by me any longer! So, For Today, I can give her acceptance for who she was. I may not have like being fat, but that does not mean that has nothing to do with liking the person that I am. There is far more to her than physical characteristics.... thinks that I couldn't even list if I wanted to. But even without knowledge of them... she deserves to be loved. 

I ended the session with my therapist saying that in 10 years, I did not want to look back at pictures of my current self and feel the way that I feel about my younger pictures... I want to genuinely love myself... so I'm guessing that is where we will start to work.

I also had a really successful meeting tonight. It was a Step Study, and we went over Step Two:

"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

The leader for the meeting spoke so openly about his 10 year experience in program, and it was so motivating to me. He just seemed so content, free and happy, and it gave me such a good feeling deep down inside. He spoke about how he defined balance in his life as though he was a leaf floating on the water, taking the course that was created for him. I really liked the thought of this. But most importantly, I liked when he spoke about The Spiritual Gap (the time between his feeling and his action).

At the beginning of my journey... there was no gap. I had a feeling, I ate, or acted out. Right now, I am able to pause, gain some understanding and allow my "Healthy Voice" to have some say and create a more reasonable action plan. The second step says that

"Our true insanity could be seen in the fact that we kept right on trying to find comfort in excess food, long after it began to cause us misery." (pg. 11 OA 12&12)

When I don't utilize my Spiritual Gap and let my HP have some say... I am going to fall right back in to an irrational, unbalanced and insane way of life... and I can no longer afford that.

With ALL that being said... Here are my AEIOU's

A- Yes
E- Rowing Machine for 30 minutes, and 1 hour of mindful meditation yoga :)
I- I started my day with a story from the Big Book, I went to therapy, I did some meditation, I intuitively listened to my body and nourished myself with 3 satisfying meals and two hearty snacks :)
O- I made 2 calls to newcomers, and had one call me back. I was able to guide him to the pod casts! I thanked the meeting leader, I took two numbers of fellows (this might have been more for me ;)). I authentically made amends to a friend over something I did a week ago when she brought it up to me.
U- Just for today, I can utilize my Spiritual Gap. This is the time that is in between my feelings and my actions. I can pause, gain some understanding, allow my HP to have a say in the matter, and then act!

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