Wednesday, April 10, 2013

4/9/13 and 4/10/13

I started writing a blog entry yesterday, and never finished it... but thought it had some valid stuff... I also started one today that I think is important... So I just decided to combine the two :)


It is amazing to me how much of an affect food can have on my system. I haven't been able to sleep at all, I am completely unable to wake up in the morning. I feel disgustingly full until late in the morning. I have terrible gas, bloating and irritable bowels. I have headaches, and I feel like my head is in a cloud until almost noon.

When my alarm went off at 6am, I immediately went back to sleep and had to DRAG myself out of bed at 6:50. Today is my favorite class, and I almost talked myself in to missing it, because I wanted to stay in bed. My solution was to think about how much more upset that I would be if I missed that class, and how getting up was going to help me more than staying in bed would be. I did the bare minimum to get myself ready today, and ran out the door. Normally, even on mornings when I wake up exhausted, I can still get myself out of bed and get into the motions of the day. But after a night of overeating... I am so much more lethargic and unmotivated.

After I blogged last night, I slipped into another binge: apple pastries, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, cereal, granola bars, trail mix, pretzels and chocolate covered raisins... THE WORKS!!! However, I kept my abstinence and Kept What I Ate. This is both good and bad. I really like the new framework of my abstinence, but I think that it allows too much room for me to cheat. I'm not going to change it, I just need to be more aware of what I'm doing.

I spoke to my friend Sarah, who has been there for me since Day 1 in program, and she agreed to serve as a food sponsor for me. I am going to call her each morning, and commit a food plan to her, and I am also going to track what I am eating (items, not calories) and send it to her each night. I think adding this component to my tool belt will help add some structure to my kinder, gentler abstinence... creating a "Super Tool" for me to remain healthy, wealthy and wise

So, apparently getting back on program is much harder than I thought it was going to be. I am proud to say that I haven't purged, but I am still secretly Overeating like a mad woman compulsive over eater. I am starting to feel hopeless about ever being able to get better. On my way to my internship today my sponsor called me and began to read a section of the first step to me and i just began to bawl!!! I am so powerless over food right now and my life has become supremely unmanageable. There is a part that talks about abstaining from "triggering foods" and the only thought that crossed my mind was


I feel into a sob while driving and could not control how utterly scared I was. This, ladies and gentlemen, was my real rock bottom. I got to a point where I could not make any choices for myself today. I was running late, I could not prepare food, or even pick out clothes without getting SOMETHING wrong. It was time to give it over to the will of God. So I literally let go of the wheel (after pulling off to the side of the road) and just prayed to God to remove my fear and show me faith so that I could trust in him to guide me down the right path. After about 10 minutes of fervent texting and praying and got myself together and went to my internship. It was an exceedingly long day....

I am trying to put the tools of OA into action. I am reaching out (once the crisis is over), I am still going to meetings, I am working with my sponsor and my food sponsor, I am writing, and praying to my higher power and I am remaining abstinent by keeping the food that I eat. However, my character defects are still over powering a lot of my life.

Fear: I am so afraid of failure, and letting people down, and being an imperfect person that I am crippling myself. I am afraid of losing control at any moment, so I am constantly keeping my brain in the idea that I am weak, and anything that I come up against is impossible. I am afraid that I will never be able to recover from this, which makes me nervous that I am going to lose some very important people in my life.

Guilt: Anything I eat makes me feel guilty. I have placed so much extra stress on my body that I feel as though I don't deserve to feel hungry or eat any more food.

I took the afternoon to read a story in the Big Book and do some writing, like my sponsor suggested. She also suggested that I NOT exercise today... which was really hard for me to accept. I was already pretty annoyed with her today, because she kept wanting me to commit to eating food at certain times, when the LAST thing I wanted to think about was FOOD!!! I often had to just put my cell phone down, walk away, and remind myself that she is only trying to help me... and then Humbly agreed to do whatever she asked me to do. With her help I made it through 3 meals and two snacks today abstinently... even though I REALLY didn't want to. Any whoo... all I really wanted to do was exercise and feel better about myself, but she was very adamant about not letting me do that... I again put the phone down, walked away, came back and agreed to do whatever she asked me to do.

After a short nap, I got up and went to one of my favorite meetings :). I shared, genuinely, cried some more and begged people to take my number and call me, text me or just send me silly cat pictures... ANYTHING to get more help than I was giving myself. I had several women take my info or give me there that promised to call me in the next week. It felt so wonderful to just let go of all the sadness and hurt that I was holding on to and pushing to the side over the last couple days. I immediately felt better. They were selling Recovery Jewelry at this meeting, and I was so excited!!! I have been waiting for them to make come around so I could buy one. I purchased a beautiful bracelet with the word Strength on it

I am hoping that it will remind me that I have some and that I am strong, even when I cant remember.

I stopped at Trader Joe's on the way home and bought some groceries... including a small set of bulbs. It's there to remind me that I am just a budding seed that needs lots of love and support to grow to be a wonderful, blossoming (abstinent) flower. Much like myself... I have NO idea what it is going to grow into, but I am excited to watch it grow!

I finished out the night by spending time with my aunt, prepping food and my bags for tomorrow and now, chatting with a fellow via text message... Life is good.

As you can see... it was a very SELF involved evening!!! Now, it's time for my AEIOU'S... so that I can do homework go to sleep!

A- Yes, Yes, and Yes!!!

E- No Thank You! (actually I walked to my aunt's house, who lives a block away)

I- bought myself presents, made myself vulnerable  took the time that I needed to feel loved, reached out to a fellow who I have been nervous about calling,

O- I saw a woman outside my meeting who was holding a 12 and 12 who was going the wrong way. I almost kept walking, but I stopped and asked her if she was looking for a meeting, and showed her where it was (its in kind of a tricky spot). She came up and thanked me in the most rewarding way possible afterwards and it warmed my heart!

U- Loving myself and caring for myself is not a Selfish act, IT IS A NON-NEGOTIABLE!!!

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