Some people may look at today as a chance to "Start Over" or put into action some sort of change that they have been contemplating for some time. I can not tell you the countless Mondays and 1st of the Months I have vowed that to eat cleaner, exercise more efficiently, stop binging on fattening/decadent foods and of course that I will NEVER throw up again. Sometimes making this proclamation gave me enough motivation to get through the day, or even a couple if I was doing really well... but regardless it was always followed by a very large and painful binge and purge session that would drag me to the next Monday or the next Month.
This is not the case for me today, because there is nothing for me to start over with :) As my therapist helped me to point at yesterday, I am in a really good place and doing exceedingly well in my recovery. As I mentioned yesterday, this does not mean that I get to "slack off" or that my work is done, but it does mean that just for today, I do NOT have to "Start Over".
This is a strange feeling for me. I am just overcome with joy... which automatically takes me to a place of fear. I'm so uncomfortable feeling good about myself or my situation and I usually do something or find someway to make those positive feelings go away. It's as if my vulnerable/disease mind says, "Nothing this good can last forever, so why even let yourself feel this? You just shouldn't get use to this." Part of what my Vulnerable self said is true, that no feeling can last forever. "This too shall pass" includes both negative AND positive emotions. But that does not mean that I should enjoy having good days and experience the bad days. If I live in fear of losing this Joy... I am only going to end up disappointed and upset. So, for today, I can enjoy my Joy and hold on to the good that it has knowing that tomorrow is another day and I might feel different.
That being said, I have decided that I want to set up some goals for myself for the Month of May. Nothing too crazy, but something to track my progress :).
Goals for May!!!
1. Keep What I Eat/ No Throwing Up No Matter WHAT! I feel like this goes without saying... but we can all use a little reminder every now and then, No?! The only way to break the cycle of my disease is to stop purging. And since this is my abstinence and I want to gain more chips... I have to start making this happen on a more consecutive basis.
2. Try to Eliminate the word HATE from my vocabulary. Today has been some what of an irritating day as far as my internship goes, and I found myself using the word HATE a lot... and I realize that this is a VERY toxic emotion to have hanging around me. So, from now on, I am going to try to catch myself when I begin to want to use this term (or do use this term) and replace it with either a less offensive word... or even the LOOOOVE word :)
3. Gain Strength and Pride Without the use of the scale. I know that I've been talking this one to death lately, but a very big part of my recovery lies in my ability to not rely on my weight as a measure of my worth. For now, I do not need to know what I weigh. I am not going to get "restrictive" with it and say that I CANT weigh myself ever again... but for now, I want to explore who I am WITHOUT the number and learn to accept and eventually love her
4. Provide one positive affirmation to my body every morning. Until I learn to appreciate and love my body, I will not be able to make any lasting changes. I have already started incorporating this into my routine, but I am hoping to make it a lasting activity. When I shower I thank my legs for all the things that they have helped me accomplish, I tell my stomach that I am grateful that it helps keep me nourished. I thank my arms for the support and my calves for the motivation they give me. I am not able to love my body as a whole set yet, but I can appreciate its components until then.
5. Keep using my resources wisely. This means keep showing up for therapy (individual and group), going to meetings, being of service, using the tools that OA provides me and doing the 10,000 pages of reading available to me. Keep making calls, text and checking in with my sponsor regularly.. Even Especially when I don't want to.
6. Leave my internship gracefully. I have had a lot of ups and downs with my internship, and in some funky ways I am sad yet insanely excited to see it come to a close. But, I have to remember to keep professional and not leave with a bad taste in my mouth about it. (I think I see a gratitude list coming on soon).
I know there are more things involved with my May Goals... but this seems like enough. The rest of my day went pretty well. I had a great run, went to a great meeting and got to be of service, and even spent some time with a really good friend of mine from High School who I haven't seen since the summer. I got to share a lot with him, which left me feeling really vulnerable and overwhelmed, and I automatically wanted to go to the food... Instead I got out of my own head and made some phone calls/text messages and I am feeling much better.
That being said, I still have a lot to do tonight, so I am going to say good night, and give you my AEIOU's for this lovely May Day.
A-Yes. Abstinence is the most important thing, no matter what!!!
E- Ran 6.56 miles (54 minutes)
I- Did my daily reading, Set loose goals for the month of May, Checked in my foods, Shared my Joy at a meeting, Placed principles before personalities (even though I didn't want to), Called/text people when I was feeling weak, allowed myself to experience Joy, Fed myself mindfully and did not trip over eating outside of my comfort zone (aka... adjusted when needed), enjoyed an evening with an old friend.
O- I helped a newcomer get to a meeting, checked in a past client who I thought was in jail and wasn't, was present and available to a friend in need, checked in on 2 fellows, meditated love to those I do not feel it for.
U- It is May 1st and I do not have to start over today!!! Having fear of losing a positive feeling is irrational. All emotions come and go at some point, and we should appreciate and accept them and not be so quick to give them away.
God, I pray that you help me stay abstinent for another day, help guide me to do they will always, and do for me what I am unable to do for myself. Amen.
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