Some people may look at today as a chance to "Start Over" or put into action some sort of change that they have been contemplating for some time. I can not tell you the countless Mondays and 1st of the Months I have vowed that to eat cleaner, exercise more efficiently, stop binging on fattening/decadent foods and of course that I will NEVER throw up again. Sometimes making this proclamation gave me enough motivation to get through the day, or even a couple if I was doing really well... but regardless it was always followed by a very large and painful binge and purge session that would drag me to the next Monday or the next Month.
This is not the case for me today, because there is nothing for me to start over with :) As my therapist helped me to point at yesterday, I am in a really good place and doing exceedingly well in my recovery. As I mentioned yesterday, this does not mean that I get to "slack off" or that my work is done, but it does mean that just for today, I do NOT have to "Start Over".
This is a strange feeling for me. I am just overcome with joy... which automatically takes me to a place of fear. I'm so uncomfortable feeling good about myself or my situation and I usually do something or find someway to make those positive feelings go away. It's as if my vulnerable/disease mind says, "Nothing this good can last forever, so why even let yourself feel this? You just shouldn't get use to this." Part of what my Vulnerable self said is true, that no feeling can last forever. "This too shall pass" includes both negative AND positive emotions. But that does not mean that I should enjoy having good days and experience the bad days. If I live in fear of losing this Joy... I am only going to end up disappointed and upset. So, for today, I can enjoy my Joy and hold on to the good that it has knowing that tomorrow is another day and I might feel different.
That being said, I have decided that I want to set up some goals for myself for the Month of May. Nothing too crazy, but something to track my progress :).