Monday, April 29, 2013

Post- Race Munchies!!!

I'm going to try and make this short... because I am tired and still have a lot of homework to do.

Today was somewhat of an odd day for me. I started with a nice slow shake out run that felt like it was never going to end and then headed out to internship. My metabolism has kicked in to overdrive and all I want to do is EAT THE WORLD!!!! Now, I understand that I just burned a billion calories yesterday... but that does not mean that I can just go willy nilly about my food. I have tried to find a good balance today, but I am still left sitting here at the end of the night wanting to go shove my head in to the refrigerator! I don't know whether I am hungry or if I am wanting to binge... so I have decided that I just need to stay away from the kitchen and ramp up my calorie intake for tomorrow.

I also had a very bizarre day around my readings/meditations. Lately I have felt as though my program and the things I have been experiencing in my life have been revolving around giving up control, and giving it over to the will of God (aka the third step: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him).  I woke up today and did a small reading that my sponsor asked me to do from the Big Book, and something interesting really stuck with me. The writer began talking about how not looking at how his addiction was affecting every aspect and behavior of his life hindered his recovery and made it more difficult for him to find the solutions. I feel like this really spoke to what I had been fighting with all the week.

My abstinence is that I must keep what I eat. And it is a miracle for me that I have not thrown up for this many days in a row (whoo!). However, there are several other things that I "engage in" that continue to feed my disease. By counting calories and obsessively planning my meals, I am not giving it over to God's will. And I am not allowing my Higher Power to return me to sanity by allowing the scale to dictate my life. I spoke with my sponsor tonight about what I read, and she suggested that I do some writing about the scale, and what it does to me mentally. I'm not sure I have the energy to do it right now... but perhaps that can be tomorrows post... I feel like I spent yesterday writing about it... so I'm going to bring it up in therapy tomorrow with Dr. Marson and see where it takes me.

The rest of my day was pretty selfish and almost lead to some overeating. I came home from internship and ate dinner, then went to Trader Joe's for some grocery shopping before getting a wonderful sports massage. However, my massage therapist was running late, and I booked my appointment a LITTLE too close to my meeting, and was not able to go to the 8pm meeting I wanted to. This made me feel REALLY guilty. How could I plan something so close to my meeting time. How could I be so self-centered?!?!? But then I realized that I could not control him being on time or late. It was out of BOTH of our control, and you know what... it was damn well worth it. Plus, it is not as if I scheduled it PLANNING to miss the meeting. It was just the way things worked out. Apparently my HP thought I had heard enough messages for one day.

I ate my snack afterwards and found myself extra hungry. I went back for another spoonful of peanut butter and before I knew it I was searching in the cabinets and the fridge for more to eat. I picked up the jar to have ONE more spoonful when I paused and said... "This is not a good idea."I quickly put the jar down and picked up my phone to send out some text messages. And now here I am. I grateful for the willingness to be aware of compromising situations. Eating Peanut Butter straight from the jar is a dangerous deal for me and something I have to watch for.

Ok, I keep trying to fall asleep which means it is time for my AEIOU's!!!

A- Yes
E- Ran a slow 4.4 miles (35 minutes)
I- Got a massage!, did some reading, spoke honestly about where I am at
O- encouraged 2 friends who were struggling to be gentle with themselves and not beat themselves up. Shared words of encouragement with those I care about
U- My willingness to be aware is my greatest asset today :)

God, I pray you help keep me abstinent for another day. Amen.

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