Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Multiple Messages!

Boy, was my Higher Power trying to send me a message today!!! Granted, I believe that he tries to send me messages EVERY day, but today's message was particularly abundant.

Lately, I have been having a lot of trouble staying asleep. I can fall asleep JUST fine, but I awake every few hours, which is resulting in some VERY inconsistent and disturbed sleep! There is just a lot of anxiety that builds up for me, and I am deathly afraid that I am going to miss my alarm, and be late for whatever it is I have on my schedule for that day, so I am just always "On Alert". I have decided that there is a pretty good chance that it is connected to the fact that after my alarm goes off at 6am I always drift back to sleep... without an alarm. So, this week, I have decided to try something new and NOT allow myself to go back to sleep after my alarm goes off. In fact, I am trying to get into the habit of checking my email, checking my daily meditation app, and then reading a story from the Big Book.

Today's story had a lot of messages that I felt were pertinent, but the most important one for me was understanding "The great obsession of every abnormal drinker (eater) being to somehow, someday control and enjoy his drinking (eating)" (pg. 334) When I try to control what I eat, whether it be by restricting calories, only eating "safe" foods, trying to find the perfect balance of food... I am miserable. I feel like I am not living, and that every decision is pain staking and I cant just enjoy my being. I'm too worried about doing everything perfectly so that I don't magically put on 100 lbs. overnight. But when I try to just enjoy the foods that I know can be dangerous for me... I completely lose control. I cant have just one cookie, or just a bite of wedding cake, or the frosting off of a really delicious looking cupcake... I want and need more! I am a Compulsive Overeater and Bulimic and I can not eat like a lady around those foods.

So where is the happy medium?! How do I learn to genuinely enjoy foods and not be consumed by the fear of losing control?!  (Is that the term BALANCE I hear?!?!)

I don't complete have the answer yet, but I think that part of the solution is to start trying new food combinations, and seeing what works for me. So that is what I tried to do today. I switched up my breakfast (I had waffles and Greek yogurt... I usually have egg whites and avocado with a Mediterranean flat bread)., got creative with my snacks and dinner (100 calorie bag of kettle korn and an apple instead of grapes and string cheese). I also added a piece of whole wheat toast to my lunch.  Overall... I think I should have kept it a little safer today. Making one change is not a bad thing, but having more than one got a little overwhelming for me :/

Although I'm doing pretty overall with adding more food to my diet... I still feel very uncomfortable feeling full for most of the day, and ESPECIALLY trying to keep to a schedule. I was not hungry for my snack, and i wasn't even really hungry at dinner. In fact, I didn't finish my dinner. I just felt too full, and as if I had eaten way too much food today. I know it is going to take time for my body to normalize to the amount of food I am eating, but I still have a genuine fear of gaining weight that I need to be conscious of. I was beginning to get a little calorie obsessed, so I had to delete the lose it app from my phone. This is not about calories... it is about trust my body, and the natural science behind fueling my body. So... one thing at a time. Tomorrow I will go back to a more "normal" food menu and see how it works for me :)

In the Process, I found Fooducate it is a website that rates foods, and helps you to properly figure out what is in your food. There is a section where you can edit the type of information that you want it to present for you (Vegetarian, Non-GMO, Heart Healthy, etc.) but it DOES not calculate calories :) So for now... it is my new addiction!

But my day was not just about the food. I actually had a really great run this morning, I had some good time with my client's and colleagues at internship today, and even spent a little quality time with Mom's :) AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO TAKE A NAP!!!

I also had a lot of good messages at my OA meeting tonight. The leader was someone famous, and he had a lot of wonderful wisdom to share. Though our readings I was able to look at how I viewed foods and take a new outlook on them. for most events or holidays, I always use to most look forward to the food that was going to be served. For example, a wedding. I'm not going for the ceremony, I'm going for the awesome buffet, the free champagne, and the open dessert bar! But, with more time abstinent, I am able to find the true joy in things like that, and slowly, stop focusing on the food.

Some other fun things I took from the meeting were "Learning to life life on Life's terms" (there's that control theme again), and as is always reaffirmed...

 "The pain we experience when we feel our feelings is much less than the pain we create by overeating". I feel like I ALWAYS forget this one... and I shouldn't. I'm going to have to keep that one for when I'm having a not so fabulous day!

It's getting late, so I think it is time for my AEIOU's!

A- Yes :)
E- ran 6.13 miles (51 minutes)
I- I had the snacks that I wanted, I opened up my heart and my mind), I started my day with a story from the Big Book, I shared at a meeting, I prepared my food for the next day
O- I consoled a friend going through a hard time, I thanked the leader at the meeting, I helped a client explore options
U- I uncovered a lot today, but most importantly I uncovered that my Abstinence is a tool and not a goal. If I try to treat my abstinence like I will eventually earn a Gold Medal in OA... then I will never be able to find true recovery. Recovery is a process, and abstaining from my unhealthy behaviors (binging and purging/keeping my food) is going to help me attain that mental, physical and spiritual recovery.

See you tomorrow :)

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