Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Summer Vacation... Sorta

Hello! Long time no talk! Sorry I haven't been updating, surprisingly my break has been CRAAAAZY!!! I don't know that I've even had much of a break :/

Friday/Saturday: Allison and I were in Temecula in order to run the SoCal Women's Wine Half Marathon. It was an interesting trip. It took us 4 hours to get there (it's only 2 hours away...). Allison choose to run the 5k instead of the Half (She's having issues with her hip), but i still choose to do the Half. So, after the first half mile, apparently every girl went the wrong direction. Essentially, I  (and all the other women) went about 5 miles off the course :( However, we still got to compete. They just adjusted the course. I still managed to run 14.1 miles of CRAZY rolling hills, steep slants, and dirt EVERYWHERE... I made it.


We came home, I had a flat tire.... BUMMER.. I fixed it, I FINALLY got to shower and eat some dinner to Celebrate Tyler's graduation (no pictures).

Sunday: Father's day. I didn't do much. Went to target, had coffee with my friend Rachel and then went to dinner with my family. I really wanted to eat in, but they were NOT having it! I had a mini melt down about having to go have Mexican Food... and then sucked it up.

Monday: I worked all day, turned in my Mental Health stipend application, went for a run, and then hit up a meeting! it was EXHAUSTING!

And Here I am at TODAY:

Abstinent: Yes (Day 72!) and Sober with my Food  (Day 8)

E- I went to Zumba!!!! (Totally realized half way through the class that my pants were on inside out!!!)

I- Began my day with reading and For Today Went to a 7am meeting, shared, took another timer commitment, got a pedicure with my mom, met with my new therapist, enjoyed an afternoon with an old friend, took a Zumba class, and paid for a 10 class card, Fed myself balanced meals, made two outreach calls and several texts, bought some new running music

O- Encouraged a new comer to keep coming back, took a fellows phone number, encouraged a girl in Zumba to keep on trying, normalized a fellows feelings, Helped a fellow who binged and purged today and does not have a supportive sponsor.

U- Being in a state of powerlessness is one of the most humbling and rewarding places to be. Without it, I am not able to move forward, or be of service to others. Without it I am still stuck in the disease: Blind to the beauty of reality surrounding me. With it, I am invincible, and get to be part of an amazing support team like no other.

Ok... I'm exhausted and REALLY want to go to bed :)

I'll write more tomorrow.

Friday, June 14, 2013

67 Days of Abstinence

Good Morning, Beautiful People!

I was way too tired to update last night when I got home, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't get an update on my progress.

Yesterday I took a chip for my 60 days of abstinence!!!


Well, It was really my 67th day of abstinence... But I did not go to a meeting at all last week because of finals, so I just got to take it last night. I wasn't expecting it, but I was REALLY excited. There was a lot of good energy in the room (and 4 birthdays... including my Sponsors!!!).. so I guess I was able to just feel excited about it :)

I have had a very interesting journey with my abstinence. I went from loving it, to hating it, to abusing it, to pushing the limits DANGEROUSLY far... and today I am in acceptance of it.

When I took my 30 day chip, I was overly focused on all the things that my abstinence WASN'T, and all the things I hadn't yet achieved. At day 67, I am able to look at all the things I DON'T do anymore.

1. I don't throw up every night
2. I don't stop at stores, gas stations and 7-11's on my way home to buy random foods and scarf them down in my car before I get home.
3. I don't stop at Drive thru's and order enough food to feed 3 people
4. I express my feelings when they are making me upset, sad, angry, lovey dovey.. etc. and I don't allow myself to feel bad about it!

I still have a lot of progress to make, but hey! It's progress not perfection ;) Now that I am on summer break, I am trying to get into a new routine. I am going to start my morning with reading and mediation/prayer. The readings will be For Today, a passage on acceptance from the Big Book (pg. 416) and the script on Recovery from Carolyn Costin on Recovery. My goal is to try and do this EVERY SINGLE MORNING for two weeks. Today was day 2 :)

Anyways... I'm going to be going to Temecula with my best friend, Allison, today. We're walking a half marathon together tomorrow morning and getting to spend some good quality time together! I know it is going to be WONDERFUL! But before I do that, I still have to pack, and I want to get in a short run this morning. So, I'm just going to give you my AEIOU's from yesterday. I will be taking my lap top with me, but I don't think I'll have Internet... so I will update you when I can.

A-Yes, and Sober with my food for the 3rd day in a row :)
Breakfast: Mediterranean Egg White omelet (sun dried tomatoes, feta cheese, olives... yum) with avocado, salsa and hot sauce on Flat bread with a side of grapes and strawberries
Snack 1: Starbucks Skinny vanilla latte and a banana
Lunch: Oatmeal with trader Joe's Breakfast trail mix
Dinner: Veggie burger on a sandwich think with rice and steamed veggies with cilantro dressing and hot sauce
Snack2: Greek Yogurt

E- hiked 4 miles (1:10), 30 minute walk with my man

I- began my day with reading and prayer, enjoyed family and friends,   bought some new summer duds, went to a meeting, took my 60 day chip, spoke honestly about my feelings, gave away my food history

O- checked in on two fellows, thanked the speaker, gave my mom a ride, made Tyler dinner

U- I really did have to let go of purging in its own to see how powerless I am over food.

Have a Beautiful Day!!!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Checking In!

And the award for WORST blog updater goes tooooooooo.......................

I'm hoping you'll hate me less with a cute pug in my arms!
Fun Fact: It is exactly 1 month until my 27th Birthday!!!!!

Well, I am PLEASED to report that I am officially done with my first year of GRADUATE SCHOOL!!! I managed to survive the hell that was Finals Day, and am ready to move forward in life. Since dealing with the stress of finals, I have managed to get myself back on the sober track :) Today is my 3rd day being sober with my food, and I am SO GRATEFUL for the ability to do so. I am at day 67 with my abstinence though!!! Which is pretty awesome. I haven't thrown up in over 67 days... that's a flippin miracle and I am proud to report it :) I didn't go to any meetings last week, so I get to take my 60 day chip at tomorrow nights meeting :) I'm very excited about this. It should be awesome.

I've had a lot of good things happen in the last week since I posted, and many things to be grateful for!

1. I was nominated for and awarded a $3750 fellowship at school! It's really nice to be recognized by faculty and be rewarded for my hard work... even if I don't think I deserve it (somebody did). Even better, was a very good friend of mine also earned the award!!! We both have mental health issues, so it made it seem even more special (me with my ED and her with her OCD). There was a fun dinner event and EVERYTHING that i took my mom to. She was the only parent there, but I'm really glad I had her with me.

2. I am going to be spending my 2nd Year Internship at the San Fernando Valley Mental Health Center!!! This was my top choice, and I am so blessed to be getting this opportunity. I really did not think it was going to work out the way I wanted it to, so I surprised and Grateful!!

3. I made it through 67 days of abstinence! I rock!

I'm sure there was a lot more, but that's all I can recall right now. I am now applying for a new job working with foster youth and will be applying for another fellowship in the next two weeks, so please send some good vibes my way.

OK. Here is the good stuff for the day

A- Yes. And sober with my food
Breakfast: Egg whites and 1 yolk, kale, mushrooms, salsa, organic waffles with peanut butter and banana
Snack: Pear and chocolate milk
Lunch: Vegetarian Gyro (1 cup mixed beans, feta cheese, salad mix, avocado, black olives and gherkin pickles) 2 baby apricots
Snack: Greek yogurt with granola
Dinner: Sausage, veggies and potatoes with corn Chile salsa

E- Ran 5 miles (48 minutes), walked for 5, cleaned my ENTIRE kitchen (while dancing to music : D ), 2 loads of towels!

I-  Began my day with For Today, and another reading, Spent the day with my best friend running errands, ate my breakfast outside :), enjoyed easing in to my day, Didn't get upset that I didn't clean my room today, went to a meeting, made plans for a hike with a friend tomorrow

O- Lent money to a friend, checked in on two fellows, cleaned my kitchen for my family, made my step dad lunch for tomorrow :)

U- I am making a commitment to be good to myself, which includes eating well-balanced and abstinent meals, expressing my feelings readily, making time each morning for meditation, prayer and/or reading, an regularly attending OA meetings. I am redefining my standards for myself, and will aim for PROGRESS not PERFECTION. Today, I feel good about myself (Abstinence, pg. 158)

Have a Peaceful Night

Monday, June 3, 2013

My Reason for Living

Today was a GREAT day... although not very productive :/ In fact, I just decided two hours ago that I am changing the topic of my paper that is due on Thursday (Yikes!), so now any of the little work I DID do... is null and void.

I don't know how you feel, but I liked the way I did my AEIOU's yesterday, so I am going to do it again... because I like it :)

Abstinence- Yes. and sober with my food

Breakfast: 1/2 cup oats with berries and banana, 3 egg whites and 1 yolk, kale, mushrooms, salsa, black olives and avocado
Lunch: Homemade Vegetarian Soup with Feta cheese
Snack: Greek Yogurt parfait- Plain yogurt, Cheerio's Medley cereal, almonds, homemade applesauce and a couple cherries (aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh mazing!!!!!!!!)
Dinner: Veggie Burger on flatbread with grilled veggies

Exercise: I was extremely blessed to be given the gift of another overcast and chilly morning. This is my absolute favorite weather to run in, and it made for a blissful 6.11 mile run this morning. I'm still "breaking in" my new Brooks Ravenna 4's... and they were a little uncomfortable today. I think i am going to try putting my athletic inserts in to see if it provides more cushioning for my feet.

What I did for myself: I woke up and read some literature, I "lazied" around, I did not compulsively buy EVERYTHING cute at target, I went to a meeting. I

What I did for Others: I took my mom for her surgery at 5:30am this morning. I held her hand while they inserted the needle into her port, and reassured her that everything would be OK when she cried. I sat with her until she was taken to be anesthetized. I checked in on two fellows, I was present for a fellow after the meeting and made some solid suggestions.

What did I Uncover: Food is a life source, and not my reason for living. While I was running, I had a very interesting meditation come to my mind about how I view food. I suppose it turned into more a mantra that I kept repeating, but it feel very liberating to have these thoughts:

Food is not a reward for doing something good and it is not a punishment for not being a "perfect" human being. Food is neither my friend when I feel I have no one else to turn to, or my enemy in times of anger and frustration. Food can not provide me with comfort when I am hurt or sad and it is not the solution to any of my problems. Food is not something to hate, or love to fear or worship. I does not understand my problems and can not empathize with my feelings. Food can not Food is fuel. Food is a nutritious substance that is consumed in order to sustain life, provide energy and  promote growth. 
Food is a life source, and not my reason for living.

I may not be completely convinced of this yet, but it is the truth. I have been using food to serve functions that it is not meant to serve. Reminding myself of this is the only way that I am going to learn how to properly use it, and not abuse it.

What a day! Now time to keep it going :) Good night!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Sobriety: Day 1

Today was a Good day. I'll tell you about it through my AEIOU's

Abstinence: I was abstinent today, and I made it through the day Sober with my food.
I ate eggs and oats with a banana for breakfast, had a good Tofurkey sandwich on flatbread for lunch with an apple and made a delicious dinner of a sweet potato, grilled veggies and vegetarian sausage. I also had a Greek yogurt as a snack while dinner was cooking. Today is the first day I've REALLY been sober with my food all week. I'm grateful for this gift today.

Exercise: I woke up and went for a run today... I've been avoiding it since Wednesday. It was an extremely slow run (about a minute slower than my usual time), but it felt good. I didn't go run until about 8:30, but it was just getting warm as I was finishing. So cal summer weather is beginning to be in full swing, and I am not going to be able to sleep in that late all too often.

What I did for myself: I really allowed today to be a self-care day. I slept in a little (6 o clock felt too early). I listened to my body for when it was hungry, tired, needed a break, wasn't feeling right. I worked on my school paper (even though I REALLY didn't want to), I checked in with my sponsor and was honest about not wanting to stop working out. I went to a wonderful meeting at 5pm that I really needed to be at.

What I did for Others :I shared a message I heard with a fellow and my sponsor. I thanked the meeting speaker for their share.

What did I Uncover: I uncovered three important messages today at the meeting.

1. I miss waking up and looking forward to eating my breakfast. Almost everyday I make the same thing for breakfast: 3 egg whites with kale, mushrooms, salsa, avocado, flatbread and fruit. Because I have been spending most of my nights binging.... I don't look forward to breakfast anymore. When I wake up, I feel full, bloated, gross and I usually am craving a bunch of sugary carbs! Not my delicious, healthy protein and grains :(. I want to enjoy my breakfast again, which means I have to give up binging late at night.

2.My feelings are like a volcano. They build up and start to get close to the top, which is when I begin to use my bulimia and my binging to cap it off. As long as I eat, or throw up, or over exercise my feelings are unable to be released. As soon as I STOP engaging in these behaviors my feelings ERUPT in an uncontrollable mess that will not stop until everything in its path is destructed.

3. My HP is looking down on me, watching, and hoping for me to finish everyday successfully. She cheers for me when I got to be abstinent and sober, and she cries for me when I return to hurting myself with the food. She loves me unconditionally, has no agenda for me and wants nothing but for me to live happy, joyous, and free. I am tired of hurting my HP, and want all the same things for myself that she wants for me.

Tomorrow is going to be a very long day, but I am going to go into it abstinent and sober. My mother is having her last surgery, and I need to be present for her tomorrow.

Have a Peaceful Monday!