Today has been a sorta rough day. I'm still having a lot of trouble sleeping so I have been very exhausted. I think tonight I am going to take a sleep aid to see if that helps, because I cant keep feeling this sluggish. But, that did not stop me from having an AMAZING run this morning. I'm not sure if it was the "rest day" that I had yesterday, the pasta dinner I ate last night or the honey I added to my 1/2 a banana this morning (or the combination of all 3) but I had the best avg pacel and lap times that I have had in FOREVER during my 6 mile run this morning. Granted, I got a little tired by the time I hit mile 5, but I still kept up and amazing pace! Check out my splits!!!!!:
I haven't ever run that fast off of a treadmill!!!
This was not the only thing occuppying my thoughts today. Lately, I have been obsessing A LOT over my meal plans. I find my self spending hours out of the day trying to "perfectly" plan my foods and make they fit ever so. Not only that, but all I concern myself with all day is when I am going to eat next, whether or not I am going to be hungry? (really, Christina, You're ALWAYS hungry!!!!) if I wait too long... does that mean I am restricting? Is it the right amount of food, are the calories right?! Is the balance of protein, carbs and fats right?!? Literally HOURS out of my day. I know I mentioned it yesterday during my AEIOU's, but I am really getting concerned that I am losing out on all of the things that life has to offer because I am so preoccupied with food. I keep looking up recipies, "pre and post workout" snacks for runners, recepies (that I know I am NEVER going to make), using Fooducate to give me the grade of my food items to make sure I am making the "BEST" choice for me, calorie counting....and anything to keep me over involved in my food plan. I am still getting really hung up on the "timing" of my meals... because I am not always hungry when i am suppose to eat, or I am not in a place where I can eat like a lady. I know I'm not going to be perect right now, and the nutritionist just suggested that I do what works for me. I might be sending her an email tomorrow to set up an appointment with her next week. I have some portion questions for her, and want to see if she has any other suggestions.
I know I am still in the beginning of my recovery, and that I need to be much more gentle with myself, but I am just sooooo afraid of gaining weight. I am afraid that eating this amount of food is going to make me gain weight. I realize that I need to give up the control that I am holding onto over this, or I am not going to actually recover... but hey ONE DAY AT A TIME! I am just not ready to give over this control and obsession over to God JUST yet.
Anyways... I went to a meeting tonight and met the most AMAZING woman who has over 26 years of abstinence in program. She has everything I want, and i literally hung off of every word she said. She spoke about being able to be nonjudgmental, having a good life, with valuable relationships and a genuine happiness towards life.l. all the things that I want to eventually achieve. I stuck around for a bit to get her number and talk to her about how to build a relationship with my Higher Power, and her suggestion was to just say one prayer everyday and slowly, but gradually let it grow. She said a lot more, but that was the gist. I also feel like this summed up her message....:
She spent most of her young life overweight, which is something I really relate to. It is really difficult to grow up having a very insecure sense of yourself. I have very vivid memories of being a kid just completely submersed in food. I had a giant recliner in the back room of my grandmothers house that I would just crawl in to and become invisible to the rest of the world. Most of my afternoons were spent sitting in front of a television with a TV tray eating snack after snack after snack. Sometimes I would do homework, or go play with the neighbor kids... but most of the time, I could not wait to go home and get to that chair. Most of the time I didn't even have to go to the kitchen and get it, my grandmother would just bring them to me. I can remember being made fun of, teased, and having horrible things said about me behind my back and to my face, which always made me feel like I was less than. I suppose thats why I now feel like I have something to prove to the world. My perfectionist tendencies, my constant drive to be better, do better and become better and always feeling like I am just not good enough... no matter how many people (including myself) tell me differently. And it just becomes painful and discomforting.
So for today, I will accept the fact that I am STILL a Compulsive Overeater and there are just certain things my vulnerable self still have a large control over. But, I know that as long as I keep making the right choices (even if I don't want to) that eventually my healthy self will will become stronger and start having the louder voice in my head!
Anywhoo, I still have some reading to do for class tomorrow, so I am going to close this with my AEIOU's for day :) I am also going to start adding my food plan... because WHY NOT?!?!