Not bad, not good, but strange. I have gotten in to this habit of being "Over the Moon" during the day, and becoming very complacent, sullen, and lethargic in the evenings. Since I am usually a night binger, I am assuming that it is probably just related to that... but it makes my days very confusing and EXHAUSTING!!!
Today was the first day of Spring Quarter, and it was so exciting!!! I haven't been this excited for school since.... Lord knows when. I only had one class today from 9-11:50am and it is the final course in my direct practice class. My professor is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. Her Aura was screaming serenity, wisdom and calm... everything I want in my own life. Today's discussion was about Termination of therapy, a generally sullen topic, but she made it interesting, exciting and even encouraged me to come home and do my reading (something that I NEVER do). I'm really excited for what the rest of this class has in store for me.
I'm going to tell you the rest of my day through my AEIOU's
A- I am abstinent yet again :) Although I was not able to get to a meeting :/. I attempted to get to one at 6:30pm that I "conveniently" forgot was relocated (I read the sign yesterday and actually forgot about it until I got to the meeting. I was then going to try and go to a meeting in Simi Valley, but traffic was running very slow, and I was having difficulty getting there. I eventually just decided to give up and come home. To be honest... I do not think that I was in the mood for a meeting today. It has been difficult for me to find a good Tuesday meeting, so I usually go in to it with some resistance. Normally I would get really upset and take the "Fuck It" attitude and have come home and binge. But today, I know that I do not need to do that. I have been to plenty of meetings, and will have plenty of opportunity to go to more over the next few days and feel strong in my abstinence today. There are going to be days when I can not get to a meeting, and I can not allow that be an excuse for me to eat.
E- I had a really good gym work out today after class. I did 20 minutes on the rowing machine, and then ran 4.1 miles on the treadmill. I did speedwork and alternated between 7.3 and 8.0 on the treadmill. I ramped it up from the 7.2 that I usually do. It felt comfortable, but like I was doing more work than usual. I was feeling very strong and also did some pushups and sit ups at the end. There were lots of opportunity for me to walk around campus, and go up and down stairs as opposed to using the elevator, and I took nearly all of them.
I- Today was a really good day for me. I gave my self the gift of buying a yoga pass from school so that I can take yoga with a friend, I took care of my health and went to the Dr.'s and got a Hep B vaccine shot, and I enjoyed skipping a meeting and relaxing at home with my family. Most importantly, I allowed myself to feel comfortable in my own skin today. After my doctor's appointment I stayed on campus sitting in the sun with my best friend Karla. We laid and rolled in the grass, and I allowed her to take goofy pictures of me. Normally I would fight off the camera, but today I genuinely enjoyed myself laughing and acting like a little girl who did not believe that there was anything wrong with her as she is.
O- Today was somewhat of a selfish day for me, but I did manage to do something for someone else. I accompanied my friend Tristian to the gym, I went out of my way to make my friend Karla laugh, I reached out to a fellow who I met on Saturday and was able to be present for her and offer her a new way to look at her rocky history with recovery. I surprised my grandparents just to say hello :). And I checked in on two friends of mine just to see how their days were going.
U- I have been thinking about this for a couple of hours now.. and to be honest, I am not sure what I uncovered. I shamefully did not do any literature reading like I should have. The last couple of days I have been messing around with my food (not so much what I am eating, but when I am eating it) and I have found that when I intuitively listen to my body, I am more likely to feel satisfied without feeling overly full or starved. I am starting to become better at recognizing my hunger signals without relying on a clock and feel much more relaxed about my choices. When i leave it up to my Higher Power he is a much better indicator than my watch.
OK... It's time to grab my last snack before doing more school reading and going to bed. Take care.