|Yes... I know I need a pedicure... thanks for noticing!!!|
A midst all my drama over my shin splints
I was really ambivalent about taking a chip for this abstinence, because I don't really feel as though I deserve it.I am, admittedly, ashamed of my abstinence. It is not what I WANT it to be. Like everything else in my life I WANT my abstinence to be complicated and require a lot of explanation and be so impressive to other people when I talk about it (this way, I always had a reason to binge/purge).
I WANT my abstinence to be: No binging, No purging. 3 meals and 3 snacks (one optional). I WANT my abstinence to be something that is completely unreasonable for me at this point. One day, my abstinence will be this... but for today my abstinence is that I have to keep what I eat. So, being that I spent the weekend and the beginning of the week binging, I did not feel that I deserved to take a chip.
The meditation for yesterday reminded that I have to be willing to let go of what I WANT, so that God can give me what I NEED! The trust is that No binging, no purging is NOT my abstinence yet, and there is a perfectly good reason for that. I have to learn to KEEP IT SIMPLE and be compassionate and forgiving towards myself. If that means that the first few months in my recovery can ONLY be with the purging... then that is where it needs to stay. After a lot of thought, I'm really happy that I took my chip, and I am proud that I have made the progress that I have and I am hopeful that in my own way, I will continue to make progress!
I have already put my 60th day in my calendar so I can just focus on recovery and life and not the days :)
I'm starting to feel a binge coming on so I'm going to do my AEIOU's and try to go to bed.
A- Yes :)
E- 19 minutes running (1.9miles) 36 minutes bike (10.02miles)
I- listened to my body, fueled myself appropriately, Took my 30 day chip!!! Got a new number (haven't done that in awhile)
O - I gave out a LOT of hugs today!!! Shared my Hope with a new comer, made outreach calls
U- My abstinence and my progress is something to be proud of, not ashamed of. I have come along way by being willing to turn over something to God (no matter how small).