Thursday, May 9, 2013

Forced Break...


I need to write about this right now, because I'm feeling really overwhelmed by the sense of powerlessness I am feeling. I know I wrote yesterday about the fact that I wasn't able to complete my run because I began to get intense cramping in my calves and sharp shooting pains in my shins (shin splints... I'm assuming). At first I thought that I might be able to push through it, but by the time I hit mile 1.5 it became absolutely unbearable. I pushed it for as long as I could and finally realized that all I was going to do cause more harm that do good and hit the stop button on the machine (much against my will).

I almost immediately burst in to tears. I wish I could say that my tears were due to the physical pain... but they weren't. All I can imagine is that I am never going to be able to run again. Envisioning all of my upcoming races going out the window, all the dollar signs wasted, the hours of training for NOTHING, and me... sitting on my ass, getting fatter by the minute. I JUST WANT TO BREAK A SWEAT!!!!!!!

I feel extremely guilty. The last time I really ran was Friday right before I decided to check out of life and selfishly decided to binge instead of taking care of myself. I bowed out of Sunday and Monday and have now been forced out of running for the last two days. I feel like I brought this on myself. My selfish, slovenly "vacation" from life has now led to a forced "break". I, single handedly have caused my own pain and suffering. I know that this is not true, but it was the immediate feeling I had.

Not being able to run induces a lot of fear in me, because it has a lot of untrue meaning behind it.It means that I cannot undo the damage that I have been doing to my body all week. It means that I am going to get fat, it means that I need to restrict my food intake in order to compensate, it means that my life has no meaning, it means that I am weak, and most importantly that I am not PERFECT!!!

I automatically wanted to go to the food when I stopped. if I cant work out the way I WANT to, then why try being healthy at all?!?!The food is not worth compromising my health over. If I fuel myself with junk, I am going to see the effects in my training. So, I am going to create a recovery plan for myself

1. I am not going to run if I feel pain in my shins
2. I am going to start icing my shins at night and in the morning if necessary
3. Will take meds if necessary
4. Stick to the bike for now if I NEED to work out
5. Be compassionate about the fact that I need to take a break right now
6. BUY NEW SHOES this weekend :)

Time to get out of Self-Pity Mode...which means its time for GRATITUDE!!!

1. My willingness to heal myself mentally and physically
2. My mother's continued healing 
3. I get to take a 30 day chip at my favorite meeting tonight 
4. The ability to walk 
5. That I have a HP in my life 
6. That I have friends who make me laugh when I want to do is cry 
7. That I can be of service 8. That I live in Southern California with perfect weather 
9. I am A Bruin! 
10. Vending machine coffee that costs a dollar

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