Thursday, May 2, 2013

Think. Pray. Act.

Today has been somewhat of a long and complicated day. Long in the sense that I did not sleep well, and I have been on the go since 6am... complicated in the sense that I really do just tend to make things much for difficult for myself. Such is the nature of my disease. I have a lot of things I want to talk about, but I am really tired so I am only going to pick ONE topic, and then do my AEIOU's so that I can go to sleep.

One of my best friends in the whole entire world (I only have 3) is going through a really rough time right now. She lost a family member in a tragic and freak accident and her supervisior (who has the professionalism of a band of monkeys) has practically retraumatized her by being one of the most insensitive and incorrigable people on the face of the planet. Let me follow this up by saying that this supervisor has a history of acting this way, and has built a HORRIBLE reputation with me... a woman whom she has NEVER MET!!! I did not even know that it was possible to have such strong negative feelings about someone and have absolutely no idea what they look like. More important than my ill feelings (notice how hard I am working to not use the word "H" word in collaboration with my May Goals), is the fact that my best friend, whom I would take a bullet for, is hurting physically and emotionally right now, and I am not able to be there for her in the way that I want to be there for her.

My immediate response was to tell her to put in her two weeks notice with her job, and that I would pay her whatever she would have been making at her job to come keep my mother company and help her. I was (and still am) ready to empty out my bank account so that my friend does not have to suffer unnecessarily any longer under the power of her supervisor. When I ended the conversation with my friend, I found myself really wanting to go to the food. My vulnerable voice kept trying to convince me that I hadn't eaten enough protein or fats today and that I needed to add more to my oatmeal, and then I could not choose an evening snack to save my life. None of the choices I was making were safe ones, and I knew would only lead to a binge and potential purge session.

When I took a step back and thought about why I was willing to start pushing the boundaries on my abstinence, I realized its because my idea of "helping" my friend is solving all of her problems for her in order to control the amount of pain she is feeling. I am completely out of control in the situation, I feel extremely guilty that I can not physically be present for her, and I am uncomfortable with anyone... especially the person I care about feeling hurt. Also I am PISSED at her supervisor for being such a horrible person, and there is NOTHING I can do about that either....

I feel powerless, helpless and like I am a horrible friend. But what I have to remember is that it is not my responsibility to solve her problems for her. It's not even HER responsibility. This is something that I have to let God do for me... because I can not. So I am going to openly give this one over to my Higher Power and let him take the wheel. I am going to be there for my best friend the only way I know how. To call her, talk to her, offer her active listening and not advice, love her unconditionally and to make her laugh as much as possible!!! My gift is the gift of laughter... and MAN am I good at it.

So that is all I have to say on that.

A- Yes... by the Grace of my Higher Power
E- ran 4.25miles (34minutes) , rowed 2000m (12 minutes) , walked .5 miles briskly (6 minutes) and did some abs and push ups. (total of an hour long work out)
I- I vented (honestly) about things that were bothering me, I opened myself up to learning new things, I accepted the fact that I am powerless over the pain of my best friend, I gave over the ability to solve her problems to my Higher Power (for he can do for me what I can not do for myself.
O- Shared my gift of fellowship with a friend who is struggling outside of the program, I was present and attentive to my best friend, I surprised my grandparents, I gave a ride home to a fellow in need, gave a short massage to a colleague just for the heck of it ;)
U- Any time that things feel out of control, or I find myself wanting to go to the food I just have to remember 3 little words; Think, Pray, Act. Think about my abstinence, and what it would mean to compromise it. Pray for the ability to get through whatever it is I am dealing with. And take Action by using any of the tools. If I find that I am still consumed by the obsession just put on repeat, trying a different action. This is a full proof plan to remaining abstinent :)

God, thank you for the gift of abstinence for yet another day. Please help me to continue by granting me acceptance of you will and way of life and continue to guide me down your path. Please continue to do for me what I am unable to do for myself. Amen

No comments:

Post a Comment