Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Heads or Tails

As I'm sure you've figured out by the lack of blogging I've been doing... I'm going through a rough time. After writing on Saturday morning, I stayed in the food, and have really been unable to see past it. I have not broken my abstinence (keeping what I eat), but I most certainly have not been living abstinently. I have not been working out, I have not been taking care of myself and I have been eating like a 400lb line backer... NOT like a lady! I have been punishing myself for being a "Horrible Person" for long enough and it is time for it today.

The last couple of days all I have wanted to do is just "Check Out" of life. I have been really overwhelmed with feelings, and just general events going on in my life and all I wanted to do was not have to deal with anything. So, I did the only thing that I know works and I turned to the food. This makes it so much easier to just not have to participate in life. All I wanted was to hide under my blanket with a box of ANYTHING and just live there in misery. I didn't want to run, I didn't want be a social worker, I just wanted to throw myself a pity party (guest list of 1) and never have to be accountable or responsible for anything ever again.

So, that's what I did for all of Monday. I stayed in bed, slept, numbed out and just kept eating. I ate to the point that I knew I wasn't going to throw up, but I just kept eating. I was physically so uncomfortable that I COULD NOT BREATHE, and all I could think about was what I hadn't gotten to eat yet (and when I would be able to eat it again). It was sick, morbid and disgusting. I finally got out of bed to take my mom to her therapy group so I had about 3 hours where I wasn't eating, but I wanted to more than anything. I went home and made myself a fair dinner and then ate some cake and ice cream and lord knows what else along with it.

Yesterday (Tuesday) was also a struggle. My alarm went off at 6 and by 7... I was still under the covers not wanting to escape my "safe" cocoon of protection from the harsh realities of the world. That I make mistakes, that I get angry, that I don't like the person I am, that shit gets hard, that I'm a horrible student, that I am unworthy of love." I can shut all of that out and not have to show up for another day. But something inside of me (what I imagine to be my "healthy" voice) meekly and ever so quietly suggested that I get up, and go to my class. After all, I really like that class, and the students in it... so why wouldn't I go?!?!

I quickly showered, threw some food together and made my way out the door. I actually made it to class on time, but was still feeling exhausted and miserable. Through all 3 hours of the class I went back and forth on whether or not I was going to participate in the rest of my plans for the day. My body was screaming, aching, for me to go back home to my cocoon. I was eating good food, but I was constantly hungry and was unable to think about anything other than eating. I decided that I could no longer safely make the decision. I was ambivalent about E

Heads: I was going to go to the gym, my meditation class and my therapy session at 3:30pm

Tails: I was going to say FUCK it, take the $20 penalty and go right on home to my bed as soon as class ended.

 I was feeling extremely ambivalent about EVERYTHING. I wanted to go to the gym, because I knew it would make me feel better, but I was really tired and didn't feel like running. I wanted to go to mediation, because it's basically a giant nap, but I also wanted to use that time to go sit in the food court and stuff my face. I wanted to go to therapy, because I knew being honest with my therapist about what was going on was going to open up some new solutions that I was unable to see at that time. Both side were pulling me pretty hard, and a coin toss seemed like the only reasonable  way to solve my dilemma.

After sending off my coin toss suggestions to a friend so that she could actually make the decision for me something hit me like a ton of bricks.... The HEADS suggestion was my Healthy voice trying to fight for me to get back on track and the TAILS suggestion was my disease or my vulnerable self trying to get me isolated, alone and miserable so that it could have every opportunity to continue to rule my life. This was not going to be the answer to my problem. So, I choose to show up for all of my appointments. I did not do them perfectly, but I showed up.

I went to the gym and rowed for 15 minutes.... hey, its a start. Then I did meditation. After that I was feeling better and tried to run... I got .6 miles in and said Fuck it.. and then spent 7 miles on the bike. (Progress not perfection). By the time I got to therapy I was feeling much better. We talked about a lot of the things I was holding on to, and why I felt I needed to place myself in such a state of discomfort and I was able to realize that it was all over that damn text message. I knew I needed to do something about it or I was literally going to eat myself to death over it.

I was going to try and get to a meeting, but that didn't quite happen. I left school late and then ended up on the wrong freeway. I went home, sent a response that needed to be sent, and then gave myself one final binge. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is...

I woke up today still feeling exhausted and unready to just right back into my role. I didn't make it up to run, and I even woke up late for my internship. I was ready to start writing my novel, Christina, the Failure: Chapter 2. As I started taking my shower I came to realization that I was just setting myself up to fail again today. I wanted to eat a crappy breakfast, not pack a lunch so that I would have to go and buy unsatisfying food and eventually lead myself to yet another night of binging. I remember what the nutritionist and the therapist said about how "Getting back on track with food was the best way to overcome an eating disorder" and I made the decision to stop the violent cycle that I was running running with.

I text my preceptor and told him that I was running a little bit late today and would be in by 9:30am (and I was). I sat and had my usual breakfast (which I hadn't had since Saturday morning), and made myself a lunch that I could be proud to eat and that I wouldn't have to go to store and purchase. I made the conscious decision to fight my disease. I decided that I was going to start writing the script of my life, and not let my disease control how this story ends. With trust in the strength of my Higher Power, I was going to fight the things that seemed too powerful to overcome on my own. I am choosing to not be a victim of my disease, but a warrior in my own recovery.

I was able to make it through internship and had plans to go for a run before going to my evening meeting. My body is not very happy with me this week. I was not able to get up and go running this morning, so I opted to try and do a nice evening run when I got home from internship. I'm REALLY not an afternoon/evening runner... but I figured I needed to make it work. It literally felt like I was running with cinder blocks on my feet. My shins were on fire, and my calves were cramping and tight. It was the most painful mile I've ever run in my entire life. I finally decided to stop and just walk back home. I know that I haven't been treating my body the right way lately, and this was a big wake up call that I need to get back on track. I spent the rest of the evening doing light chores and stretching. We will try again tomorrow :(

Going to a meeting really helped me today. I didn't realize until I was talking to someone that I hadn't been to a meeting since THURSDAY!!! I haven't gone that long without a meeting since I started program. It always helps to ground me, and I'm really happy that I made it the one tonight. I found a lot of good from this meeting like:
- My abstinence has to have a separate life from everything else. It is separate from the emotions, separate from the people places and things that can influence me and it its own entity. This allows for there to be no confusion when it comes to the feelings and my abstinence
- Keep it simple. You're abstinence should be something that you can do for the rest of your life, anywhere at any time. This is the only way to have success. It has to be something that can last me the rest of my life and in any situation. For me right now that is: I will keep what I eat. My loose food plan is 3 meals and 3 snacks (1 optional for long run days). I realize that my food plan and my abstinence are also separate things... but I feel that I am ready to add this to my program. 

I feel strong about going to bed tonight and am happy that I have managed to pull off the "evil voice" headphones and could leave a healthy life for me today.

For Today: I have complete fate that, as I turn over what I want, God will give me what I need!

A- Yes! I have kept what I ate for 31 days :)
E- Tried to run 5 miles... got 2.15 in 26 minutes. Listened to my body when I started to have really bad shin and calf pains :(
I- I had compassion for myself. I got myself back on track. I choose to stick to my routine and go to internship late instead of setting myself up for failure and being on time. I let go of the anger and upset I was holding on to. I took the time to be with a good friend of mine. I listened to my body.
O- I reached out to a fellow who needed it (not knowing that she did), I spoke to a newcomer. I helped two of my clients. I helped my friend see that she is not alone.
U- My abstinence has to be separate from everything else in life. I can choose to either be a victim of my disease or the Warrior in my recovery. If I suit up and show up, God will take care of the things I need.

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