I feel like CRAP today!!! I woke up with a tickle in my throat that has now transitioned into a REALLY annoying runny nose. I keep telling myself that it is "Just Sinuses" because I have a Half Marathon on Sunday!!! I really don't want to miss this race, but if this progresses any more... I am going to have to bail out :(. My plan is to rest up tonight when I get home and see how I feel in the morning before driving to Ventura to pick up my bib. I'm praying to the race Gods that this is just a mild issue that will magically resolve itself by then. A girl can dream, can't she?!?!
I had group therapy today, and it was acutally a PERFECT topic/theme for what I have been struggling with this week. Normally we just go over the goals we had set for the Week and end up talking about issues we're having, but instead the facilitator brought in an exercise on the Family System (Oh Joy). It basically asked us to look at our role within our families (however we define that) and see what function our ED is playing in helping us maintain that role.
As I mentioned the other day, struggling with some feelings I am having towards my mother. Thankfully I have not been eating over the issue, but I know it is something that I have done very viciously in the past. I kept meaning to write about it... but I have been so preoccupied with school that I hadn't really had a moment to process what has been going on. Well, today I got that chance!
My mother is a wonderful and caring person. Growing up I watched her play the role of the single parent so heroically, that I always use to wish that I could grow up to be just like her. I thought that she was brave, fearless and strong... and she showed me that anything is possible as long as you don't let the bullshit drag you down. Being that I was her only child she pretty much spoiled me rotten and showed me nothing but PURE and unconditional love. I was never left wanting for more. We were always very close, and for a good period of time, she was my best friend. Growing up, we did EVERYTHING together. We would spend time together watching TV in bed, we always ate dinner together, we both have a shopping addiction and she was a volunteer co-leader for all of my girl scout troops. She attended every soccer game I played, ever choir concert I sang in, every stage show that I preformed in (even when I was just an ensemble member) and was always a chaperone for school trips. I could talk to my mom about EVERYTHING. School, boys, sex, relationship (yes those are 3 different things), work, you name it... me and my mom discussed it. She always made me feel heard and that my thoughts mattered. I still, to this day, talk to my mother daily... and not just because I live in her house. I did the same thing when I lived in Riverside too. Sure, we had our disagreement on some things, but most of the time we got along just fine.
This was also probably because our main interest that we shared was food. We both loved to eat sweets, and big portions. It was not uncommon for us to spend an entire Saturday sitting in bed watching TV with a container of Oreo's... finishing at least one sleeve each. Second helpings were the standard, not an option and fruit and vegetables were pretty much non existent. We loved, more than anything, to go out to eat at Restaurants. We would eat Fast Food nearly at least a couple times a weekly, and Home Town Buffet was a frequent trip for us. Together we lived a life of unhealthy choices and no intent on changing that.
My ED has greatly changed my relationship with my mother. When I first told her about it several years ago, she blamed her self and felt as though she had made me the way I am. I tried to explain to her that this just wasn't true, but for the first time ever I became uncomfortable talking about a subject with my mom. I didn't want her to feel responsible for the binging and purging that I did. After all, it's not as if she MADE me put my fingers down my throat and vomit. To be honest, the disconnect between me and my mom began way before I "came out" to her about my ED. When I first started losing weight and exercising it changed our relationship. My mother had no interest in getting healthy, changing her eating habits or working out... but this became my LIFE. I was obsessed with losing weight, being as thin as possible... and we just sort of drifted apart. Through this drift, I began to resent my mother.
As I got thinner, she became fatter, and I became more embarrassed by her. I mean, how could she be ok wearing a 2x shirt and size 32 jeans?!?! I would have DIED. (Even typing that out hurts my heart). To think that I could have thoughts like this about the woman I loved most in life... but this was how I viewed her. I wanted her to want to be thin, like me. For the first time in my life I wanted to be ANYTHING but my Mother. There was no way that I was going to wind up at the age of 50 with so many health problems and people around me that wanted to spend time with me and I couldn't put down the damn cheese sodium and chocolate. Soon, my mom's obesity began to create lots of health complications for her. She has hypertension, diabetes, hyperthyroidsm (and now Ovarian Cancer). I became very angry with my mother... couldn't she see that she was slowly killing herself?!?! She is robbing ME of having her in my life for as long as humanly possible. Per her doctors advice and persuasion she would slowly start to change the way she was eating, but it was always inevitable that she would have cakes, cookies and Ice cream in the house at all hours of the day. The problem was she would eat one or two servings and I would inhale the rest before she ever had a chance to eat more. I began to feel resent towards her for that... because she was, unknowingly, "feeding" my addiction.
I hated myself for having these type of feelings about my mother. I was ashamed, angry, and I felt extreme guilt for having negative thoughts about the woman who had done NOTHING but love me unconditionally. I must have been the most ungrateful bitch ever known to man kind. So, I used my ED to punish myself for feeling this way about her. I used binging to help numb out my feelings or preoccupy my thoughts so that it was impossible for me to think the horrible things I thought. I purged as a way to deal with my guilt and shame. I may have wanted my mom to be another person, but I didn't have to worry about that if I was too busy feeling guilty and shameful towards myself.
For the last week I have managed to get very "sober" with my food, and have been sticking to my meal plan, and going to the gym regularly. Which means that all of my usual coping mechanism (binging and purging) are out the door right now. Lately, I have been snapping at my mom and saying some really hurtful things to her. Like, the other day she came home from a lecture at the Cancer Support Community declaring that she "Wants To Go Organic!!!". My response to her was... "Well, I'm sorry that it took getting cancer to finally get you to make some healthy decisions, but welcome to the club." Then when I came home from internship the next day I found a new container of Dryer's Ice Cream and a box of cinnamon loaf cake on the kitchen table. I became so angry, upset and disgusted.
1. It's really hard for me having those foods in the house because they're are very triggering for me
2. Because she doesn't need to be eating them with her diabetes, hypertension and all the GMO's could cause more cancerous cells in her body and the doctor keeps telling her she needs to lose weight.
All I could think was, "Well, here goes another empty promise." She asked me to go for a 30 minute walk with her, and I obliged (I will promote ANYTHING healthy in my mom's life). We had a really nice walk and as we were about to finish I brought up the new foods I found in the fridge... but in such a way that I just felt like a horrible human being: "You HAVE to stop buying that shit, Mom. What happened to going all organic?!?!? Do you know how bad all that stuff is for you?!?! If you can't stop picking up junk food every time you go to the grocery store I'm not going to allow you to go to the store by yourself anymore."
I was like a parent scolding her child for sneaking out of the house. I immediately saw in her face that I hurt her and her only reply was, "I know. I'm trying and it's going to take time" (I feel like I've had to say the same thing to Tyler on MANY occasions). I tried to apologize later, but I just felt awful.
Why am I hurting the woman who love me so much?!?!
Someone brought gourmet cupcakes the size of my head and several boxes of chocolate chip cookies to my SPC shit... BASTARDS!!! I got out of the shift without eating any, or even wanting any, but I was envisioning myself going home and binging. While I was driving home today I was rambling about all the feelings I was having to a good friend in OA. I had called her because I was thinking about binging and needed to get out of my own head ... instead she helped me uncover the missing link that I was avoiding. Me saying mean, and hurtful things to my mother is the little girl inside of me acting out. She is TERRRIFIED of losing her Mommy and she is willing to do anything to not focus on the fear. She is going to kick and scream and throw a fit (aka be mean, want to binge and take it out on everyone else) until I can show her that she is safe, and that whatever happens to her Mommy... she is going to be ok. The only way to do this is to not go to the food, and soothe her, and take care of her to prove to her that she is in good hands.
The reality is that one day my mother is going to pass away, and I am going to be left without her. But I do not have to be afraid because she raised me to be a smart, loving, and wonderful woman who can take care of herself no matter what. So For Today, I am going to take care of the frightened little girl who lives in fear of losing her mommy, and show her that it is going to be ok.
Even now, I still find myself wanting to change things about my mom. I keep hoping that my mom is going to hit "Rock Bottom" and have some big grandiose revelation and start eating healthy and running with me in the morning... the reality is... THIS WILL PROBABLY NEVER HAPPEN. And I need to learn to accept my mother EXACTLY as she is... and stop trying to control her life because I can't control mine. I need to accept her for who she is... RIGHT NOW and understand that she has her own life to live, and I can not preoccupy myself with her choices and decision. I can learn to express my concern for her in a much healthier way that does not become hurtful to her.
I'm really not feeling good, So i'm just going to do the Cliff Notes AEIOU version tonight so I can go envision taking care of my little girl.
A- Yes. Stuck to the plan I created yesterday. Here is Tomorrow's plan.
1 cup Oatmeal with almonds, coconut, honey blueberries and cherries
Skinny Vanilla Latte and Banana
Pasta, veggies and sausage
Greek yogurt with cereal and almonds
Salad with Hard boiled eggs
E- I stupidly went for a 5.4 mile run today. I also had to walk to the far vending machine for coffee
I- I prayed to my HP, read Just for Today, fed myself sober foods, Checked in when I knew things "could" get messy, reached out to a fellow when I started thinking about binging, comforted the little girl inside me
O- I text a newcomer, reached out to another fellow, spoke with 2 suicidal callers, accepted my mother for who she is right now
U- Me saying mean, and hurtful things to my mother is the little girl inside of me acting out. She is TERRRIFIED of losing her Mommy and she is willing to do anything to not focus on the fear. She is going to kick and scream and throw a fit (aka be mean, want to binge and take it out on everyone else) until I can show her that she is safe, and that whatever happens to her Mommy... she is going to be ok. The only way to do this is to not go to the food, and soothe her, and take care of her to prove to her that she is in good hands.
I'm going to go veg out with some tv and hopefully sleep until 6am tomorrow :)
Pray that I wake up feeling better than I do right now :/
God, Just for Today, please help me stay abstinent and sober with my food and give me the willingness to reach out when my desire to do this is lacking.