Wednesday, May 29, 2013

1 is 1 too many and 10,000 is never enough...

II heard this shared at a meeting tonight, and MAN is it true. There are so many foods in my life that this is true for, that's it's actually sort of scary. But sometimes I get too caught up in the CANT HAVES that I forget all about all the wonderful things I do have in life. (Is that a Gratitude list I hear coming on?!?!?!)

1. Beautiful Southern California Weather
2. A roof over my head in a quiet, safe and friendly neighborhood
3. Reliable Transportation
4. A family that is will to do anything to help support me, and almost always puts my needs first
6. Friends who are flexible and gracious enough to give me so many gifts
7. My strong voice back :)
8. That I no longer have to go to internship and can use my time freely
9. My five senses
10. A program that keeps me grounded!

I called my sponsor tonight just wanting to check in and she gave me an impromptu five minute writing assignment on: The correlation between food and Exercise:

Food is fuel to allow me to do the things I need to do in any given day. Sleep, breathe, move, sit, stand, be the daughter, girlfriend, best friends, sponsee, student and Social Worker that I need to be. Exercise is what helps keep my body and mind active. When I run, it is my time to think, and physically work out the problems that I am unable to solve while my body is at rest. Both of these things are necessary to my everyday life. When I exercise, I feel good about myself. I feel that I have accomplished something in my day and done something positive for myself. Food then becomes my reward for doing this "good deed" for my body. "Great job killing that 6 mile run, Christina!!! You are awesome, and deserve a wonderfully nutritious breakfast!!!" When I don't exercise I feel as though I haven't treated my body appropriately, and I immediately feel like, "well, you didn't exercise... so why fuel yourself with anything good?" You indulged in your laziness, so you might as well keep at it with the "bad habits". 


My relationship with food and exercise has changed a lot in just the last few months. It use to be the exercise was my punishment for binging and purging the night before. A way to physically "melt away" my shame and disgust with myself. I never felt as though I was making progress, and I just felt as though I was mediocre at best. Now, exercise is a reward for treating my body right, and almost my permission to continue to eat well. It is the only way that I can feel good about feeling hungry. Which is insane, because hunger is a natural human feeling that we all should be feeling at various times in the day!

It's a work in progress.

I still have some reading to do, and very much would like to go to sleep. I have had a very productive, and good day, and I would like to end it on that note :)

A- Yes. And I was sober with my food.
Breakfast: 3 egg whites and 1 yolk, kale and mushrooms, with salsa and avocado. 1/2 cup of oats with banana and honey
Snack 1: Nectarine and almonds
Lunch: Veggie burger on a sandwich thin with olives, feta cheese and romaine mix with mashed sweet potatoes and grilled broccoli, asparagus and cauliflower
Snack 2: chobani blueberry Greek yogurt with chia seeds, hemp seeds and walnuts (it was gross... never again)
Dinner: Home made 3 bean vegetarian soup and half a piece of flat bread with hummus

E- I ran about 5.25miles. (My watch died, so I just ran the same route I walked on Monday). I also did a lot of house cleaning (laundry, cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, cleaned my bed sheets and made the bed).

I- I moved at my own pace today. I prayed to my HP and wrote down a new daily meditation, I read Just for Today, I took my time with everything, I returned phone calls I had been avoiding, I exchanged running shoes that were too small, I went to a meeting, I checked in with my sponsor when I felt like binging, I asked if rescheduling something with friends would be possible (even though I was scared they would be mad). I started working on my paper, I did reading for class tomorrow :),

O- I spoke with two fellows, donated my old running shoes, I cleaned and did laundry for my Mom

U- There is always going to be a reason for me to go to the food (heck... I don't really need a reason). Most often it is going to be FEAR of something, and we project what we fear. I am afraid of being alone forever, so I isolate knowing that I wont ever have to be disappointing. When I am judgmental of others, it is usually because I am being very judgmental towards myself.  But my strength is going to shine through when I am able to be gentle and compassionate with myself and accepting of others. It is OK to be scared, but it is not OK to live in fear. My solution is faith... faith that WHATEVER is suppose to happen will happen. For today, I can let go of my self serving fear (I wont get what I want, how I want it, when I want) and I will open my heart to my HP's will for me.

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