Tuesday, May 28, 2013
I feel Pity... So Much Pity...
Sorry to go MIA on you guys... but it was not a pretty weekend! I went to bed friday night after bingeing on some not so pretty foods :( I woke up Saturday feeling even more congested and sicker than Friday and could not breathe! I decided that I was not going to run my race on Sunday... which was really crushing to my Ego... So I decided to pity binge/sleep/dope myself up with medications all day on Saturday and Sunday (Not a good idea/ insert lost of unnecessary foods and self pity here!). Secretly, I think I was hoping I would just wake up Monday and it would all be over..... like a bad nightmare.
Well, Monday Morning came and I decided it was time to get out of self pity mode. I took a shower, took a shower, made myself a good breakfast, went for a nice 5 mile walk, and even spent the evening catching up with a really good friend....... but THHHHHEN the food started talking to me and I gave me... #Recoveryfail
I woke up today still feeling sick, still feeling miserable and not wanting to do anything. I made it through most of my day, but then at 3:30pm (after waiting waaaaay TOO long to eat, I was craving sweets). I started with vending machine cookies (big no no) and then wanted to have a donut. Luckily for me... there were none... so I came home and just ate random foods. I didn't snap back in to reality until I realized that I was ignoring a call from my best friend in the whole world so that I could play the self pity game.... Christina Michelle... WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!
I snapped out of my food delirium and called her back right away. We talked for an hour.. I cried, she empowered me and I fessed up to the box of Graham Crackers and jar of frosting that were hiding under my bed (and still are).
I am avoiding conflict in my life like CRAZY right now... and my solution is to go to the food. However... that is NOT going to work. I just have to stop. I'm done eating for the night. I'm done pitying myself for the night, and the rest is history. I need to start putting in the footwork again...on all levels of my recovery... not just the ones that I want to work. So tomorrow is another day :)
A- Yes. But I was not sober with my food.
Snack: banana and PB
Lunch: 3 hardboiled egg whites with flatbread, string cheese, kale, mushrooms and avocado and a pear
Snack: yogurt and a package of M & M cookies
Dinner: .... i dont think it can be called a dinner.... Bagel with Cream Cheese, Veggie Straws, bowl of cereal, reminants of a PB jar, chocolate covered raisins, organic chex mix, a hershey's kiss, Bowl of turtle Ice cream,
Breakfast: Eggs, veggies, avocado and 1/2 cup of oatmeal, and Banana
Snack: Greek yogurt almonds
Lunch: Rice Veggies and Tofu
Snack: Fruit and String cheese
Dinner: Home made vegetarian soup with flatbread and Hummus :)
E- I took a 40 minute walk around campus with my friend and then did 30 minutes on the elliptical at the gym and stretching
I- I went to class, I answered my best friends call and told her how I was REALLY feeling about things going on in my life right now, I was honest with my sponsor, I went to the doctor to check on my cold (which according to him is "just bad sinuses"), I laughed with my classmate, I read "For Today", I asked God for Help, I checked my voicemail
O- I reached out to two fellows, I held the door open for someone, I cleaned out my voicemail box, I gave empathy and compassion to a fellow in need
U- I am being very resistant to change right now because I do not want to face my fears. I am afraid of failing in my recovery, so I am not giving myself the chance to succeed. I would rather avoid the conflict that comes along with change and seek "comfort" in the food. I am getting "stuck" on the negative and forgetting about all of the positives that I have in my life. Mistakes are PART of the process, not THE process. Simply because I am not perfect, does not mean that I am a failure and i can not keep beating myself up for not being "berfect". I want to push away the people that are encouraging me to grow so that I can stay where I am most comfortable (in the discomfort)... but this is a temporary feeling that I can not hold on to any longer. My name is Christina, and I am a Compulsive Overeater and my disease wants me to die sad, miserable and alone. But I want to live Happy, Joyous and Free and am willing to go to ANY lengths to get there.... Starting with the AEIOU's