Thursday, May 16, 2013

Binging over Procrastination Anxiety

Two whole grain waffles with butter, blueberries and syrup
Two pieces of cinnamon bread with peanut butter
Two large bowls of cheerios
A glass of soy milk (drank it... not with the cereal)
Wheathins (several handfuls) and cream cheese (at least 3 servings)
More Wheathins and a string cheese
The remainder of a canister of Barbecue Pringles (at least 2 servings)
An skinny cow ice cream bar
Greek yogurt
2 strawberries, and a banana, and a handful of berries
7 mini chocolate bars (milky ways, Baby Ruth's, Reeses' mini cups)
5 spoonfuls of peanut butter
A peanut butter and Jelly Sandwich (I might have made two at separate times... don't actually remember). 
2 handfuls of Chocolate covered raisins
A large slice of vegetarian pizza
A large salad with creamy Italian dressing and avocado
A sprite zero
a bottle of sparkling water
A yogurt granola bar
A Target "Monster" Granola Bar
A vegetarian sausage, a hot dog bun, tater tots and french fries (made that at home)
with barbecue sauce and creamy Italian dressing. 

This is what I remember eating today..... I'm sure there are some things that got lost in there that I cant remember. But as you can see... it is NOTHING pretty. The worst part is... this was all self inflicted torture because I waited until the last minute to start writing a paper.....

Hi, my name is Christina, and I am a Compulsive Overeater and Bulimic... and this is now I plan to live abstinently. I am going to bring recovery back into my life... starting right now and turn my will over to the Power of God, as I see Her, and start caring for the little girl in side me today that is begging to be treated right. I cant live like this anymore. I cant keep lying to friends, my sponsor, MYSELF!!! I keep trying to figure out... "WHY I CANT RUN!!!" and the answer is RIGHT in front of me.... The worst part is, all I wanted today was to be able to binge on the ice cream that's in the freezer... and now I don't even WANT it. 

Mentally- I hate am being very hard on myself. I don't like my body, I don't like the person I am behaving as, and I do not like the way I have been spending my life. It's as if there was an invasion of the body snatchers and I am living someone else's life

Physically- I feel heavy, I feel sluggish, and I feel as though I have gained 10 pounds in the last two weeks (hey.. it could happen). I do not feel comfortable in my own body, and I have NOT been treating it like a temple! I have horrible gas, and I am having trouble breathing too. I am a WRECK!!!

Spiritually- I have been tuning out all contact with my Higher Power! I have not been working my spiritual program at all. I stopped praying, I stopped writing, I stopped meditating and I stopped reading... which leave me with no genuine connection. 

As of RIGHT THIS MINUTE... I am choosing not to live this way anymore. I don't want the horrible bloating, the smelly and uncomfortable gas, the bed full of bread crumbs, the insanely chapped lips, the rawed out roof of my mouth, or the constant need to feel like I need more.

Just for today: I will seek to strengthen my relationship with my Higher Power. I know from experience that knowledge of my Higher Power's will provides a sense of clarity, direction, and peace. 

Here some AEIOU's for ya :)

A- Yes
E- None 
I- I skipped class in order to finish a paper, spent time with my mom, prayed, checked in with Friends and Family as needed, did not force myself to run
O- Offered financial help to a close friend (to help end her suffering), spoke to another friend about program for over an hour (yay new recruits), checked in on fellows who were on my mind
U- I am not alone, and noting is worth destroying my mental, physical and spiritual recovery over!!!

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