Friday, May 10, 2013

Free Hug Friday

So, I binged my ass off last night. After I wrote the post, I just couldn't fight it and went straight for the kitchen. I was still feeling really guilty about taking a chip for 30 days and it showed up in my foods :( I woke up feeling really yucky and confused and feeling like this was going to be a never ending cycle that I couldn't get out of. I was found myself scheming on ways to get foods (like leaving

I decided not to run today. Half because I was asleep from all the food, and Half because I wanted to rest my shins for one more day without torturing myself. (more the former than that latter), and although I am not "OK" with it... I am accepting it. I am still icing my shins, and am hoping to be back to performance ready Christina tomorrow :)

I made some REALLY good outreach calls and texts this morning when I was feeling insanely unstable, and I started to feel a little bit better. I have to hold on to anger, frustration and resentments the only person that I hurt is myself... because I am the one that gets the beat down, not the person, place or thing that I am "UPSET" with. The woman I spoke with suggested that I try praying for the things I am angry at as a productive way to handle my emotions. I really appreciated her making this suggestion, and I will try to remember to use it, because I feel that it will really help.

I went to group therapy, and it seemed like ALL of us were in this state. That weird "active in our addiction and not really wanting to do anything about it" phase. Well, more or less that we are in "crisis" and aren't willing to tap into our healthier methods of coping at this time. The theme seemed to be,

"I am frustrated with where I am at, because I am not where I want to be. Even if where I want to be is an unrealistic goal that NO ONE IN THE WORLD could achieve."

Add on a little self deprecation and constant comparison to others and you got a perfect recipe for an eating disorder. Each one of us was able to show kindness and compassion towards others, but we weren't able to do it for ourselves. So, for today, I am putting the stick down, and just going to be kind and gentle to myself in as many ways possible. 

I am going to ACCEPT and approve of my abstinence, I am going to continue to work on eating intuitive and consciously, I am going to continue to let go of my bulimia and work towards letting go of the binge eating. I am going to open my heart and my mind to calmness so that God can work through me to help me with my food. 

 I am also going to let go of

1. My negative self talk
2. My control of my weight
3. My hatred for my body (specifically my stomach and thighs)
4. The guy that flipped me off in his side view mirror on the freeway (it's really bugging me)
5. The Donuts that I keep telling myself I "NEED" to have
6. My shin splints
7. My idea of what my recovery SHOULD be

I walked out of group feeling a lot better and more accepting of the process that is recovery.. no matter what it means to me. On the way out I was talking to another member who is having trouble with something I went through with my old roommate/best friend and at the end of our talk there was this awkward moment where you could tell BOTH of us wanted to give each other a hug... but we were both hesitant. Thank Goodness she asked me and we were able to have a nice, caring embrace. It gave me the idea to start

FREE HUG FRIDAY! I am giving EVERYONE I come across a hug today... for no good reason :) It's making me feel SO much better.

I am not going to be near a computer later So I am going to commit my AEIOU's now :)

A- Yes
E- Nope... and damn proud of it!
I- I rested my body for one more day, I outreached to multiple fellows, I actively participated in group therapy.
O- It was free hug Friday... EVERYONE GOT FREE HUGS!!!, wished a fellow luck on their concert this evening, I helped two people in suicidal crisis, assisted an incoming Social work student
U-  The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

No comments:

Post a Comment