I am reminded of my disease almost every hour of everyday. It may not sound pleasant, but it is my reality. My reality today is that I binged liked a fiend last night because I was feeling really overwhelmed by some uncontrollable circumstances in my life yesterday. Instead of focusing on the negatives and the fear (I'm going to gain weight, I'm a failure, I am not worthy of empathy, acceptance, forgiveness and love from those around me), I am going to try and focus on the positives
- I did not break my ABSTINENCE
- I did not throw up
- I woke up today and ate my breakfast as usual
- I made 4 outreach calls to people in program to try and beef up my support
- I planned abstinent meals for the day
- I was able to get out of my own head and own my behaviors so that I can try and change them.
When I first woke up this morning, I was really upset and disgusted with myself. I felt horrible, because I littered the beautiful temple that is my body with nothing but junk for several hours last night (On and Off from about 8-12). I woke up overheated, I had a headache and all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and just lie around feeling sorry for myself all day. I want to remain in the misery that I had began feeling yesterday. I also did not get up and go running today. My body is still very tired from the week, and I feel that getting up to run 6 miles this morning would have been more of an act of me trying to "Undo" what I had done to my body last night.
It is important for me to remember that there is nothing I can do to "Undo" the binging I did last night. It happened, and there just have to be some consequences:
- I'm uncomfortable
- I am disappointed in myself
- I feel bloated, and have gas
- Overall all, I just feel BLAH!!!
All things that are temporary and will eventually pass IF I LET THEM. But if I beat myself up, try to ruminate on it and let it hold a large place in my heart... I will end up wildly upset. I was reading another blog yesterday and I came across a quote that said:
God. Grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference. Please help guide me to do the next right thing, and help give me the strength to do something differently today. I am powerless in my disease and I trust that you can do for me what I am unable to do for myself (love myself, forgive myself, treat myself with compassion). I pray you give me the strength to make it through this day abstinently. Amen.