Sunday, March 31, 2013

Easter, and my AEIOU's


I'm not sure if you knew it... but I'm actually pretty gangsta'!!! OK, I'm not at all... but I'm half black, so that sorta counts, right?!?!? ( please do not judge me based on this random racially insensitive post).

Today is Easter Sunday and that means A LOT of things. 1) Christ has risen 2) The Easter bunny is now extremely tired and 3) There is chocolate, candy and food everywhere!!! However, I am happy to report that I made it through the holiday with my abstinence from binging and purging with 21 days strong. Now, I know I make it look easy, but there have been a lot of struggles along my path. I am learning to take it one day at a time and use the tools of OA to remain abstinent. 

I recently got a Temporary sponsor to help me start working the steps and get a plan of eating. She is only temporary because I am not sure that she has exactly what I need to get me permanent recovery (like the fact that she doesn't have a history of bulimia and she only has 9 months of abstinence), but I really like her outlook on life and think that she will be an excellent temp :). The first few things that she has me doing is reading the Dr.'s Opinion from the big book (which is slow and painful), creating a Red Light/Yellow Light and Green Light food list (more to come on that later), and check in with her EVERY day with my AEIOU's

A- Was I abstinent

E- Did I get any exercise?

I- What did I do for myself today?

O- What did I do for Others today?

U- What did I uncover today?

I really like this idea, and am going to start updating my blog with my daily AEIOU's even when I don't have time to blog about everything else. So, here are today's :)

A- I was abstinent from bingeing and purging today!!! I did this by going to 2 meetings :)
E- I took a 40 minute walk with my grandma in the evening. The sunset was beautiful, but the time with my grandma was even more special :)
I- For myself... I did a lot of praying on patience and comfort. I was also gentle with myself when faced with having to make last minute food decisions!!!
O- I bought a sunshine balloon for my friend, Sarah, who was celebrating her 90th day of abstinence today!!! She has been an inspiration and wonder for me through this journey and I am so grateful  for her. I also spoke with some fellows for over an hour after each meeting I went to, and reached out to my friend who is not in program... but is suffering from the same affliction. 
U- I uncovered that I really miss my best friend, food. While reading in a Big Book study I saw a quote that perfectly spoke to my current situation:

"Eating released me from the suffocating fear, the feelings of inadequacy, and the nagging voices at the back of my head that told me I would never measure up. All of those things melted away when I ate. The food was my friend, my companion, a portable vacation. Whenever life was too intense, food would take the edge off or obliterate the problem altogether"- pg. 310 of The Big Book (with nouns changed to fit my affliction). 

Over the last few days I have been irritable, cranky, and a complete bitch to Tyler, and for the life of me could not figure out why. I would apologize after realizing what I had done, but I still could not figure out why I was being so hard on him... until I read this quote. I miss my best friend! I am mourning the loss of a relationship that I have had with food for over 10 years. Imagine if you had to just say "ADIOS" to your amigo and replace them with other people. Even if those people are wonderful, great and a positive influence... they are not going to completely replace you old best friend. I can't always count on the fact that I am going to have a WONDERFUL meeting or that i wont crave food or want to binge... but I was ALWAYS able to count on my late night binges and purges and that I would feel calm and nurtured.

I miss that. 

As toxic of a relationship that me and food have... I truly miss it, and I am acting out to others so that they can feel the hurt that I feel. Just acknowledging it makes me feels tons better.... and I am ready to do more work on it in the future. 

For now, that is it. I will talk to you soon :)

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