Saturday, March 16, 2013

The Fork in the Road

At a meeting I went to on 3-13-13 the speaker suggested that we make a short list of the things we want in a Higher Power. Since I am not "religious" and I am still not certain who or what my HP is.. I figured this was a pretty important tool to remember.

While I was on my run this evening I figured out the first characteristic. Instead of going to the gym like I always do, I listened to what my heart wanted and went to Balboa park to run outside instead. It was humid and windy, but I was determined to get in one more good run before my Half Marathon on Sunday. About a mile in... I got a painful side cramp. I listened to my body and slowed my pace, even though my brain wanted me to push harder to stay under an 8:30min/mile avg. I took a couple deep breaths and asked my HP to relieve me of my burden. With a few more breaths my pain had lifted and I charged full speed ahead.

Prior to going out I had planned to run between 4 & 5 miles. But then I reached The Fork In The Road: Go one way and I would hit about 4.5 miles (my goal) or go the other way and be certain to hit 5+ miles (beyond my goal). Feeling confident in myself and my abilities, I did what I always do and choose the path that would give me more than I had planned. Before I knew it, I was in over my head!

The wind picked up, the shade disappeared and I began to feel completely dehydrate. I was hot, but I had no sweat coming from my body. I was parched, but was unable to create any saliva in my mouth. I was in agonizing pain. I had been here before many time, both in my runs and in my disease. I began my task with a plan in mind and had been led astray by the desire to achieve something far beyond my means. I would have a couple days sober and I would convince myself that I was strong enough to handle taking just one cookie, or having just "a couple chips and guacamole", and before I knew it... I had a thirst that could not be quenched. My weakness was not my binge itself, but it was the belief that I had power over food. Normally, I would give up and completely succumb to my wrong doing. I would overload myself with food from guilt of making a wrong decision. This time, I decided to try something different


I began with the Serenity Prayer (mostly because it is the only one I know), and I repeated it as many times as I could. It was at this time that I had realized that my HP had a running plan for me, and I had tried to take it in to my own hands. I humbly admitted my wrong doing and continued to pray, but the pain would not ease up.

I asked my HP, "What is it that you want me to SEE?!?!" And at that moment "Just for Today" came to my mind. I began to repeat it Over and Over...
"Just for Today- I will live for today. I can survive anything for one day that I can not accomplish for eternity."

I looked at my watch and saw I had about 10 minutes left until I was done. I then said:

"Just for today, I can do anything for 10 minutes that I could not accomplish for an entire day".

This was when I came to identify my HP's first characteristic... Someone who would not make me suffer unnecessarily. My Hp wants me to succeed... but if I don't compromise my plans with his plan he will she me my wrongs. At that moment the lyrics of a song "Heavens got a plan for you" came onto my ipod. I knew then that my Hp was not trying to burden me with anything that I could not handle. 

I would love to say that ALL my suffering was released, but it was not. However, I felt the courage and strength to carry on until the end of the run. 

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