Friday, March 22, 2013

Strength in Abstaining

Good Afternoon, and HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

I realize that I came off as very abysmal and upset with my most recent posts this week, and I am happy to report that I am feeling MUCH better today. I'm not perfect, but I feel a renewed sense of self. Someone at the meeting I went to last night said that,

"Our Abstinence Makes Us Stronger"

And today, I can HONESTLY believe that.

Last night, after publishing my blog, I managed to drift right off to sleep (as if you couldn't tell by my nonsensical rant that I was EXHAUSTED). While I was asleep I had the most horrible dream that I had binged on Chicken and Waffles. I woke up in the middle of the dream feeling as though I had ACTUALLY eaten a plate of food... to the point that I could taste the maple syrup in my mouth!!! Please, tell me that I am crazy!!!

The worst part about it wasn't that the food, but it was the way I looked in my dreams. Normally when I see myself in my dreams, I actually look much better than I see myself in real life. Like a Tyra Banks look alike :)

But last night this was not the case. In my dreams I had calves the size of mountains! they were lumpy, bumpy and ginormous, and they overflowed into my buthigh (the space that makes up my butt and my thigh). It was hideous, and I woke up feeling TERRIBLE. The funny thing about this that in real life, my calves are my favorite part about myself. Whenever anyone asks me to name something I like about myself or my body, it is almost always my calves (or my boobs... but usually my calves). I was baffled by this entire dream and the events of the last few days and wasn't sure what to think of it.

While I was at the gym and running on the treadmill, it came to me. This is my disease trying to weaken me. It is taking the little bit of self-esteem that I have and trying to use it against me... The sneaky bastard. This ties in well with a lot of the readings and messages that I have been receiving this week about my disease and my level of vulnerability. If I open myself up to be vulnerable to my disease... it will over power me. Well I am proud to say that, Today, it did not win. I am going to understand that this was just a dream, and that I am better than what my disease wants me to be. And I am going to fight it to the death. 

After going back to sleep for a little bit, and waking up feeling more refreshed, I was able to open myself up to a wonderful day. I went to go have an EKG done at school, and was given a clean bill of health. I also found out that my blood panels came back and everything was normal, except for a Vitamin D deficiency... which can be normal for vegetarians. I will have to begin taking a supplement (along with calcium). Other than that, I am GOOD TO GO :)

After that, I took a nice little trip to the gym, had a good 5 mile run on the treadmill, did some time on the rowing machine and grabbed myself a DELICIOUS latte on the way in to my shift at the Suicide Prevention Center.

I wont be able to make it to a meeting for the next two days, but I feel certain that I can handle any issue that comes my way.

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