I can honestly say that I am working on day six of my abstinence, and I could not be happier. This week has been life changing in so many ways, that I do not even know where to begin. I have met some wonderful people, been to some exciting meetings, and opened up to people in ways that I haven't been able to in years. For the first time in years, I feel ALIVE and AWAKE to what is going on around me.
I have nothing to hide anymore, I can feel comfortable in my own skin, and I can feel proud of who I am... not ashamed and embarrassed. I may not be working the program perfectly (because I don't know everything about it yet), but I am working it the only way I know how and to the best of my ability. I have been to six meetings, and hoping to go to many more. I'm meeting as many people as possible, reaching to others when I need the help and writing when I get the chance. In fact, the previous post I gave "The Fork in the road" is a writing I did on Thursday.
The two things that have been getting me through is the Serenity Prayer and the Just for Today Meditation. Although the meditation is long, I try to focus on just one section of it a day and use it when I need it most. On Wednesday I had the portion
Just for Today I will be Happy. "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be"- Abraham Lincoln.
This was really speaking to me on that day... and most days to be honest. I have been so miserable with myself that I have had to fake my happiness. When I thought about this some more, I came up with my Internal Working Model (how I view myself, other and the world... yeah, I just brought in school material... say WHAT?!?!).
My body is not satisfactory or attractive so I am unattractive and worthless. I don't deserve to be happy
Is that not the saddest thing you have ever heard?!?!? That is, honestly, how I have viewed myself for the past 8+ years!!! But the reality is that I am BEAUTIFUL, and I am worth it and I deserve all the happiness in the world!!! It is amazing what we can convince ourselves of when we are caught in this disease.
Any-whoo... So things are going good, but I am EXTREMELY nervous. I am getting ready to head up to San Diego for a "Girls weekend" with some old girl scout friends and to run a Half Marathon tomorrow. I'm nervous, because I cant have completely control over my food and that is usually a huge binge/purge trigger for me. But I know that I have the tools to keep myself sober. I have numbers I can call/text and I know that I have my HP to talk to as much as I need to. I can always go back to writing as well.
I'm EXCITED because this will be the first time that I have EVER run a race without binging the night before. I'm curious to see how this pans out, and am somewhat hoping for a 1:47:30 PR. However, I am going to listen to my body (and my HP) and do with this race what I have to.
I have to finish getting ready now, but I will let you know how it goes.
Take Care
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