Thursday, March 21, 2013
The Cunning and Baffling side
The last few days have been extremely difficult. Finals were today, so there has been a high amount of stress, I've been very busy and unable to make it to as many meetings or even life commitments as I can. Up until the last few days (Tuesday to be exact) I was flying through program. Going to meetings, talking to my higher power, feeling more energetic, and being able to be accountable to the people around me that care the most about me.... and then it hit me...
"I became acutely aware of how cunning, baffling and powerful my disease is."
Like a ton of bricks all of the frustrating, intoxicating, obsessive qualities of my addiction came strolling back. It began with a want to binge. My mother had told me she had ordered me some trigger food... and I panicked as I was driving on my way home. I had just sent an outreach text to one of the women I met in program and thankfully she answered me back immediately. My only plan was to not be home! So I quickly devised a plan to go to my aunt's house and my own dinner instead. This worked to help keep me binge/purge free for the night... but Since Wednesday Morning I have had an uncontrollable obsession for food. Not so much that I want to eat "bingey" foods... but to the point that I simply cannot stop thinking about what I am going to eat, what I am not going to eat, how much this is affecting me... its unmanageable and nothing will relieve me from it.
I cannot engage in any activity without thinking about food. Even during sex, I cannot be completely present, because I am thinking about food. It is such a horrible affliction to have this addiction... because at times, it feels as though it will have no end :(
I have tried to outreach, I have tried to pray, I have tried everything and yet it will not go away. Am I just hungry... probably not. No one should ever be this hungry all the time. I even started to see myself plan my binge as I was driving home. This is when I know my addiction is taking over.
Thankfully, one of the women I met at a meeting on Sunday called me just to welcome me into the program and offered me some sound advice. "Just talk to your higher power, and ask him to give the ability to sit through these uncomfortable feelings." Where I am at in my recovery (a whole woppin 10 days).... I think this is all that I can ask.
In other news, I've been running, but going slowly, so I decided to take a rest day today. I registered for a few more races... and am planning some other fun events for the month of April. I am starting to get very tired, so I am going to put myself to bed. Hopefully, I will have more to say about this issue tomorrow.
God, Grant me the Serenity, to accept the things I cannot change. The courage, to change the things I can. And the Wisdom, to know the difference.