Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Desire and Willingness

Good Morning, and Happy Tuesday!

I am currently at school killing some time before I go in for my therapy intake. I'm so nervous... my stomach is in knots, and I cant stop having to go to the bathroom :/. I know that everything is going to be OK, but the last time I saw a therapist it did not go so well. I am meeting with an Eating Disorder Specialist (and I believe the head of the department)... so I have higher hopes for my therapy this time around. But, with my recovery, I am always cautious not to get TOO excited.

The last time I spoke with you things were going OK. Since then I have entered what I would like to call my Bulimia Detox... and it SUCKS!!! I am going from extreme physical obsessions (this includes excess salivation, wanting of random foods, hunger pains that will not end even though I JUST ate, etc.) to intense mental obsession. Let's face it, for the last 8 years there hasn't been too many moments in my life where I wasn't thinking about What I was eating, what I WASN'T eating, when I was going to eat, when I last ate, how full/hungry I am or wasn't and what was sitting in my pantry and most of my weekend consisted of much of the same. But starting yesterday I began getting this horribly ill feeling in my stomach that has left me nausea and "without" an appetite (I use without VERY loosely). The problem is, that even when I don't want to eat I still think about eating. It is making me cranky, irritable, and exhausted and I am ready for it to STOP.

I know that the physical symptoms I am experiencing are just a manifestations of my disease... because the only time the nausea and upset stomach go away or my appetite returns is when I am eating. I have come to identify this as my brain trying to set myself up for a relapse... But I am not going to give up that easily. There is a saying in the Big Book that says the only requirement for membership to OA is a DESIRE to stop compulsively overeating. I completely agree with this statement, and I am so grateful that I have it. However, I have ALWAYS wanted to stop overeating/binging... and that got me to 8 years of pain in suffering. I want to add on to that statement and say, "The only requirement for success is the WILLINGNESS to go to any lengths to get it."

I can honestly say that I have worked harder in the last 15 days then I have in a very long time... and I want more than anything to get my 30, 60, and 90 day chips!!! So, I am going to keep doing whatever it takes to get there :) This means going to meetings I do not want to go to, doing all of my appointments, sharing during 3 minute pitches, and reaching out to people ESPECIALLY when I am nervous. This is my chance to save my life, and for the first time I feel as though I have a great chance at doing that.

I have more I want to talk about, but I am going to save it until after my therapy session. Wish me Luck!!!

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