Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Just For Today

Today felt like such a long day, in one of the best ways possible.

I SLEPT horribly last night. I woke up to use the bathroom at about 3:30am... and could not go back to sleep to save my life! I tossed and turned until about 4 when I reopened my lap top and started reading for school. I think I finally fell asleep around 4:30... but tossed and turned from there until 6am when my alarm went off. I think the best moments of sleep I got was between 6 and 6:15am when I fell back asleep.

I went to class feeling lighter (not physically, but spiritually). Even with my lack of sleep I felt ready to take on the whatever the day had to offer me. When I got to class, I began looking at some of the OA material. And I found myself falling upon this piece of literature...

Just for Today... I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once.

It sounds so simple, yet it is the most DIFFICULT thing I feel I have ever had to do in my whole life. When I felt myself beginning to slip in to grandiose thoughts of staying abstinent forever, going to 30 meetings in 30 days, or even becoming a speaker at one of the meetings... I reminded my self that for Today... I am the student, and my only job is to get to a meeting tonight.

I have also sought solace in the Serenity Prayer... but this is one that I had already utilized. It just never gets old.

I utilized the phone numbers that I was given at last nights meeting and sent a text message during the luncheon presentation filled with cookies and muffins. I reminded myself that EVERYONE was touching them... which means that they are covered in germs... forcing myself to not want to eat them. My new confidant reminded me that it was NOT MY FOOD... and that they probably tasted gross anyways. I'm not so sold on the latter part of that statement; hence why I had to get creative with the germ ;)

I went to the gym in the afternoon, ran a cool 4.6 miles, did some rowing, and it felt effortless. My addict mind wanted me to go longer, but I stuck to my plan for the day and appreciated the workout that I completed.

I ate what I was suppose to eat. I stopped when I was full and allowed myself to properly fuel my body as needed. I didn't even get too upset when I dropped my dinner container and lost parts of my vegetarian sausage. I just told myself that I wasn't meant to have that portion, and said "At Thy Will".

I went to a MEETING. This was a very different meeting than last nights, and I had to look at it from a very different frame of mind. There were much fewer participants (maybe about 7 of us), none of them were overly friendly, and many of them seemed stuck in their own mental space. However, I stayed, and opened myself up to the possibilities my Higher Power was laying before me. This was a Literature Study/ Speaker meeting, which means that we read from the Higher Power literature for 10 minutes, and then a speaker spoke for 10 minutes, and then we all got an opportunity to share for 3 minutes. 

The literature reading gave me hope for myself. I'm not a truly religious person, but I have always believed in a Power greater than myself, that nothing happens coincidentally, and that we are not the sole person in command of our destiny. In many ways, I fit right into the OA world... at least on the spiritual letter. However, I feel that giving myself over to my Higher Power is something that I may struggle with. However, one of the readings reminded me that I am like a seed... that will one day blossom in to a flower (vastly paraphrasing) and now is the time to nurture myself with love, compassion, faith and hope for the day that I can become the blossom. I am not truly a patient person, and that it what I took away from that portion.

I have to be honest... This groups "shares" got me a little worried. They were all dwelling on their depression, and the fact that they were going through hard times (battling other addictions, going w/o work, feelings of hopelessness) and I began to wonder if this, too, would eventually be my fate?!?! Just listening to all of them started to make me feel depressed! Just before I vowed NEVER to come back to this meeting I tried to see what my Higher Power was trying to have me see.

What I would up seeing, was eye opening. Right now, I am in the honeymoon phase of my sobriety. I am motivated, I am optimistic, and I am nervous/excited... which is pushing some how giving me the drive to at least SHOW UP! But, there are going to be times when things are not so exciting, and fresh, and welcoming as I feel they are right now. I have been here before... I have gotten angry, upset, depressed, even difficult to be around, because I was not able to binge and purge.. and I eventually gave in to my addiction. But this time around, I have to remember that I just have to SHOW UP and I will find what I am looking for more readily than I will in a box of cookies, cinnamon rolls or cereal. 

I shared briefly at the end...it was a mess! I had so many wonderful things I wanted to say... and all I could keep doing was saying THANK YOU!!! I'm sure I will get better with time. 

I am planning on going to another meeting tomorrow evening. Something about knowing that I have a commitment to see people that want to help me and expect that I will be wanting their help motivates me to stay away from compulsively over eating. So, I am going to stick to this gut feeling, and ROLL with it :)

Now, I need to start working on my take home final, otherwise I'm going to fail graduate school and REALLY have something to binge about!

Take Care.

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