Saturday, October 6, 2012

Emotional Roller Coaster And a Victory

Oh, What a Happy Saturday...Well... Kinda.

This is a fair warning that this is not going to be the most positive post that I've ever written. Yesterday was a really hard day for me and my family, and I haven't completely recovered from the day.

I found out yesterday that my mother has 4 large tumors on her uterus that are all much larger than the whole size of her actual uterus. The doctor is recommending that she has a full hysterectomy to remove it, because there is a 20% chance that it could be cancerous. This also means that she is going to have to be on disability/bed rest for 6-8 weeks.

Now, before everyone gets crazy: YES, I know that 20% is not a big deal, and YES, I know that this is the 2nd most common surgery performed on women and YES, I do know that my mother is going to be OK...

That does not mean that this isn't a scary, frustrating, and emotional experience for the both of us. My mother is the most precious thing in the world to me, and the thought of her being scared and in pain makes me extremely sad. I felt guilty because I was out at a rehearsal, and my mom was home without me. I wanted to be there for her, and I felt like I was being so selfish. She told me she was going to try to go to bed early, but that still did not put my mind at ease.

Once I got this news yesterday evening, the rest of my night sort of went down hill from there. Tyler tried to take me to get some frozen yogurt at Yogurtland... but even that was a disaster. I wanted to mix their new pumpkin pie flavor with cheesecake and coconut. Go figure... they were ALL OUT OF PUMPKIN PIE!!! I was so upset, that I purposely did not want to take a picture of it for you guys. I quickly (and emotionally) inhaled, scarfed downdissatisfyingly ate my container of frozen yogurt. I spent another hour with Tyler before I sent myself home for the night.

The old Christina's thoughts started getting in to my head. "You can just go home and find something else to eat that will satisfy you more than that frozen yogurt did". "It's almost 12:00am, no one will know that you were up late and eating". "I'm pretty sure you left some ice cream hidden in the back of the freezer for just this kind of emergency.... Wouldn't that go great with some Eggo Waffles and Peanut Butter?!?!" "You're going to feel so much better if you just eat something and go to sleep."

I drove home with tears in my eyes, a knot in my throat, and a swirl of CRAP going on in my head. It took every part of my will power to combat the irrational thoughts that were going on in my head. The new Christina fought as hard as she could with thoughts like, "Eating when you get home is not going to make you feel any better about what is happening with your mother.", "The Ice Cream, Waffles and Peanut Butter are not going to make Mom's tumors go away". "How much is it going to mess up your run tomorrow morning if you eat all of that shit tonight?!?!"

I'm not sure if it was a sign from my higher power, or if it was myself, but when I got home my Mom and Ray were awake. I came in, gave my mom the biggest hug I could muster up, put my stuff away in the kitchen and went to bed. I made it through yet another night without giving in to evil voice that still rents a space in my head.

After everything yesterday, I could not manage to get out of bed any earlier than 9:30am this morning. I was suppose to either a) Go to the NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) benefit walk at 10am this morning on 3rd street, or run 13 miles today for Marathon Training week 4. As you can imagine, waking up at 9:30, does not really make either of those activities possible. I was starting to beat myself up a bit for bailing on both commitments, and was almost going to remain in bed even longer when I told myself, "You know what? You can't always do it all."

I managed to get out of bed, and took myself for a long run to help get my body moving, and try to clear my head. I ran 7 miles in a little over 60 minutes and I must say, I felt a lot better. My internship was cancelled for Monday, so I am going to move my long run to that morning.

I may not have been able to do all of the things I wanted to do today, but I had to make adjustments to try to take care of myself. Yesterday was physically and emotionally exhausting, and I owed it to myself to just let go of this one. This is a new concept that I am still learning, but I think it is going to be invaluable to me throughout the remainder of my recovery.

After my run, I make myself a Chocolate, Peanut Butter Pumpkin Pie Smoothie. I added:

1 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk (Trader Joe's)
1/4 cup of pumpkin puree
1/4 cup of rolled oats
1 tbsp of natural peanut butter
A couple dashes of cinnamon
A squeeze of honey
A couple mouthfuls of chocolate muscle milk lite

It was pretty good, and hit the spot. It could have used a little more pumpkin, but then again, when can anything not use a little more pumpkin?!?!

Now I'm relaxing before I have to go to work for the evening.

Have you ever had to deal with a stressful surgery, or watched a family member go through one?!?!

How did you cope?!?!

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