Sunday, April 13, 2014

Crawling out of the Abyss!!!


This is Christina. I can not believe that it has been almost a year since I last wrote in this blog. I've thought about returning to it so many times... but always found something "better" to do with it.

A lot has happened since I last wrote on here. And sadly, most of it is not noteworthy.

I ran my first full Marathon, The LA Marathon.
I made it through the worst quarter of Grad School EVER
I reached one year of sobriety from purging
I spoke up for myself in my relationship

Those were probably the most important. Looking through this list though... I realized that I did not really celebrate ANY of these accomplishments. The Marathon was a really big goal for me, but I didn't achieve the time or finish that I wanted. To be honest, I was more disappointed in myself than proud (and still am). But, I'm hoping to come back strong next year and kick its ASS! Winter quarter was the worst.. and I barely scraped by. I got good grades and celebrated by sitting on my ass in bed for an entire spring break stuffing my face and feeling miserable. My recover-versary was nothing short of LAME. I still struggle with food, and emotional eating, so it feels like I haven't really made any progress in this year. I stopped going to AA, I really stopped TRYING and I guess I've just given up on myself.

I wont talk about my relationship because I don't feel like this is the place to do it... but know that things are very confusing, and I feel extremely lost in the thick of things.

Overall I FEEL LIKE SHIT... and I don't want to anymore. I don't like the way I look, I have no energy, I never want to get out of bed, So, for the first time today, I have decided that I am going to really try to do something different, instead of making a list of all the things I am "going" to do... and I will actually start doing them.

GOALS: I keep telling myself that I need to start setting weekly goals... and then I go right back in to doing nothing. When I was in therapy with Dr. Marson part of our group therapy was to make weekly goals. I really like this idea, because right now, I am struggling with just getting through each day. So, each Sunday, I am going to write out my goals for the week, put them on a flash card and place it on my mirror, or next to my mirror... ONE OF THE TWO.

My Goals for this week:

               1. Stop feeling sorry for myself! (Write at least one gratitude list)
               2. Complete all my scheduled exercises (4 runs, and 1 swim, and a Zumba class)
               3. Go to at least one OA meeting
               4. Clean up the 3 B's (My Bedroom, My Body, and my Brain)
               5. Blog it out 3-5x's this week!

This seems like a really good place to start. It wont be easy, but I need to get back to the basics.

Thanks for letting me talk it out :D

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