Are you there, God?

Its me.. Christina!

Man… I am EXHAUSTED today. I am running on fumes emotionally, mentally and physically! But that being said… I had a really good day. Well, it may not have started that way, but it ended up being a fair day. I woke up at my usual time after a very fitful night of sleep. I had a midterm at 9am (that I was very unprepared for) and I kept waking up to either try to read a page, or from a nightmare of failing my exam!!! I ate my usual breakfast and was out the door by 7:15am, my usual departure time.

About 15 minutes in to my drive I realized had left my black tea on my counter top. At this point, I was exhausted with no access to caffeine… bad combination. I figured I would just have to grab some hot water or coffee when I got to campus before going to my exam.

Then I got on the freeway… with everybody else in the tri-county area. Traffic was EXCEPTIONALLY horrendous today! I am not sure what happened, but all I knew was that I was NOT moving anywhere near as quickly as I should be. It was at the point that I started to have a complete melt down panic, thinking that there was no way for me to get to my exam on time. It was as if all of my horrible nightmares were beginning to become my reality. Visions of failing the exam and flunking out of program started dancing in my head (catastrophizing much?!?!). I started to blame myself for possibly being late for my first exam, "I should have left earlier", "I need to leave by 7", "I'm a horrible, and lazy human being."

Just moments before tears began to run down my face I paused and just said, "I have absolutely no control over the traffic making me late, but I can control how I react." I took a few deep breaths, and just had to sit and accept that I was sitting in some really nasty traffic that happened to be on the day that I had a midterm. Simultaneously I said to God, "I trust you with however this ends." So, I sat in my acceptance and surrender and before I knew it the traffic lightened up. In fact, by the time I got off the freeway at Sunset... the street was practically empty, there wasn't any traffic trying to get into the parking structure and  no one was waiting to buy a parking pass! I easily should have been 15 to 20 minutes late for my exam... and managed to walk in the door at 9:05am

Not only that, but when I walked in, she had not yet handed out the exams, and she had just announced that it was going to be a "Group Midterm"!!! Talk about reaping the benefits of surrendering. 

The remainder of my pay was pretty uneventful. I went to the gym, and had my therapy session with Dr. Marson. We spent some time talking about my restricting, and it is something that I need to spend some more time exploring, recognizing and adjusting.. but I will save that for another day.

After that, I went to a Step Study meeting, and really enjoyed myself. However, throughout my day I was just focused on making my dinner and meal plan for tomorrow work perfectly, and it was starting to become very irritating. It was like no matter what combination I tried to make work, I was left unsatisfied or freaking out about calories. When I arrived at the house, I found that my mother had made some pasta with vegetarian meat base... and it sounded WAY better than my rice veggies and tofu. I decided to be brave and made a serving of veggies and had a normal, healthy, dinner with my family. 

I think I used way too much pasta, but I would probably feel that way no matter what. I feel full, and satisfied and was able to relax while I ate. Now that I am nice and full I am EXTRA exhausted... so I am going to finish with my AEIOU's and call it a night!

A- Yes

E- 20 minutes rowing, 10 minutes abs and arms, 1 hour mindful meditation yoga, 20 minute walk

I- broke free of my food plan bondage, ate like a lady, went to therapy, shared at a meeting

O- Assisted a fellow with her food plan (let her commit it to me), checked in on friends in and out of program, spoke with a newcomer going through health problems, thanked the leader, held the door open for strangers at the gym, reached out to other newcomers. 

U- If I trust in my Higher Power by surrendering and relinquishing control he will prove to me time and time again that he exists and that he has my back. I am beginning to loose out on life by focusing on the food. 

Admitting that I am POWERLESS Over Food

I woke up today feeling really anxious about the burrito I had last night. I had a very fitful sleep that resulted in waking up SEVERAL times ready to move on to my next task. All I wanted to do was go for a run in order to "purge" the calories that I had consumed at dinner. I know that this is unrealistic, but i found myself wide awake and moving by 6:40am. Before my run I read a story in the big book, which really focused around the first step and admitting that we are powerless over food. The first step to recovery, according to OA is that:

"We admitted that we were powerless over food and that our lives had become unmanageable"

While I was running this morning I did some meditation on it and decided to do some writing about it. At first glance, this step looks like it should be easy. I mean, I showed up to an OA meeting after all, shouldn't that count as my admission of defeat against food?!?! Although that was the first step of the first step, I have come to find that there is a lot more to powerlessness than I had originally anticipated. 

So what exactly does that me, to be "powerless over food"? I am not sure what it means to other people, but for me, it means that Food occupies the majority (by which I mean a minimum of 85%... if not HIGHER) of my thoughts and motivations. I wake up thinking about food, I eat food, I worry about and count calories, I make meal plans repeatedly all day, I think about how eating makes me feel (physically and mentally), I worry about what I am going to eat, what I am NOT going to eat, what other people are eating, what they should and should not be eating, and at a previous time in my life it was "how can I eat foods without people knowing? (for example, going to Ralph's to buy ice cream, danishes and cookies but because they have a self check out line), how can I eat more food without people knowing (pretending to go get water from the kitchen so my step dad doesn't know that I am secretly pocketing granola bars to eat when I get back to my room), what can I get away with eating without gaining too much weight (using purging and laxatives), what stores, restaurants, bakeries, coffee shops have EXACTLY what I want to eat today (debating whether or not Del taco or in n out has the better binge factor)? Did I eat too much or too little food (I overate and would tell myself I needed to exercise more, I would under eat and tell myself that this was reason enough for me to have what I really wanted... and then keep eating)? How can I make myself "feel full"? (drinking coffee, chugging water, soda, soda water, eating mints, smoke a cigarette to suppress my appetite) and the list goes on and on.

Powerless means that I have no control over the THOUGHTS that I have about food. For example, moments when I can suddenly think only about a churro, or the cake that is sitting in my fridge. I've been thinking about eating pretzels and graham crackers for about 4 days now, and nothing is alleviating the craving. This also means that I tend to crave foods even when I am not hungry (especially RIGHT after I have eaten). Immediately after eating the burrito last night, I wanted popcorn, chocolate covered raisins, and something else sweet to balance out the savory food I had just eaten. Or the fact that whenever I am anxious, bored or upset I really wants chips, or crackers or something crunchy until there are none left. 

Powerless means that there are certain foods that I can not eat without becoming insanely uncomfortable  Just thinking about them spins my brain in to overdrive and makes me want to eat them in excess. It also means that when I do choose to eat these foods I am most likely going to want to eat more foods, and eventually more foods to the point that I become so painfully full that I can not breathe. During a binge, it is not uncommon for me to have enough food for an entire two days (starting with any left overs that are in the fridge and then moving on to chips and dip, cereal, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, bowls of cereal, granola bars, cookies and usually finishing with Ice Cream... because it made vomiting so much easier). It was not uncommon for me to keep eating until I fell asleep or physically could not move my hand to my mouth. 

For me, Powerlessness meant that the only relief that I could feel was to make myself sick and throw up, and I would not stop until I felt completely empty, and relieved. For me... powerlessness was then finding myself right back in front of the refrigerator unable to fall asleep without putting at least one more item of food in to my mouth. Sometimes it meant waking up in the middle of the night to do the exact same thing. 

For me, powerlessness means that I am going to die with my head in a toilet bowl and a trashcan full of wrappers and a bed full of crumbs.

And so, this is how I have spent the majority of my life. Well, at least the last 1/3 of my life. I was going to start writing "My Story", but I think I shall save it for tomorrow.

I had a pretty good day after all of this. Internship went by quickly, my food was clean, and delicious, I finally got to go to a meeting (I hadn't been to one since Thursday) and I even did a little studying...OK, reading for my exam tomorrow :/

Here are my AEIOU's so I can hit the hay!

A- YES

E- Ran 6.1miles (51 minutes)

I- I didn't weigh myself :), I fed myself, I learned information for my exam, I got my butt to a meeting!, I did some Step 1 writing, I balanced my food, I bought myself some more OA literature (Lifeline sampler), another Recovery Bracelet... (I lost my other one) and an ED recovery book. (Hi, My name is Christina, and I am a compulsive SHOPPER!!!)

O- I helped my client pay for her California ID, I helped integrate a newcomer in to program,  thanked the leader of the meeting for her experience strength and hope, I helped a fellow commit her food, I checked in on a newcomer I met a week ago and offered her support, and I made an outreach call. 

U- Eating Mexican Food makes me really want to binge, sleep with a LOT of anxiety, and leads me to want to be restrictive and excessively exercise... Thus, it must go on the yellow food list!

And some motivation to keep you going :

Mexican Food... NOT SAFE!

Man, What a busy weekend!!! 

I spent all day Saturday at work, and all day today at the Ren Faire

Tyler and I sing in a Madrigal group that performs at the faire a couple times a year, and today was our first gig. It was a long, hot, day and I was not in the mood for ANY of it. While I did manage to have some fun (I love performing... but hate the costumes), I could not stop obsessing about the food. That is, after all, primarily what the faire is known for. I had brought my own food, but it was NO substitute. I still just wanted everything in site and was left feeling completely dissatisfied. 

I had been texting people in program to try to keep my head on straight, but eventually my phone died and I had no contact to the outside world :(. I know that Tyler is supportive of me, but sometimes I feel like acting "normal" with him is so much easier than trying to fight it. I don't want to have to explain to him that I can go to a restaurant and eat like a normal person and have him look at me like I am crazy. I just want to go out and enjoy myself with my boyfriend. But the reality is that it makes me feel so much more miserable... that it just isn't worth it... 

By the time Tyler and I got home, I was starving and the only thing that seemed to make sense was Mexican Food! This was probably a horrible idea, that ended deliciously. Tyler and I split a burrito and potato tacos along with one basket of chips and salsa. IT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS!!! To be honest, it eating that food was better than having sex. Each bite was a perfect combination of delectable goodness. And then all I wanted to do was eat more...

I started thinking about all the things in my house that would have complimented this food and continued to keep me feeling full. I started to day dream about all the sexy foods available to me. And, by the grace of god, I managed to just fall asleep. It was the only thing I could do not to ravage food from everywhere (plus I was so full, tired, and sunburned that it just felt right). 

On my way home from Tyler's house I called my sponsor and tattled on myself before I did anything wrong. She gave me a lot of good perspective, and made me realize that there was nothing wrong with what I had done today. I had a plan, I strayed from it slightly, but i did not completely wreck myself. I took action before doing something stupid that I would have regretted. 

My recovery is about progress, not perfection, and i think today showed that. I made it to bed tonight with my abstinence still in tact and tomorrow is another day for me to try make better decisions for myself.

With that.. here are my AEIOU's

A- Yes

E- Ran 5.77miles (50 minutes)

I- Laughed, enjoyed spending time with my boyfriend, spent the day singing and performing, talked to my sponsor ;), checked in with fellows, did not allow myself to makes excuses to punish myself, took a nap!

O- Treated my boyfriend to coffee and lunch, Thanked a fellow for her help, 

U- Restricting will only lead me to wanting to replace it with other triggering foods! Being flexible and finding a balance between my "needs" and "wants" is far more important than simply telling myself "I CAN'T have it!"

Catch Up!

So, I feel awful bad for depriving you of a true post yesterday, and I have had so much happen since 6am that I feel like I need to write about it :)

Lets start with Yesterday: 4/18/13

I finally updated the software on my iPhone! I have the iPhone 4 (which I bought when everyone was buying the 4s/5)... which in cell phone years means mine is a dinosaur!!! I never updated the software on my phone, because everyone who was updating their 4s' and 5's were losing all their contacts, and having a lot of difficulties... so I was too afraid to do it. But, recently there have been a lot of apps that I have wanted to download onto my phone, and couldn't because I did not have the appropriate software :( I finally bit the bullet and did it yesterday and I couldn't be happier!!! I have fun apps, and everything is much much prettier. I am glad that I faced my fear and updated my phone.

One of the apps that I was really excited to upload to the phone is called Recovery Record. It is an app that is literally created to help you recover from eating disorders. You log your foods, thoughts, binges, purges, feelings, set goals for yourself and each time you make an entry it sends really beautiful inspirational quotes... Like THESE ones:

        






















Really wonderful, right?!?!?! I'm only on Day Two of using the app, but so far, I really like it. It has the potential of being really tedious, but hey.. have to put in the work to recover. There is also a separate log in for your clinician so that they can see everything that you are tracking and you can work together to create a more complete recovery plan. Once I've spent a little more time on it, I give a full report ;)

Remember when I went to go see the Dietitian last week?!?!So, I went back for my follow up appointment yesterday, and got some wonderful news!

1. I lost 3lbs (secret yay)
2. I still need to be eating MORE FOOD!!! (yikes!!!)

Last week, she told me to start aiming for 1800-1900 calories a day... ok... I can handle that. After "further analysis" of my daily food intake and my activity level, she has decided that the ACTUAL caloric range that I need to be aiming for 2200-2600 calories!!! I'm not sure about you guys... but that just sounds like a RIDICULOUS amount of food.

Hearing all of this information (and high numbers) got my head spinning! visions of mountains of food started dancing in my head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When things like that start to happen, that means that it is time for formulate an ACTION PLAN!!!

My food Action Plan:
1. Keep eating the way I have been eating for at least the next 5 days.
      (adding a portion of carbohydrates to lunch and dinner)
2. Continue to try integrating new foods, and mixing up the types of food (moderately)
3. After those 5 days, I will slowly begin to add about 100 calories of food to my day. Each week adding more than the week before for 3 weeks.

If I just starting adding on mas amounts of food now, it is going to result in sabotage... so "Easy Does It" and "One Day at a Time" is how I plan to work on this goal.

The rest of yesterday was a bit of a challenge. I had an "argument" with one of my good friends and it got me REALLY upset. She snapped at me in front of a group of people over something that I did not understand and I was left feeling surprised, hurt and embarrassed. Although having those feelings did not automatically lead me to thoughts of binging (progress?!?!) I knew that holding on to it was something that WOULD make me want to binge. I kept to my self for a little while, trying to figure out what I could have done different to have avoided the situation. I was starting to beat myself up and get really angry. I had plans of just leaving class, not talking to ANYONE and just going straight home. Then it hit me... I simply can not control how other people are going to respond to me all the time (yesterday's U). I'm still not exactly sure what I did that made her so upset, but it did. I can't change that, so dwelling on it is not going to help. I also cant go through life worrying about everything I say and do with the notion of pleasing everyone. Sometimes people are going to get upset with me or things I say/do... and that is OK. I can respond by trying to figure out what happened and make amends for whatever it is.

So that's what I did. Pretty mature of me, right?! There were other things that went on yesterday, but those were the most important :)

On to TODAY!!! 4/19/13

I woke up at 5:30am today to do a long run (11.5 miles). Now, you wouldn't believe it, but it was an amazing run. I woke up with so much energy and excitement and I kept that momentum through every mile. I don't normally do long runs in my neighborhood, but with a timing issues, I didn't have much of a choice. But it was surprisingly nice. I added some random streets, tried out some new routes, and found that the hidden hills of Chatsworth, Ca are actually pretty impressive. After my run I ate my usual breakfast, showered and headed up to UCLA for Group Therapy.

Now, usually I am the one facilitating a group process, but for today I got to be a participant! At first, I was a little uncomfortable, but in the end, I really enjoyed the experience. The group is lead by my therapist and there are 7 other people participating (both male and female). All of us are at very different levels of our recovery, have very different histories and bring a lot to the table. We began with a mindful meditation that focused on body awareness and acceptance that I found really soothing and a little triggering. At one point Dr. Marson asked us to picture our bodies and scan ourselves from head to toe, and just be cognizant of what we saw.... and the strange thing was, I could envision my face. I could see every inch of my body (every imperfection, line, bulge, and colored detail), but I really had to think much harder about my facial features.

I'm still not sure what that really means, or signifies, but it brought a small tear to my eye. Do I view myself as so unimportant that I don't even have a face?!?! It's something to meditate on and discuss during therapy I guess.

She also had us repeat some positive affirmations in our head to ourselves, and I thought that it was really nice. They were phrases like:

"I am at home in my body" "I accept myself the way I am" and some others. I really focused on the first one, because that is how I want to feel! The rest of the group went really well, but my favorite part was when we discussed what Recovery is. She gave us a wonderful Quote from a book by Carolyn Costin called 100 Questions and Answers about Eating Disorders. It was a really beautiful passage and I want to share it:

"Being recovered is when the person can accept his or her natural body size and shape and no longer has a self-destructive relationship with food or exercise. When you are recovered, food and weight will take a proper perspective in your life, and what you weight is not more important than who you are; in fact, actual numbers are of little or no importance at all. When recovered, you will not compromise your health or betray your soul to look a certain way, wear a certain size, or reach a certain number on the scale. When you are recovered, you do not use eating disorder behaviors to deal with, distract from or cope with problems. "

Man... there are so many wonderful things in here, and it brings up a lot of things for me. I only have time to write about one though, so I will start with the first sentence.

"Being recovered is when the person can accept his or her natural body size and shape and no longer has a self-destructive relationship with food or exercise."

What I see here is that I have to be willing to accept myself JUST THE WAY I AM! Not who I want to be, who I am meant to be, what I think others what me to be, or any other definition of me.. than ME. I have disliked and been disgusted by myself for so long, and have always wanted nothing but to change who I am. I wanted to be thinner, smarter, more driven, funnier, more energetic, faster, less combative, less emotional, more open, and fearless. I wanted to be #1 at everything, yet modest. I want to be EVERY ONE'S best friend and the person that they can rely for anything. That is a TALL IMPOSSIBLE order to fill.The harder I try to fight my imperfections (or as I now like to refer to it as my "Humanness") the more unhappy I become. Refusing to accept myself and love who I am will only lead me to feelings of inadequacy and hatred.

The second piece of this is the SELF-destructive relationship. The implies to me, that this is ALL me! The only person who feels that I am inadequate, is me. The only person who feels that I need to be thinner, prettier, or more athletic, is ME. The only person who got me in to this relationship with food is ME. I have to begin to own this, and hold myself accountable. I can blame my family, or Tyler, or all the other men who refused to love me because I was fat... but I am the only one who told my self to restrict to the point of self-loathing. That also means that I am the only one who can get myself out. Don't get this confused with doing this alone, because we know I cant... but I have to be the one to take action, and make the next right choice for me!

Doing this exercise in group got me thinking about what MY personal definition of recovery is. In all fairness, it is something I struggle with. In one program (OA) we are told that Compulsive Overeating is incurable. ("We do have an incurable disease.")  and that it is impossible to make a normal eater out of the compulsive overeater ("neither does there appear to be any treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men"). To me, this means that there is no RECOVERY! So why bother?!? What am I working so hard for if there is no HOPE?!?!

The tenets of OA are rooted in the philosophies of AA... but they are not the same thing. We simply cannot abstain from ALL foods for the rest of our lives. We need food to survive, and to be able to function. An alcoholic can not drink any type of alcohol, whether it be beer, hard liquor, wine or champagne, but we OA's need certain foods to survive. I do believe that there will be certain foods that I may have to stay away from, but for me, I hope to one day feel comfortable with all foods available to me. Right now, I can not eat wedding cake, or cookies or other delectable desserts, but I have plans to taste test and enjoy my wedding cake when I get married... and not feeling guilty about it. Overeaters have an unhealthy relationship with food, and like all relationships they can be salvaged with some understanding, hard work, love and compassion.  I have hope that one day I can completely recover from my bulimia. I'm not sure what that will look like, or how it will happen, but I know the possibility of it happening is also true. If I don't believe that... then I have NOTHING to hold on to.

I still have some discovery to do, but I starting to form what I want my recovery to be. Hopefully I can do some more writing on when I have some more insight. But now, it is time for me to get going.

Take Care, and Be Well!!!

Quick

Did a lot and learned a lot today, but I'm really tired (I just got home 30 minutes ago) and I am waking up at 5:45am tomorrow to do an 11 mile run. So, all you're getting is my AEIOU's

A- Yes!

E- I ran 4 miles of speed drills (32 minutes)

I- I read the big book, I shared my strength, experience and hope, I updated my iPhone, I listened to the dietitian, I paused, I asked for clarification, I spoke up for myself, I fed myself good fuel, I tried something new, I spent time with my grandma, I did not eat self destructively today and I got to a meeting to feel the unconditional love of OA.

O- I apologized for upsetting someone (even though I didn't understand why), I heard her feelings, I gave my parking pass to another couple when I left the UCLA parking lot. I gave away my ginger candy to someone who had an upset stomach, I gave away my Emergen-C to a friend who was not feeling well, I reached out to a fellow, I spoke to a new comer and gave her my number, I gave a ride home to a fellow who lives in Pasadena

U- Try as I might, I can not control how people are going to react to me. Whether it be positive or negative, it is out of my control. All I can do is be myself, and control how I respond to their reaction. I can get defensive, be modest, rude or I can act with genuine Kindness. It's been my experience that kindness gains a much higher return than the other options.

Here's a funny picture... Please tell me you GET it!!!!

Multiple Messages!

Boy, was my Higher Power trying to send me a message today!!! Granted, I believe that he tries to send me messages EVERY day, but today's message was particularly abundant.

Lately, I have been having a lot of trouble staying asleep. I can fall asleep JUST fine, but I awake every few hours, which is resulting in some VERY inconsistent and disturbed sleep! There is just a lot of anxiety that builds up for me, and I am deathly afraid that I am going to miss my alarm, and be late for whatever it is I have on my schedule for that day, so I am just always "On Alert". I have decided that there is a pretty good chance that it is connected to the fact that after my alarm goes off at 6am I always drift back to sleep... without an alarm. So, this week, I have decided to try something new and NOT allow myself to go back to sleep after my alarm goes off. In fact, I am trying to get into the habit of checking my email, checking my daily meditation app, and then reading a story from the Big Book.

Today's story had a lot of messages that I felt were pertinent, but the most important one for me was understanding "The great obsession of every abnormal drinker (eater) being to somehow, someday control and enjoy his drinking (eating)" (pg. 334) When I try to control what I eat, whether it be by restricting calories, only eating "safe" foods, trying to find the perfect balance of food... I am miserable. I feel like I am not living, and that every decision is pain staking and I cant just enjoy my being. I'm too worried about doing everything perfectly so that I don't magically put on 100 lbs. overnight. But when I try to just enjoy the foods that I know can be dangerous for me... I completely lose control. I cant have just one cookie, or just a bite of wedding cake, or the frosting off of a really delicious looking cupcake... I want and need more! I am a Compulsive Overeater and Bulimic and I can not eat like a lady around those foods.

So where is the happy medium?! How do I learn to genuinely enjoy foods and not be consumed by the fear of losing control?!  (Is that the term BALANCE I hear?!?!)

I don't complete have the answer yet, but I think that part of the solution is to start trying new food combinations, and seeing what works for me. So that is what I tried to do today. I switched up my breakfast (I had waffles and Greek yogurt... I usually have egg whites and avocado with a Mediterranean flat bread)., got creative with my snacks and dinner (100 calorie bag of kettle korn and an apple instead of grapes and string cheese). I also added a piece of whole wheat toast to my lunch.  Overall... I think I should have kept it a little safer today. Making one change is not a bad thing, but having more than one got a little overwhelming for me :/

Although I'm doing pretty overall with adding more food to my diet... I still feel very uncomfortable feeling full for most of the day, and ESPECIALLY trying to keep to a schedule. I was not hungry for my snack, and i wasn't even really hungry at dinner. In fact, I didn't finish my dinner. I just felt too full, and as if I had eaten way too much food today. I know it is going to take time for my body to normalize to the amount of food I am eating, but I still have a genuine fear of gaining weight that I need to be conscious of. I was beginning to get a little calorie obsessed, so I had to delete the lose it app from my phone. This is not about calories... it is about trust my body, and the natural science behind fueling my body. So... one thing at a time. Tomorrow I will go back to a more "normal" food menu and see how it works for me :)

In the Process, I found Fooducate it is a website that rates foods, and helps you to properly figure out what is in your food. There is a section where you can edit the type of information that you want it to present for you (Vegetarian, Non-GMO, Heart Healthy, etc.) but it DOES not calculate calories :) So for now... it is my new addiction!

But my day was not just about the food. I actually had a really great run this morning, I had some good time with my client's and colleagues at internship today, and even spent a little quality time with Mom's :) AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO TAKE A NAP!!!

I also had a lot of good messages at my OA meeting tonight. The leader was someone famous, and he had a lot of wonderful wisdom to share. Though our readings I was able to look at how I viewed foods and take a new outlook on them. for most events or holidays, I always use to most look forward to the food that was going to be served. For example, a wedding. I'm not going for the ceremony, I'm going for the awesome buffet, the free champagne, and the open dessert bar! But, with more time abstinent, I am able to find the true joy in things like that, and slowly, stop focusing on the food.

Some other fun things I took from the meeting were "Learning to life life on Life's terms" (there's that control theme again), and as is always reaffirmed...

 "The pain we experience when we feel our feelings is much less than the pain we create by overeating". I feel like I ALWAYS forget this one... and I shouldn't. I'm going to have to keep that one for when I'm having a not so fabulous day!

It's getting late, so I think it is time for my AEIOU's!

A- Yes :)
E- ran 6.13 miles (51 minutes)
I- I had the snacks that I wanted, I opened up my heart and my mind), I started my day with a story from the Big Book, I shared at a meeting, I prepared my food for the next day
O- I consoled a friend going through a hard time, I thanked the leader at the meeting, I helped a client explore options
U- I uncovered a lot today, but most importantly I uncovered that my Abstinence is a tool and not a goal. If I try to treat my abstinence like I will eventually earn a Gold Medal in OA... then I will never be able to find true recovery. Recovery is a process, and abstaining from my unhealthy behaviors (binging and purging/keeping my food) is going to help me attain that mental, physical and spiritual recovery.

See you tomorrow :)

Acceptance, Love and The Spiritual Gap

Remember that potted plant I bought on a whim at Trader Joe's?!?! Look what happened!!!

HAHAHAHA... Just kidding. This was the center piece from Melissa's wedding over the weekend... but aren't they gorgeous?!?! I thought I should share them with you, but you are gorgeous as well :) I'll take a picture of the potted plant tomorrow. It has already bloomed and looks WONDERFUL.

I've really come to enjoy Tuesdays. I only have one class, I get to go to meditation and therapy... overall the day just has a very calm feeling about it. But this Tuesday was EXTRA special. I made it to class on time, I finally found a GOOD Tuesday night meeting to attend, I got to see someone from program who I had lost touch with and I got to have my first successful outreach call to a new comer :)

In therapy today, I brought in some old pictures of myself, ones that I thought really showed off how much weight I had on me. I was able to talk about how much disgust and sadness I had for that little girl. It was really painful saying out loud that you disgust yourself and that at any minute you will return to that former person. She got made fun of, she couldn't shop in normal stores, she could never have a boyfriend, she couldn't make the cheer leading squad, she hated being in front of people in a bathing suit, she was lazy, unattractive, spoiled and did not respect herself, she cared more about television and snacks after school than paying attention in school and she was a horrible soccer player...

But she was also in a lot of pain, and she did the best she could in a very difficult situation... and she deserves Acceptance and Love just as much as I do...Because SHE IS ME. I can not make a full recovery until I forgive and learn to love that happy little girl. She did nothing wrong, and does not deserve to be hated by me any longer! So, For Today, I can give her acceptance for who she was. I may not have like being fat, but that does not mean that has nothing to do with liking the person that I am. There is far more to her than physical characteristics.... thinks that I couldn't even list if I wanted to. But even without knowledge of them... she deserves to be loved. 

I ended the session with my therapist saying that in 10 years, I did not want to look back at pictures of my current self and feel the way that I feel about my younger pictures... I want to genuinely love myself... so I'm guessing that is where we will start to work.

I also had a really successful meeting tonight. It was a Step Study, and we went over Step Two:

"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

The leader for the meeting spoke so openly about his 10 year experience in program, and it was so motivating to me. He just seemed so content, free and happy, and it gave me such a good feeling deep down inside. He spoke about how he defined balance in his life as though he was a leaf floating on the water, taking the course that was created for him. I really liked the thought of this. But most importantly, I liked when he spoke about The Spiritual Gap (the time between his feeling and his action).

At the beginning of my journey... there was no gap. I had a feeling, I ate, or acted out. Right now, I am able to pause, gain some understanding and allow my "Healthy Voice" to have some say and create a more reasonable action plan. The second step says that

"Our true insanity could be seen in the fact that we kept right on trying to find comfort in excess food, long after it began to cause us misery." (pg. 11 OA 12&12)

When I don't utilize my Spiritual Gap and let my HP have some say... I am going to fall right back in to an irrational, unbalanced and insane way of life... and I can no longer afford that.

With ALL that being said... Here are my AEIOU's

A- Yes
E- Rowing Machine for 30 minutes, and 1 hour of mindful meditation yoga :)
I- I started my day with a story from the Big Book, I went to therapy, I did some meditation, I intuitively listened to my body and nourished myself with 3 satisfying meals and two hearty snacks :)
O- I made 2 calls to newcomers, and had one call me back. I was able to guide him to the pod casts! I thanked the meeting leader, I took two numbers of fellows (this might have been more for me ;)). I authentically made amends to a friend over something I did a week ago when she brought it up to me.
U- Just for today, I can utilize my Spiritual Gap. This is the time that is in between my feelings and my actions. I can pause, gain some understanding, allow my HP to have a say in the matter, and then act!