Food Lists and New Shoes

I told you I'd be back ;)

Awhile ago, my sponsor asked me to create a Red, Yellow and Green Light food list to help me become more aware of Foods that are triggering for me, and to try to "Avoid" them when possible. I really lagged on this project, because I didn't want it to seem as though I couldn't have foods when I REALLY wanted them and felt like I was in a good enough place to have them. Even though she ASSURED me that this was not how it worked, I was not convinced.

Well, now that I am coming out of the BINGE ZONE and thinking outside of the food haze, I feel it is time to really start putting in some work. So, here is what I have so far.

Red Light Foods: These are foods That I ABSOLUTELY know I can not eat like a Lady. 

- Del Taco Drive Thru (To be honest... I think this should be on my abstinence... but I think I treat it that way in my head. I know for a fact that If I eat this I will not only binge, but I will purge). 

- Ice Cream (Cookie dough or anything with reeses' or chocolate/peanut butter mix) 

- Donuts, Pastries, Cakes, Loaf Cakes (essentially anything sweet and carby)

- French Fries!!!

- Ranch Dressing

Yellow Light Foods:

- Wheat Thins

- Cookies (those damn 100 calorie packs)

- Granola Bars

- Chocolate Covered Raisins

- Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches

- Peanut Butter straight from the Jar

- Reese's' Peanut Butter Cups

- Trail Mix

- Chips (Frito's scoops, tortilla chips, Pringles, hot Cheetos, BBQ flavored anything)

- Frosted Mini Wheats
- Graham Crackers

- Mini Bagels

- Mini Chocolates ("fun size")

- Pretzels, Bagels

- Cream Cheese

- Kettle korn

- Restaurant Pizza

- Mexican Food

Behaviors to be Aware of that could lead to binging:

- Going back for just "one more bite"

- Eating in Restaurants

- Going to Social Events

- The Snack Cabinet at work/internship

- Not having a large enough (or balanced) meal/snack

- Skipping meals or Restricting foods

- Going to the store late at night

- Hiding food

- Hovering at the Vending Machine

- Weighing myself

- Obsessively Meal Planning/ Calorie counting

- Soda

Green Light Foods:

- Any vegetable (except cooked Brussels sprouts... yuck)

- Any natural fruit 

- Sweet Potatoes, Brown Rice, Whole wheat pasta, quinoa, beans, lentils

-Eggs, veggie patties, tofu (baked), vegetarian sausage

-String cheese, Feta Cheese, Greek yogurt, soy milk, almond milk

- Kashi Cereal, Plain Oats, Multi grain waffles, Whole wheat Bagels, Mediterranean Flat bread, Gluten Free Granola, Whole wheat/ whole grain bread

-Avocados, and unsalted nuts (almonds, pistachios, macadamia, cashews)

- Soups

I'm sure I'm missing some things from my yellow light list... but I figure this isn't a "solid" body of work and it will continue to change. But this is what I have for now. 

In other news, I finally went and bought new running shoes today!!! I'm hoping this will help with the shin splints and cramping (although I still blame my binging on that one). I can officially say I am one of those "Crazy Runner Chicks".... I bought Two pairs of running shoes: One for daily use and One for speed work/races. Not only that... but this is the first time I haven't run in Nike's in YEAAAARS!!!!

Brooks Ravenna 4- My Everyday Runners

These shoes felt so comfortable, light weight and durable. The laces and heel are more of a lime green than they are in the picture... but either way, I am super excited to take these bad boys out for a test drive come Wednesday Morning :)

Saucony Grid Fastwitch- The speed demons :)

I tried these on and INSTANTLY fell in love with them. They are a light weight shoe, and it literally feels as though I was wearing NOTHING at all on my feet!!! I knew I had to have them... but I knew they would not work as an everyday shoe.

I was in a GREAT mood today, so I had the sales guy CRACKING up the entire 45 minutes. This was by far one of my greatest shoe shopping experiences EVER. I'm really sad that they are going to be closing that store down in July... I don't know how I will survive (driving to Thousand Oaks most likely).

OK, So I went to bed at 1:30am... got up at 6am... and it is now 10:30pm. I STILL have to do some homework... so I think that means it's time to wrap it up!

A- Yes

E- Ran 6.25 miles. Ran a random amount around the shoe store for 45 minutes trying on new running shoes

I- I began my day with prayer and meditation (5 minutes), did some writing, made myself a DELICIOUS dinner from LOVE, bought myself two new pairs of running shoes, went to a meeting, called a good friend because I was in the neighborhood

O- I entertained the Hell out of the shoe salesman ;), I reached out to two fellows and offered my strength and hope, put out the trash cans, encouraged my client to do more positive things for herself instead for others

U- Nighttime binging seems so much sexier because it's dark and I'm alone. But If I light a candle at night and say a prayer to my HP while I do my writing then the two of us can sit in the light and the unconditional love (not the raunchy infatuation) and trust that we can make it until morning :)

My meal Plan for tomorrow:

Breakfast: 3 egg whites, feta cheese, Flatbread, avocado and veggies (side of strawberries and grapes

Snack 1 Greek Yogurt, Banana and Coffee

Lunch: Oatmeal

Snack 2: Not sure :/

Dinner: Rice veggies and Tofu

WorkOut Plan:

Mindful Meditation for 1 hour, some rowing and I want to try some circuit trainings of Jump Roping 1 minute, 30 sit ups, 10 push ups, 30 squats, and 30 seconds in plank tomorrow. But we'll see how it goes ;)

GOOD NIGHT!

"Quick" Weekend Recap

Happy Monday!

Yes, I will lick you to death!!!

I just wanted to pop in very quickly and let everyone know that I am doing OK! I have just been VERY busy and not had time to update at all!!! I'm going to give you as quick a recap of my weekend as I can without boring you to death :)

Friday:

I finally got to run!!! It was slow and delicious! The morning was very rough and emotional (no details necessary, just know that I spent about an hour crying). I went to group therapy, talked it out and felt better :). Then went to the Suicide Prevention Center and got to help others and felt EVEN better... except for the fact that I had the WORSE migraine in the world (from crying like a big old baby). I went to rehearsal for Madrigals and then went to bed...

Saturday:

I woke up with the damn migraine (FAIL!!!). Went for another slow, and beautiful run :). Migraine went away (hooray!!!). Then spent the rest of the day at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire! It was closing weekend, so it was busy... but we had a LARGE group of singers and there was a lot of good mood in the air. This is the group I sing with. 

That's me, in the middle, sitting down. That Skirt is HEAVY!!!

After the faire Tyler and I hit the Jacuzzi and went to bed early.

Sunday:

I woke up bright and early to go to the Girls on the Run 5k event at the Rose Bowl. The event was really unorganized. I was never assigned a running buddy, so I designated myself as running buddy to EVERYONE! My favorite part of the race was the last half a mile. There was a young girl who wanted to stop running and I motivated her to finish strong and keep going! We both crossed the finish line together with Giant Smiles on our faces. Then I went to "Brunch" with my family and my cousin Lena who lives in San Jose. It was really nice! I haven't spent time with them in SOOO long (and the food was AMAZING: I had an egg white veggie omelet with avocado, 1 piece of wheat toast and some melon). Then I went home and took a nap before I had to go to work from 4pm-12:30am. I worked on a midterm and helped my clients. The end :)

The best part about all of this was I did it ABSTINENTLY. I also agreed on a Food Plan with my Sponsor. Since I've been struggling to just get in my 3 meals I decided to choose 3 meals and two optional snacks. I'm not sure if that counts on Race Days... but hey... It is, what it is. 

So far its working. I'm also still texting her when and what I eat. It's helping me be a lot more accountable with my food and making me pick better choices!

I'll come back later today with another post. Now, it's time to enjoy my LAST WEEK OF INTERNSHIP!!!

Binging over Procrastination Anxiety

Two whole grain waffles with butter, blueberries and syrup

Two pieces of cinnamon bread with peanut butter

Two large bowls of cheerios

A glass of soy milk (drank it... not with the cereal)

Wheathins (several handfuls) and cream cheese (at least 3 servings)

More Wheathins and a string cheese

The remainder of a canister of Barbecue Pringles (at least 2 servings)

An skinny cow ice cream bar

Greek yogurt

2 strawberries, and a banana, and a handful of berries

7 mini chocolate bars (milky ways, Baby Ruth's, Reeses' mini cups)

5 spoonfuls of peanut butter

A peanut butter and Jelly Sandwich (I might have made two at separate times... don't actually remember). 

2 handfuls of Chocolate covered raisins

A large slice of vegetarian pizza

A large salad with creamy Italian dressing and avocado

A sprite zero

a bottle of sparkling water

A yogurt granola bar

A Target "Monster" Granola Bar

A vegetarian sausage, a hot dog bun, tater tots and french fries (made that at home)

with barbecue sauce and creamy Italian dressing. 

This is what I remember eating today..... I'm sure there are some things that got lost in there that I cant remember. But as you can see... it is NOTHING pretty. The worst part is... this was all self inflicted torture because I waited until the last minute to start writing a paper.....

Hi, my name is Christina, and I am a Compulsive Overeater and Bulimic... and this is now I plan to live abstinently. I am going to bring recovery back into my life... starting right now and turn my will over to the Power of God, as I see Her, and start caring for the little girl in side me today that is begging to be treated right. I cant live like this anymore. I cant keep lying to friends, my sponsor, MYSELF!!! I keep trying to figure out... "WHY I CANT RUN!!!" and the answer is RIGHT in front of me.... The worst part is, all I wanted today was to be able to binge on the ice cream that's in the freezer... and now I don't even WANT it. 

Mentally- I hate am being very hard on myself. I don't like my body, I don't like the person I am behaving as, and I do not like the way I have been spending my life. It's as if there was an invasion of the body snatchers and I am living someone else's life

Physically- I feel heavy, I feel sluggish, and I feel as though I have gained 10 pounds in the last two weeks (hey.. it could happen). I do not feel comfortable in my own body, and I have NOT been treating it like a temple! I have horrible gas, and I am having trouble breathing too. I am a WRECK!!!

Spiritually- I have been tuning out all contact with my Higher Power! I have not been working my spiritual program at all. I stopped praying, I stopped writing, I stopped meditating and I stopped reading... which leave me with no genuine connection. 

As of RIGHT THIS MINUTE... I am choosing not to live this way anymore. I don't want the horrible bloating, the smelly and uncomfortable gas, the bed full of bread crumbs, the insanely chapped lips, the rawed out roof of my mouth, or the constant need to feel like I need more.

Just for today: I will seek to strengthen my relationship with my Higher Power. I know from experience that knowledge of my Higher Power's will provides a sense of clarity, direction, and peace. 

Here some AEIOU's for ya :)

A- Yes

E- None 

I- I skipped class in order to finish a paper, spent time with my mom, prayed, checked in with Friends and Family as needed, did not force myself to run

O- Offered financial help to a close friend (to help end her suffering), spoke to another friend about program for over an hour (yay new recruits), checked in on fellows who were on my mind

U- I am not alone, and noting is worth destroying my mental, physical and spiritual recovery over!!!

Free Hug Friday

So, I binged my ass off last night. After I wrote the post, I just couldn't fight it and went straight for the kitchen. I was still feeling really guilty about taking a chip for 30 days and it showed up in my foods :( I woke up feeling really yucky and confused and feeling like this was going to be a never ending cycle that I couldn't get out of. I was found myself scheming on ways to get foods (like leaving

I decided not to run today. Half because I was asleep from all the food, and Half because I wanted to rest my shins for one more day without torturing myself. (more the former than that latter), and although I am not "OK" with it... I am accepting it. I am still icing my shins, and am hoping to be back to performance ready Christina tomorrow :)

I made some REALLY good outreach calls and texts this morning when I was feeling insanely unstable, and I started to feel a little bit better. I have to hold on to anger, frustration and resentments the only person that I hurt is myself... because I am the one that gets the beat down, not the person, place or thing that I am "UPSET" with. The woman I spoke with suggested that I try praying for the things I am angry at as a productive way to handle my emotions. I really appreciated her making this suggestion, and I will try to remember to use it, because I feel that it will really help.

I went to group therapy, and it seemed like ALL of us were in this state. That weird "active in our addiction and not really wanting to do anything about it" phase. Well, more or less that we are in "crisis" and aren't willing to tap into our healthier methods of coping at this time. The theme seemed to be,

"I am frustrated with where I am at, because I am not where I want to be. Even if where I want to be is an unrealistic goal that NO ONE IN THE WORLD could achieve."

Add on a little self deprecation and constant comparison to others and you got a perfect recipe for an eating disorder. Each one of us was able to show kindness and compassion towards others, but we weren't able to do it for ourselves. So, for today, I am putting the stick down, and just going to be kind and gentle to myself in as many ways possible. 

I am going to ACCEPT and approve of my abstinence, I am going to continue to work on eating intuitive and consciously, I am going to continue to let go of my bulimia and work towards letting go of the binge eating. I am going to open my heart and my mind to calmness so that God can work through me to help me with my food. 

 I am also going to let go of

1. My negative self talk

2. My control of my weight

3. My hatred for my body (specifically my stomach and thighs)

4. The guy that flipped me off in his side view mirror on the freeway (it's really bugging me)

5. The Donuts that I keep telling myself I "NEED" to have

6. My shin splints

7. My idea of what my recovery SHOULD be

I walked out of group feeling a lot better and more accepting of the process that is recovery.. no matter what it means to me. On the way out I was talking to another member who is having trouble with something I went through with my old roommate/best friend and at the end of our talk there was this awkward moment where you could tell BOTH of us wanted to give each other a hug... but we were both hesitant. Thank Goodness she asked me and we were able to have a nice, caring embrace. It gave me the idea to start

FREE HUG FRIDAY! I am giving EVERYONE I come across a hug today... for no good reason :) It's making me feel SO much better.

I am not going to be near a computer later So I am going to commit my AEIOU's now :)

A- Yes

E- Nope... and damn proud of it!

I- I rested my body for one more day, I outreached to multiple fellows, I actively participated in group therapy.

O- It was free hug Friday... EVERYONE GOT FREE HUGS!!!, wished a fellow luck on their concert this evening, I helped two people in suicidal crisis, assisted an incoming Social work student

U-  The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

30 Days of Abstinence

I decided that this needed it's own posts... so lucky YOU gets TWO posts for the price of ONE!!! I'm writing to you from the delicious comfort of my bed, icing my poor shins :( They keep going in and out of pain, but I am trying to stay off them as much as possible, and do calf stretches when I remember.

Yes... I know I need a pedicure... thanks for noticing!!!

I'm sending nothing but prayers to the running Gods and my Higher Power that I can magically wake up healed and recovered tomorrow... but if that is not the case, I am willing to accept that I need to care for myself right now! I can always go to the gym at school before group therapy and use the bike again if I need to.

A midst all my drama over my shin splints and never being able to run again I completely ignored the fact that I got to take my 30 day chip at my OA meeting tonight!!! Chips are given for lengths of back to back abstinence in the OA program. After my "little slip" last month, and having to restart my abstinence, My sponsor and I decided that my new abstinence would be that I have to keep what I eat (aka... no purging, WHATSOEVER!!!). I am proud to report that I, Christina (a compulsive overeater and bulimic) have made it successfully through 32 days without making myself throw up!!!

Isn't she BEAUTIFUL!?!?!?!

I was really ambivalent about taking a chip for this abstinence, because I don't really feel as though I deserve it.I am, admittedly, ashamed of my abstinence. It is not what I WANT it to be. Like everything else in my life I WANT my abstinence to be complicated and require a lot of explanation and be so impressive to other people when I talk about it (this way, I always had a reason to binge/purge).
I WANT my abstinence to be: No binging, No purging. 3 meals and 3 snacks (one optional). I WANT my abstinence to be something that is completely unreasonable for me at this point. One day, my abstinence will be this... but for today my abstinence is that I have to keep what I eat. So, being that I spent the weekend and the beginning of the week binging, I did not feel that I deserved to take a chip.

The meditation for yesterday reminded that I have to be willing to let go of what I WANT, so that God can give me what I NEED! The trust is that No binging, no purging is NOT my abstinence yet, and there is a perfectly good reason for that. I have to learn to KEEP IT SIMPLE and be compassionate and forgiving towards myself. If that means that the first few months in my recovery can ONLY be with the purging... then that is where it needs to stay. After a lot of thought, I'm really happy that I took my chip, and I am proud that I have made the progress that I have and I am hopeful that in my own way, I will continue to make progress!

I have already put my 60th day in my calendar so I can just focus on recovery and life and not the days :)

I'm starting to feel a binge coming on so I'm going to do my AEIOU's and try to go to bed.

A- Yes :)
E- 19 minutes running (1.9miles) 36 minutes bike (10.02miles)
I- listened to my body, fueled myself appropriately, Took my 30 day chip!!! Got a new number (haven't done that in awhile)
O - I gave out a LOT of hugs today!!! Shared my Hope with a new comer, made outreach calls
U- My abstinence and my progress is something to be proud of, not ashamed of. I have come along way by being willing to turn over something to God (no matter how small).

Forced Break...

I'M NEVER GOING TO RUN AGAAAAAAAAAIN!!!!!!!

I need to write about this right now, because I'm feeling really overwhelmed by the sense of powerlessness I am feeling. I know I wrote yesterday about the fact that I wasn't able to complete my run because I began to get intense cramping in my calves and sharp shooting pains in my shins (shin splints... I'm assuming). At first I thought that I might be able to push through it, but by the time I hit mile 1.5 it became absolutely unbearable. I pushed it for as long as I could and finally realized that all I was going to do cause more harm that do good and hit the stop button on the machine (much against my will).

I almost immediately burst in to tears. I wish I could say that my tears were due to the physical pain... but they weren't. All I can imagine is that I am never going to be able to run again. Envisioning all of my upcoming races going out the window, all the dollar signs wasted, the hours of training for NOTHING, and me... sitting on my ass, getting fatter by the minute. I JUST WANT TO BREAK A SWEAT!!!!!!!

I feel extremely guilty. The last time I really ran was Friday right before I decided to check out of life and selfishly decided to binge instead of taking care of myself. I bowed out of Sunday and Monday and have now been forced out of running for the last two days. I feel like I brought this on myself. My selfish, slovenly "vacation" from life has now led to a forced "break". I, single handedly have caused my own pain and suffering. I know that this is not true, but it was the immediate feeling I had.

Not being able to run induces a lot of fear in me, because it has a lot of untrue meaning behind it.It means that I cannot undo the damage that I have been doing to my body all week. It means that I am going to get fat, it means that I need to restrict my food intake in order to compensate, it means that my life has no meaning, it means that I am weak, and most importantly that I am not PERFECT!!!

I automatically wanted to go to the food when I stopped. if I cant work out the way I WANT to, then why try being healthy at all?!?!The food is not worth compromising my health over. If I fuel myself with junk, I am going to see the effects in my training. So, I am going to create a recovery plan for myself

1. I am not going to run if I feel pain in my shins
2. I am going to start icing my shins at night and in the morning if necessary
3. Will take meds if necessary
4. Stick to the bike for now if I NEED to work out
5. Be compassionate about the fact that I need to take a break right now
6. BUY NEW SHOES this weekend :)

Time to get out of Self-Pity Mode...which means its time for GRATITUDE!!!

1. My willingness to heal myself mentally and physically
2. My mother's continued healing 
3. I get to take a 30 day chip at my favorite meeting tonight 
4. The ability to walk 
5. That I have a HP in my life 
6. That I have friends who make me laugh when I want to do is cry 
7. That I can be of service 8. That I live in Southern California with perfect weather 
9. I am A Bruin! 
10. Vending machine coffee that costs a dollar

Heads or Tails

As I'm sure you've figured out by the lack of blogging I've been doing... I'm going through a rough time. After writing on Saturday morning, I stayed in the food, and have really been unable to see past it. I have not broken my abstinence (keeping what I eat), but I most certainly have not been living abstinently. I have not been working out, I have not been taking care of myself and I have been eating like a 400lb line backer... NOT like a lady! I have been punishing myself for being a "Horrible Person" for long enough and it is time for it today.

The last couple of days all I have wanted to do is just "Check Out" of life. I have been really overwhelmed with feelings, and just general events going on in my life and all I wanted to do was not have to deal with anything. So, I did the only thing that I know works and I turned to the food. This makes it so much easier to just not have to participate in life. All I wanted was to hide under my blanket with a box of ANYTHING and just live there in misery. I didn't want to run, I didn't want be a social worker, I just wanted to throw myself a pity party (guest list of 1) and never have to be accountable or responsible for anything ever again.

So, that's what I did for all of Monday. I stayed in bed, slept, numbed out and just kept eating. I ate to the point that I knew I wasn't going to throw up, but I just kept eating. I was physically so uncomfortable that I COULD NOT BREATHE, and all I could think about was what I hadn't gotten to eat yet (and when I would be able to eat it again). It was sick, morbid and disgusting. I finally got out of bed to take my mom to her therapy group so I had about 3 hours where I wasn't eating, but I wanted to more than anything. I went home and made myself a fair dinner and then ate some cake and ice cream and lord knows what else along with it.

Yesterday (Tuesday) was also a struggle. My alarm went off at 6 and by 7... I was still under the covers not wanting to escape my "safe" cocoon of protection from the harsh realities of the world. That I make mistakes, that I get angry, that I don't like the person I am, that shit gets hard, that I'm a horrible student, that I am unworthy of love." I can shut all of that out and not have to show up for another day. But something inside of me (what I imagine to be my "healthy" voice) meekly and ever so quietly suggested that I get up, and go to my class. After all, I really like that class, and the students in it... so why wouldn't I go?!?!

I quickly showered, threw some food together and made my way out the door. I actually made it to class on time, but was still feeling exhausted and miserable. Through all 3 hours of the class I went back and forth on whether or not I was going to participate in the rest of my plans for the day. My body was screaming, aching, for me to go back home to my cocoon. I was eating good food, but I was constantly hungry and was unable to think about anything other than eating. I decided that I could no longer safely make the decision. I was ambivalent about E

Heads: I was going to go to the gym, my meditation class and my therapy session at 3:30pm

Tails: I was going to say FUCK it, take the $20 penalty and go right on home to my bed as soon as class ended.

 I was feeling extremely ambivalent about EVERYTHING. I wanted to go to the gym, because I knew it would make me feel better, but I was really tired and didn't feel like running. I wanted to go to mediation, because it's basically a giant nap, but I also wanted to use that time to go sit in the food court and stuff my face. I wanted to go to therapy, because I knew being honest with my therapist about what was going on was going to open up some new solutions that I was unable to see at that time. Both side were pulling me pretty hard, and a coin toss seemed like the only reasonable  way to solve my dilemma.

After sending off my coin toss suggestions to a friend so that she could actually make the decision for me something hit me like a ton of bricks.... The HEADS suggestion was my Healthy voice trying to fight for me to get back on track and the TAILS suggestion was my disease or my vulnerable self trying to get me isolated, alone and miserable so that it could have every opportunity to continue to rule my life. This was not going to be the answer to my problem. So, I choose to show up for all of my appointments. I did not do them perfectly, but I showed up.

I went to the gym and rowed for 15 minutes.... hey, its a start. Then I did meditation. After that I was feeling better and tried to run... I got .6 miles in and said Fuck it.. and then spent 7 miles on the bike. (Progress not perfection). By the time I got to therapy I was feeling much better. We talked about a lot of the things I was holding on to, and why I felt I needed to place myself in such a state of discomfort and I was able to realize that it was all over that damn text message. I knew I needed to do something about it or I was literally going to eat myself to death over it.

I was going to try and get to a meeting, but that didn't quite happen. I left school late and then ended up on the wrong freeway. I went home, sent a response that needed to be sent, and then gave myself one final binge. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is...

I woke up today still feeling exhausted and unready to just right back into my role. I didn't make it up to run, and I even woke up late for my internship. I was ready to start writing my novel, Christina, the Failure: Chapter 2. As I started taking my shower I came to realization that I was just setting myself up to fail again today. I wanted to eat a crappy breakfast, not pack a lunch so that I would have to go and buy unsatisfying food and eventually lead myself to yet another night of binging. I remember what the nutritionist and the therapist said about how "Getting back on track with food was the best way to overcome an eating disorder" and I made the decision to stop the violent cycle that I was running running with.

I text my preceptor and told him that I was running a little bit late today and would be in by 9:30am (and I was). I sat and had my usual breakfast (which I hadn't had since Saturday morning), and made myself a lunch that I could be proud to eat and that I wouldn't have to go to store and purchase. I made the conscious decision to fight my disease. I decided that I was going to start writing the script of my life, and not let my disease control how this story ends. With trust in the strength of my Higher Power, I was going to fight the things that seemed too powerful to overcome on my own. I am choosing to not be a victim of my disease, but a warrior in my own recovery.

I was able to make it through internship and had plans to go for a run before going to my evening meeting. My body is not very happy with me this week. I was not able to get up and go running this morning, so I opted to try and do a nice evening run when I got home from internship. I'm REALLY not an afternoon/evening runner... but I figured I needed to make it work. It literally felt like I was running with cinder blocks on my feet. My shins were on fire, and my calves were cramping and tight. It was the most painful mile I've ever run in my entire life. I finally decided to stop and just walk back home. I know that I haven't been treating my body the right way lately, and this was a big wake up call that I need to get back on track. I spent the rest of the evening doing light chores and stretching. We will try again tomorrow :(

Going to a meeting really helped me today. I didn't realize until I was talking to someone that I hadn't been to a meeting since THURSDAY!!! I haven't gone that long without a meeting since I started program. It always helps to ground me, and I'm really happy that I made it the one tonight. I found a lot of good from this meeting like:
- My abstinence has to have a separate life from everything else. It is separate from the emotions, separate from the people places and things that can influence me and it its own entity. This allows for there to be no confusion when it comes to the feelings and my abstinence
- Keep it simple. You're abstinence should be something that you can do for the rest of your life, anywhere at any time. This is the only way to have success. It has to be something that can last me the rest of my life and in any situation. For me right now that is: I will keep what I eat. My loose food plan is 3 meals and 3 snacks (1 optional for long run days). I realize that my food plan and my abstinence are also separate things... but I feel that I am ready to add this to my program. 

I feel strong about going to bed tonight and am happy that I have managed to pull off the "evil voice" headphones and could leave a healthy life for me today.

For Today: I have complete fate that, as I turn over what I want, God will give me what I need!

A- Yes! I have kept what I ate for 31 days :)
E- Tried to run 5 miles... got 2.15 in 26 minutes. Listened to my body when I started to have really bad shin and calf pains :(
I- I had compassion for myself. I got myself back on track. I choose to stick to my routine and go to internship late instead of setting myself up for failure and being on time. I let go of the anger and upset I was holding on to. I took the time to be with a good friend of mine. I listened to my body.
O- I reached out to a fellow who needed it (not knowing that she did), I spoke to a newcomer. I helped two of my clients. I helped my friend see that she is not alone.
U- My abstinence has to be separate from everything else in life. I can choose to either be a victim of my disease or the Warrior in my recovery. If I suit up and show up, God will take care of the things I need.