30 Days of Abstinence

I decided that this needed it's own posts... so lucky YOU gets TWO posts for the price of ONE!!! I'm writing to you from the delicious comfort of my bed, icing my poor shins :( They keep going in and out of pain, but I am trying to stay off them as much as possible, and do calf stretches when I remember.

Yes... I know I need a pedicure... thanks for noticing!!!

I'm sending nothing but prayers to the running Gods and my Higher Power that I can magically wake up healed and recovered tomorrow... but if that is not the case, I am willing to accept that I need to care for myself right now! I can always go to the gym at school before group therapy and use the bike again if I need to.

A midst all my drama over my shin splints and never being able to run again I completely ignored the fact that I got to take my 30 day chip at my OA meeting tonight!!! Chips are given for lengths of back to back abstinence in the OA program. After my "little slip" last month, and having to restart my abstinence, My sponsor and I decided that my new abstinence would be that I have to keep what I eat (aka... no purging, WHATSOEVER!!!). I am proud to report that I, Christina (a compulsive overeater and bulimic) have made it successfully through 32 days without making myself throw up!!!

Isn't she BEAUTIFUL!?!?!?!

I was really ambivalent about taking a chip for this abstinence, because I don't really feel as though I deserve it.I am, admittedly, ashamed of my abstinence. It is not what I WANT it to be. Like everything else in my life I WANT my abstinence to be complicated and require a lot of explanation and be so impressive to other people when I talk about it (this way, I always had a reason to binge/purge).
I WANT my abstinence to be: No binging, No purging. 3 meals and 3 snacks (one optional). I WANT my abstinence to be something that is completely unreasonable for me at this point. One day, my abstinence will be this... but for today my abstinence is that I have to keep what I eat. So, being that I spent the weekend and the beginning of the week binging, I did not feel that I deserved to take a chip.

The meditation for yesterday reminded that I have to be willing to let go of what I WANT, so that God can give me what I NEED! The trust is that No binging, no purging is NOT my abstinence yet, and there is a perfectly good reason for that. I have to learn to KEEP IT SIMPLE and be compassionate and forgiving towards myself. If that means that the first few months in my recovery can ONLY be with the purging... then that is where it needs to stay. After a lot of thought, I'm really happy that I took my chip, and I am proud that I have made the progress that I have and I am hopeful that in my own way, I will continue to make progress!

I have already put my 60th day in my calendar so I can just focus on recovery and life and not the days :)

I'm starting to feel a binge coming on so I'm going to do my AEIOU's and try to go to bed.

A- Yes :)
E- 19 minutes running (1.9miles) 36 minutes bike (10.02miles)
I- listened to my body, fueled myself appropriately, Took my 30 day chip!!! Got a new number (haven't done that in awhile)
O - I gave out a LOT of hugs today!!! Shared my Hope with a new comer, made outreach calls
U- My abstinence and my progress is something to be proud of, not ashamed of. I have come along way by being willing to turn over something to God (no matter how small).

Forced Break...

I'M NEVER GOING TO RUN AGAAAAAAAAAIN!!!!!!!

I need to write about this right now, because I'm feeling really overwhelmed by the sense of powerlessness I am feeling. I know I wrote yesterday about the fact that I wasn't able to complete my run because I began to get intense cramping in my calves and sharp shooting pains in my shins (shin splints... I'm assuming). At first I thought that I might be able to push through it, but by the time I hit mile 1.5 it became absolutely unbearable. I pushed it for as long as I could and finally realized that all I was going to do cause more harm that do good and hit the stop button on the machine (much against my will).

I almost immediately burst in to tears. I wish I could say that my tears were due to the physical pain... but they weren't. All I can imagine is that I am never going to be able to run again. Envisioning all of my upcoming races going out the window, all the dollar signs wasted, the hours of training for NOTHING, and me... sitting on my ass, getting fatter by the minute. I JUST WANT TO BREAK A SWEAT!!!!!!!

I feel extremely guilty. The last time I really ran was Friday right before I decided to check out of life and selfishly decided to binge instead of taking care of myself. I bowed out of Sunday and Monday and have now been forced out of running for the last two days. I feel like I brought this on myself. My selfish, slovenly "vacation" from life has now led to a forced "break". I, single handedly have caused my own pain and suffering. I know that this is not true, but it was the immediate feeling I had.

Not being able to run induces a lot of fear in me, because it has a lot of untrue meaning behind it.It means that I cannot undo the damage that I have been doing to my body all week. It means that I am going to get fat, it means that I need to restrict my food intake in order to compensate, it means that my life has no meaning, it means that I am weak, and most importantly that I am not PERFECT!!!

I automatically wanted to go to the food when I stopped. if I cant work out the way I WANT to, then why try being healthy at all?!?!The food is not worth compromising my health over. If I fuel myself with junk, I am going to see the effects in my training. So, I am going to create a recovery plan for myself

1. I am not going to run if I feel pain in my shins
2. I am going to start icing my shins at night and in the morning if necessary
3. Will take meds if necessary
4. Stick to the bike for now if I NEED to work out
5. Be compassionate about the fact that I need to take a break right now
6. BUY NEW SHOES this weekend :)

Time to get out of Self-Pity Mode...which means its time for GRATITUDE!!!

1. My willingness to heal myself mentally and physically
2. My mother's continued healing 
3. I get to take a 30 day chip at my favorite meeting tonight 
4. The ability to walk 
5. That I have a HP in my life 
6. That I have friends who make me laugh when I want to do is cry 
7. That I can be of service 8. That I live in Southern California with perfect weather 
9. I am A Bruin! 
10. Vending machine coffee that costs a dollar

Heads or Tails

As I'm sure you've figured out by the lack of blogging I've been doing... I'm going through a rough time. After writing on Saturday morning, I stayed in the food, and have really been unable to see past it. I have not broken my abstinence (keeping what I eat), but I most certainly have not been living abstinently. I have not been working out, I have not been taking care of myself and I have been eating like a 400lb line backer... NOT like a lady! I have been punishing myself for being a "Horrible Person" for long enough and it is time for it today.

The last couple of days all I have wanted to do is just "Check Out" of life. I have been really overwhelmed with feelings, and just general events going on in my life and all I wanted to do was not have to deal with anything. So, I did the only thing that I know works and I turned to the food. This makes it so much easier to just not have to participate in life. All I wanted was to hide under my blanket with a box of ANYTHING and just live there in misery. I didn't want to run, I didn't want be a social worker, I just wanted to throw myself a pity party (guest list of 1) and never have to be accountable or responsible for anything ever again.

So, that's what I did for all of Monday. I stayed in bed, slept, numbed out and just kept eating. I ate to the point that I knew I wasn't going to throw up, but I just kept eating. I was physically so uncomfortable that I COULD NOT BREATHE, and all I could think about was what I hadn't gotten to eat yet (and when I would be able to eat it again). It was sick, morbid and disgusting. I finally got out of bed to take my mom to her therapy group so I had about 3 hours where I wasn't eating, but I wanted to more than anything. I went home and made myself a fair dinner and then ate some cake and ice cream and lord knows what else along with it.

Yesterday (Tuesday) was also a struggle. My alarm went off at 6 and by 7... I was still under the covers not wanting to escape my "safe" cocoon of protection from the harsh realities of the world. That I make mistakes, that I get angry, that I don't like the person I am, that shit gets hard, that I'm a horrible student, that I am unworthy of love." I can shut all of that out and not have to show up for another day. But something inside of me (what I imagine to be my "healthy" voice) meekly and ever so quietly suggested that I get up, and go to my class. After all, I really like that class, and the students in it... so why wouldn't I go?!?!

I quickly showered, threw some food together and made my way out the door. I actually made it to class on time, but was still feeling exhausted and miserable. Through all 3 hours of the class I went back and forth on whether or not I was going to participate in the rest of my plans for the day. My body was screaming, aching, for me to go back home to my cocoon. I was eating good food, but I was constantly hungry and was unable to think about anything other than eating. I decided that I could no longer safely make the decision. I was ambivalent about E

Heads: I was going to go to the gym, my meditation class and my therapy session at 3:30pm

Tails: I was going to say FUCK it, take the $20 penalty and go right on home to my bed as soon as class ended.

 I was feeling extremely ambivalent about EVERYTHING. I wanted to go to the gym, because I knew it would make me feel better, but I was really tired and didn't feel like running. I wanted to go to mediation, because it's basically a giant nap, but I also wanted to use that time to go sit in the food court and stuff my face. I wanted to go to therapy, because I knew being honest with my therapist about what was going on was going to open up some new solutions that I was unable to see at that time. Both side were pulling me pretty hard, and a coin toss seemed like the only reasonable  way to solve my dilemma.

After sending off my coin toss suggestions to a friend so that she could actually make the decision for me something hit me like a ton of bricks.... The HEADS suggestion was my Healthy voice trying to fight for me to get back on track and the TAILS suggestion was my disease or my vulnerable self trying to get me isolated, alone and miserable so that it could have every opportunity to continue to rule my life. This was not going to be the answer to my problem. So, I choose to show up for all of my appointments. I did not do them perfectly, but I showed up.

I went to the gym and rowed for 15 minutes.... hey, its a start. Then I did meditation. After that I was feeling better and tried to run... I got .6 miles in and said Fuck it.. and then spent 7 miles on the bike. (Progress not perfection). By the time I got to therapy I was feeling much better. We talked about a lot of the things I was holding on to, and why I felt I needed to place myself in such a state of discomfort and I was able to realize that it was all over that damn text message. I knew I needed to do something about it or I was literally going to eat myself to death over it.

I was going to try and get to a meeting, but that didn't quite happen. I left school late and then ended up on the wrong freeway. I went home, sent a response that needed to be sent, and then gave myself one final binge. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is...

I woke up today still feeling exhausted and unready to just right back into my role. I didn't make it up to run, and I even woke up late for my internship. I was ready to start writing my novel, Christina, the Failure: Chapter 2. As I started taking my shower I came to realization that I was just setting myself up to fail again today. I wanted to eat a crappy breakfast, not pack a lunch so that I would have to go and buy unsatisfying food and eventually lead myself to yet another night of binging. I remember what the nutritionist and the therapist said about how "Getting back on track with food was the best way to overcome an eating disorder" and I made the decision to stop the violent cycle that I was running running with.

I text my preceptor and told him that I was running a little bit late today and would be in by 9:30am (and I was). I sat and had my usual breakfast (which I hadn't had since Saturday morning), and made myself a lunch that I could be proud to eat and that I wouldn't have to go to store and purchase. I made the conscious decision to fight my disease. I decided that I was going to start writing the script of my life, and not let my disease control how this story ends. With trust in the strength of my Higher Power, I was going to fight the things that seemed too powerful to overcome on my own. I am choosing to not be a victim of my disease, but a warrior in my own recovery.

I was able to make it through internship and had plans to go for a run before going to my evening meeting. My body is not very happy with me this week. I was not able to get up and go running this morning, so I opted to try and do a nice evening run when I got home from internship. I'm REALLY not an afternoon/evening runner... but I figured I needed to make it work. It literally felt like I was running with cinder blocks on my feet. My shins were on fire, and my calves were cramping and tight. It was the most painful mile I've ever run in my entire life. I finally decided to stop and just walk back home. I know that I haven't been treating my body the right way lately, and this was a big wake up call that I need to get back on track. I spent the rest of the evening doing light chores and stretching. We will try again tomorrow :(

Going to a meeting really helped me today. I didn't realize until I was talking to someone that I hadn't been to a meeting since THURSDAY!!! I haven't gone that long without a meeting since I started program. It always helps to ground me, and I'm really happy that I made it the one tonight. I found a lot of good from this meeting like:
- My abstinence has to have a separate life from everything else. It is separate from the emotions, separate from the people places and things that can influence me and it its own entity. This allows for there to be no confusion when it comes to the feelings and my abstinence
- Keep it simple. You're abstinence should be something that you can do for the rest of your life, anywhere at any time. This is the only way to have success. It has to be something that can last me the rest of my life and in any situation. For me right now that is: I will keep what I eat. My loose food plan is 3 meals and 3 snacks (1 optional for long run days). I realize that my food plan and my abstinence are also separate things... but I feel that I am ready to add this to my program. 

I feel strong about going to bed tonight and am happy that I have managed to pull off the "evil voice" headphones and could leave a healthy life for me today.

For Today: I have complete fate that, as I turn over what I want, God will give me what I need!

A- Yes! I have kept what I ate for 31 days :)
E- Tried to run 5 miles... got 2.15 in 26 minutes. Listened to my body when I started to have really bad shin and calf pains :(
I- I had compassion for myself. I got myself back on track. I choose to stick to my routine and go to internship late instead of setting myself up for failure and being on time. I let go of the anger and upset I was holding on to. I took the time to be with a good friend of mine. I listened to my body.
O- I reached out to a fellow who needed it (not knowing that she did), I spoke to a newcomer. I helped two of my clients. I helped my friend see that she is not alone.
U- My abstinence has to be separate from everything else in life. I can choose to either be a victim of my disease or the Warrior in my recovery. If I suit up and show up, God will take care of the things I need.

Progress Not Perfection!!

Hi, My name is Christina and I'm a Compulsive Overeater and Bulimic. I binged my ASS off last night, but I didn't throw up!!! I know this sounds weird, but I'm actually really proud of this fact. For Today: This is my progress on this journey through recovery that I am taking and I accept myself just as I am.

I am reminded of my disease almost every hour of everyday. It may not sound pleasant, but it is my reality. My reality today is that I binged liked a fiend last night because I was feeling really overwhelmed by some uncontrollable circumstances in my life yesterday. Instead of focusing on the negatives and the fear (I'm going to gain weight, I'm a failure, I am not worthy of empathy, acceptance, forgiveness and love from those around me), I am going to try and focus on the positives

- I did not break my ABSTINENCE
- I did not throw up
- I woke up today and ate my breakfast as usual
- I made 4 outreach calls to people in program to try and beef up my support
- I planned abstinent meals for the day
- I was able to get out of my own head and own my behaviors so that I can try and change them.

When I first woke up this morning, I was really upset and disgusted with myself. I felt horrible, because I littered the beautiful temple that is my body with nothing but junk for several hours last night (On and Off from about 8-12). I woke up overheated, I had a headache and all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and just lie around feeling sorry for myself all day. I want to remain in the misery that I had began feeling yesterday. I also did not get up and go running today. My body is still very tired from the week, and I feel that getting up to run 6 miles this morning would have been more of an act of me trying to "Undo" what I had done to my body last night.

It is important for me to remember that there is nothing I can do to "Undo" the binging I did last night. It happened, and there just have to be some consequences:

- I'm uncomfortable
- I am disappointed in myself
- I feel bloated, and have gas
- Overall all, I just feel BLAH!!!

All things that are temporary and will eventually pass IF I LET THEM. But if I beat myself up, try to ruminate on it and let it hold a large place in my heart... I will end up wildly upset. I was reading another blog yesterday and I came across a quote that said:

Not any one thing can break my journey, but every one thing builds my journey.

This is the message that I must practice today. This was a little slip, and not anything that I cant recover from :). I will send in my AEIOU's later today.

God. Grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference. Please help guide me to do the next right thing, and help give me the strength to do something differently today. I am powerless in my disease and I trust that you can do for me what I am unable to do for myself (love myself, forgive myself, treat myself with compassion). I pray you give me the strength to make it through this day abstinently. Amen.  

Abstinence is my #1 Priority

Today has been an interesting day (although I suppose they all are). I had a HORRIBLE night of sleep last night. I went to bed around 11:30, and was WIDE awake at 1:30 (I had to pee). I managed to get back to sleep, but I kept having intrusive food thoughts about what I was going to eat today... WTF?!?! At 3:00am...I was wide awake and could not stop meal planning for myself. I tried talking to my Higher Power, asking him to relieve me of the obsession, and grant me the ability to quiet my mind so that I could do his will and be of service today... but I got NADA!!! I'm sure I eventually drifted off, but from then until 5:45... I might as well have not been asleep :(

I woke up early, because I had to get in my long run for the week. I knew that if I was having intrusive thoughts in my sleep, then they were FOR SURE going to try and infiltrate my run. I decided to write out a quick meal plan before heading out, and I felt MUCH better. It was humid, dry and awkward out this morning, so I was a little uncomfortable throughout my run (I always had to use the bathroom from mile 3-9.3.... NOT cute). But, I did some reading before I headed out so I had things to keep my mind preoccupied.Today's focus was Gratitude, Freedom, and Mistakes. I thought this was an interesting combination, but started out with a Gratitude list, and I found that I have A LOT of things to be thankful for. But I started doing something kinda funny with the list. Every time I mentioned something I was grateful for, it always had a judgmental twist. For example:

I'm grateful for the fact that I have an amazing neighborhood to run in EVEN THOUGH people cant drive

or

I'm grateful to be attending the school of my dreams, EVEN THOUGH I have to sit in traffic every day!

It was the strangest thing!!! I feel like this is how I approach most things in life... "Provisionally". Like there is always a stipulation to what is going on. For example, the recent ambivalence I have been feeling about my joy lately. I want to truly enjoy it, but am letting the fear of losing it impede on my happiness. Or the fact that I have a really difficult time accepting when good things happen to me and always have to look for the negative. Its not a really good way to go about life, and I am going to have to start trying to make changes to this point of view... but for today I can just be aware of it.

Anywhoo, I made it through my miles, but I was left feeling dehydrated, grumpy and totally exhausted. I headed off to group therapy. I made some outreach calls and texts on my way in and  I started to feel much better. Group therapy was really good and interactive today. Everyone had a lot of wonderful input which made for an exciting deal. But my most favorite part was starting with the Meditation. This is where we sit for about 7 minutes and become aware of the room, do a mental body scan and try to get rid of any judgments we are feeling and then practice saying positive affirmations to ourselves. We start every session this way, and as the weeks have gone by, mine have gotten progressively better. The first time we did the exercise, I had absolutely NO details in my face. I could see every pock mark, dimple and horrible blemish in my thighs and my body was completely distorted... but I had NO FACE!!! Even why I tried to focus and create one, I simply could not do it. The next time was pretty much the same and I was beginning to get a little weirded out by the whole things. I would try to think about what it meant, and the best that I could come up with was that I just felt that I wasn't deserving of having facial features. That I was such an unworthy person... that even my mental image of myself did not really have an identity.

Well, today during our meditation.. I HAD A FACE!!! It wasn't completely detailed, but I could see my eyes, smile and the outline of my other features. I was really excited!!! The other parts of my body are starting to look more "realistic" (although... its my perception so who know how "real" it is), and I had only minimal bad things to say about it. When we got to the part where we were suppose to "let go" of our judgments... I was able to imagine that each one was a balloon, and I literally imagined myself letting them go and fly off into the distance. It was a beautiful experience. I think I might start to try and use this meditation more in my own daily life... perhaps with the way I start my day when I wake up. It felt really freeing and left a really good feeling in my body :).

After group, I went back to feeling dehydrated (I had left my water in the car on accident and drank a TON of coffee) and a little icky. So I've been taking it easy for most of the afternoon  and drinking plenty of fluids.

I finally got to do some reading today as part of my meditation and this was the "Just for today" for March 3, 2013.

Just for Today: Nothing gives me more strength than my abstinence. It is the NUMBER ONE necessity in my life.

This is really resonating with me today. Even though I stated that I was going to try to stop obsessing about my days of abstinence, it has recently become somewhat of a big deal for me. Today is day # 26 of my new abstinence, that I will KEEP WHAT I EAT. This is a pretty big deal in a lot of ways. Last month, it was day 27 (also a Saturday) that I made the decision to break my previous abstinence. So, I'm a little superstitious about repeating the same mistake. Although I have not had ANY desire to purge, my desire to overeat and binge has been creeping in slowly. I know that the two are not linked, but they often go hand in hand. I know that they only way to really recover is to break the cycle. For me, that means that I need to work extra hard (or maybe that my Higher Power needs to work extra hard) to try and maintain my abstinence. And for me, right now, that means not over eating... because right now I feel that it could lead to  So I feel that for the rest of the weekend, I need EXTRA reminders about how important protecting my abstinence is. So, essentially, this was the perfect message for today.

I have to work and be busy all weekend which means I am away from home a lot, I wont be able to go to ANY meetings and life is going to be high stress... and you know what NONE OF THESE IS AN EXCUSE TO OVEREAT AND BREAK MY ABSTINENCE. I am going to focus on listening to Podcasts, doing reading, and just remembering to live for today. Abstinence is a tool, not a good, and it is something that is helping to make me feel better... NOT A PUNISHMENT :)

So For today, I will feed myself and NOT my disease!

I got to end my day by being of service to someone who has served as a mentor to me in the program. I got to help her get through a really rough and scary times... times that I know will come and go for both of us. It felt really good, because in that moment I was thinking about coming home and binging myself. She may think that I was of service to her tonight... but really... she just was just of service to me.

Time for AEIOU's!!!

A- Yes. By the Grace of my Higher Power I kept what I ate for one more day
E- Ran 9.3miles (1:20 minutes)
I- I outreached all over the place (called and text everybody), went to group therapy and shared, fueled and hydrated myself properly, spent some MUCH needed time with my other half, placed my abstinence first, did writing and reading
O- I was of service to two fellows (one in crisis and one who I just needed to share some strength), volunteered at the Suicide Prevention Center, shared recovery tools with a friend
U- When I want to go to the food, it is usually because there is something I am trying to avoid dealing with. Today, I wanted to avoid intimacy with the person I love the most and feelings of inadequacy. I do not have eat over these feelings, just admit they are there, accept them for what they are and challenge myself to feel them. The discomfort will dissipate and I can remain abstinent, and this is the NUMBER ONE thing in my life today :)

God, please help me protect the most precious gift you have given me. Help guide me to do thy will, so that I may be of service to others and strengthen my recovery. Help me do they will, ALWAYS! Amen. 

Think. Pray. Act.

Today has been somewhat of a long and complicated day. Long in the sense that I did not sleep well, and I have been on the go since 6am... complicated in the sense that I really do just tend to make things much for difficult for myself. Such is the nature of my disease. I have a lot of things I want to talk about, but I am really tired so I am only going to pick ONE topic, and then do my AEIOU's so that I can go to sleep.

One of my best friends in the whole entire world (I only have 3) is going through a really rough time right now. She lost a family member in a tragic and freak accident and her supervisior (who has the professionalism of a band of monkeys) has practically retraumatized her by being one of the most insensitive and incorrigable people on the face of the planet. Let me follow this up by saying that this supervisor has a history of acting this way, and has built a HORRIBLE reputation with me... a woman whom she has NEVER MET!!! I did not even know that it was possible to have such strong negative feelings about someone and have absolutely no idea what they look like. More important than my ill feelings (notice how hard I am working to not use the word "H" word in collaboration with my May Goals), is the fact that my best friend, whom I would take a bullet for, is hurting physically and emotionally right now, and I am not able to be there for her in the way that I want to be there for her.

My immediate response was to tell her to put in her two weeks notice with her job, and that I would pay her whatever she would have been making at her job to come keep my mother company and help her. I was (and still am) ready to empty out my bank account so that my friend does not have to suffer unnecessarily any longer under the power of her supervisor. When I ended the conversation with my friend, I found myself really wanting to go to the food. My vulnerable voice kept trying to convince me that I hadn't eaten enough protein or fats today and that I needed to add more to my oatmeal, and then I could not choose an evening snack to save my life. None of the choices I was making were safe ones, and I knew would only lead to a binge and potential purge session.

When I took a step back and thought about why I was willing to start pushing the boundaries on my abstinence, I realized its because my idea of "helping" my friend is solving all of her problems for her in order to control the amount of pain she is feeling. I am completely out of control in the situation, I feel extremely guilty that I can not physically be present for her, and I am uncomfortable with anyone... especially the person I care about feeling hurt. Also I am PISSED at her supervisor for being such a horrible person, and there is NOTHING I can do about that either....

I feel powerless, helpless and like I am a horrible friend. But what I have to remember is that it is not my responsibility to solve her problems for her. It's not even HER responsibility. This is something that I have to let God do for me... because I can not. So I am going to openly give this one over to my Higher Power and let him take the wheel. I am going to be there for my best friend the only way I know how. To call her, talk to her, offer her active listening and not advice, love her unconditionally and to make her laugh as much as possible!!! My gift is the gift of laughter... and MAN am I good at it.

So that is all I have to say on that.

A- Yes... by the Grace of my Higher Power
E- ran 4.25miles (34minutes) , rowed 2000m (12 minutes) , walked .5 miles briskly (6 minutes) and did some abs and push ups. (total of an hour long work out)
I- I vented (honestly) about things that were bothering me, I opened myself up to learning new things, I accepted the fact that I am powerless over the pain of my best friend, I gave over the ability to solve her problems to my Higher Power (for he can do for me what I can not do for myself.
O- Shared my gift of fellowship with a friend who is struggling outside of the program, I was present and attentive to my best friend, I surprised my grandparents, I gave a ride home to a fellow in need, gave a short massage to a colleague just for the heck of it ;)
U- Any time that things feel out of control, or I find myself wanting to go to the food I just have to remember 3 little words; Think, Pray, Act. Think about my abstinence, and what it would mean to compromise it. Pray for the ability to get through whatever it is I am dealing with. And take Action by using any of the tools. If I find that I am still consumed by the obsession just put on repeat, trying a different action. This is a full proof plan to remaining abstinent :)


God, thank you for the gift of abstinence for yet another day. Please help me to continue by granting me acceptance of you will and way of life and continue to guide me down your path. Please continue to do for me what I am unable to do for myself. Amen

Starting Over/ May Goals

Happy May 1st!!!

Some people may look at today as a chance to "Start Over" or put into action some sort of change that they have been contemplating for some time. I can not tell you the countless Mondays and 1st of the Months I have vowed that to eat cleaner, exercise more efficiently, stop binging on fattening/decadent foods and of course that I will NEVER throw up again. Sometimes making this proclamation gave me enough motivation to get through the day, or even a couple if I was doing really well... but regardless it was always followed by a very large and painful binge and purge session that would drag me to the next Monday or the next Month.

This is not the case for me today, because there is nothing for me to start over with :) As my therapist helped me to point at yesterday, I am in a really good place and doing exceedingly well in my recovery. As I mentioned yesterday, this does not mean that I get to "slack off" or that my work is done, but it does mean that just for today, I do NOT have to "Start Over".

This is a strange feeling for me. I am just overcome with joy... which automatically takes me to a place of fear. I'm so uncomfortable feeling good about myself or my situation and I usually do something or find someway to make those positive feelings go away. It's as if my vulnerable/disease mind says, "Nothing this good can last forever, so why even let yourself feel this? You just shouldn't get use to this." Part of what my Vulnerable self said is true, that no feeling can last forever. "This too shall pass" includes both negative AND positive emotions. But that does not mean that I should enjoy having  good days and experience the bad days. If I live in fear of losing this Joy... I am only going to end up disappointed and upset. So, for today, I can enjoy my Joy and hold on to the good that it has knowing that tomorrow is another day and I might feel different.

That being said, I have decided that I want to set up some goals for myself for the Month of May. Nothing too crazy, but something to track my progress :).

Goals for May!!!

1. Keep What I Eat/ No Throwing Up No Matter WHAT! I feel like this goes without saying... but we can all use a little reminder every now and then, No?! The only way to break the cycle of my disease is to stop purging. And since this is my abstinence and I want to gain more chips... I have to start making this happen on a more consecutive basis. 

2. Try to Eliminate the word HATE from my vocabulary. Today has been some what of an irritating day as far as my internship goes, and I found myself using the word HATE a lot... and I realize that this is a VERY toxic emotion to have hanging around me. So, from now on, I am going to try to catch myself when I begin to want to use this term (or do use this term) and replace it with either a less offensive word... or even the LOOOOVE word :)

3. Gain Strength and Pride Without the use of the scale. I know that I've been talking this one to death lately, but a very big part of my recovery lies in my ability to not rely on my weight as a measure of my worth. For now, I do not need to know what I weigh. I am not going to get "restrictive" with it and say that I CANT weigh myself ever again... but for now, I want to explore who I am WITHOUT the number and learn to accept and eventually love her

4. Provide one positive affirmation to my body every morning. Until I learn to appreciate and love my body, I will not be able to make any lasting changes. I have already started incorporating this into my routine, but I am hoping to make it a lasting activity. When I shower I thank my legs for all the things that they have helped me accomplish, I tell my stomach that I am grateful that it helps keep me nourished. I thank my arms for the support and my calves for the motivation they give me. I am not able to love my body as a whole set yet, but I can appreciate its components until then. 

5. Keep using my resources wisely. This means keep showing up for therapy (individual and group), going to meetings, being of service, using the tools that OA provides me and doing the 10,000 pages of reading available to me. Keep making calls, text and checking in with my sponsor regularly.. Even Especially when I don't want to. 

6. Leave my internship gracefully. I have had a lot of ups and downs with my internship, and in some funky ways I am sad yet insanely excited to see it come to a close. But, I have to remember to keep professional and not leave with a bad taste in my mouth about it. (I think I see a gratitude list coming on soon).

I know there are more things involved with my May Goals... but this seems like enough. The rest of my day went pretty well. I had a great run, went to a great meeting and got to be of service, and even spent some time with a really good friend of mine from High School who I haven't seen since the summer. I got to share a lot with him, which left me feeling really vulnerable and overwhelmed, and I automatically wanted to go to the food... Instead I got out of my own head and made some phone calls/text messages and I am feeling much better. 

That being said, I still have a lot to do tonight, so I am going to say good night, and give you my AEIOU's for this lovely May Day. 

A-Yes. Abstinence is the most important thing, no matter what!!!

E- Ran 6.56 miles (54 minutes)

I- Did my daily reading, Set loose goals for the month of May, Checked in my foods, Shared my Joy at a meeting, Placed principles before personalities (even though I didn't want to), Called/text people when I was feeling weak, allowed myself to experience Joy, Fed myself mindfully and did not trip over eating outside of my comfort zone (aka... adjusted when needed), enjoyed an evening with an old friend. 

O- I helped a newcomer get to a meeting, checked in a past client who I thought was in jail and wasn't, was present and available to a friend in need, checked in on 2 fellows, meditated love to those I do not feel it for. 

U- It is May 1st and I do not have to start over today!!! Having fear of losing a positive feeling is irrational. All emotions come and go at some point, and we should appreciate and accept them and not be so quick to give them away. 

God, I pray that you help me stay abstinent for another day, help guide me to do they will always, and do for me what I am unable to do for myself. Amen.