The Weeks Recap

Happy Good Friday!!!

This is my "Spring Break" week... but to be honest, I do not feel like I got much of a break. I have been so busy getting to meetings, going to appointments, running, having interviews and being there for people in my life that there really wasn't much time for relaxation. Please, do not take this as me complaining... at this point in my life, I am happy to have so many commitments and exciting things to be a part of. I just wish that I could have slept past 6am at least ONCE this week!

Well, Today was that day... and it felt GREAT to sleep in until 8:15!!! Before we get to today... lets have a short recap of my week

Monday: I had to go to internship for supervision and a meeting about our Wednesday trip. Too bad my supervisor didn't show up, the rest of my team ran late and it was super unnecessary for me to be there. I did get to go for a run by myself, a short walk with mom, and a hike with Tyler all before going to a meeting. I had some trouble getting there, because the location had moved. Instead of freaking out and heading home to binge, I initiated some contrary action and called a fellow and got to the meeting. Stayed after to have tea with that fellow until 10pm and really enjoyed myself

Tuesday: I was talked in to going to a 7:30am meeting, that I REALLY enjoyed. I even SHARED :). Then I went to UCLA for my first therapy appointment with Dr. Gia Marson. I really liked her, and got a lot out of the hour I spent with her. I'm looking forward to meeting her again over the next few weeks. Then I went on a hike with Marlene at Runyon Canyon. This is when my trouble this week stared. I kept getting this disgusting nauseous feeling that would not go away... except when I ate! My disease was trying to trick me... but I would not let it get the best of me. I went to bed very early to try to have it pass.

Wednesday:I woke up, went for a shitty run (because I was still feeling nauseous and exhausted) and then went to internship for our kids beach trip. I also decided to stop taking the CLA (a stupid vitamin that is suppose to help eliminate fat from the body). I'm pretty sure that it is what was making me nauseous... and to be honest... I DON'T NEED IT!!! Plus, I feel like it is making me not keep program. In my mind I thought of it as "This would be like an alcoholic still drinking beer instead of just hard liquor". Since, I have seen a VAST improvement with my tummy troubles. I went to a 6pm meeting and even shared again :). Since I was still in pukey agony I went to bed early to prep for my interview at San Fernando Valley DMH

Thursday: Oh man, was this a day. I woke up for another 7:30 meeting, and met a wonderful woman who just celebrated 6 years of abstinence. She gave me such great hope and some sound suggestions that made my heart melt. Then I went for a good run at Balboa park... my favorite running spot. Then I had to get ready for my 2nd year placement interview. I was trying to stay focused on my excitement rather than my nerves... and I was doing pretty well, until I found out that I was interviewing with a panel of field instructors. This kinda threw me off, and I don't feel like it went the way I really wanted it to, but hopefully they saw something in me that they liked and feel like I would be a good intern for them (because I WOULD!!!). After that I helped Tyler take care of his brakes (which took forever) and then went to a SECOND meeting. I asked someone to temporarily sponsor me, and she gave me the homework of reading Chapter one from the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. This step is all about admitting that we are powerless over food and that our lives had become unmanageable. IT sounds so much simpler that it really is... but I will to that more in another post.

Today is Friday, and I could not be happier :) I slept in until 8:15, went for a solid run, and am now doing some service at the suicide prevention center. After my shift we are going out to dinner at one of the Family's favorite Deli's. I have already decided that I am going to order the build your own salad with a side of vegetables in order to keep myself from picking foods that may trigger me to binge. I am also excited, because I have the next 3 days off and ALL TO MYSELF to do with what I please :). I may actually get to have a spring break after all :)

I am a little nervous about the fact that Easter is coming up and I am going to be around my family, which means a lot of unsafe food territory. I still have to try and plan out my meals for the day in order to keep myself in program. I am planning to go to an early meeting and then do my long run before heading out to be with family, so I think I will be OK... but I know my disease can be cunning and baffling so I can not afford to let my self slip :/.

I have also been thinking a lot about the fact that I am still hiding my recovery from the majority of my family. Part of the program is to look at our character defects and work with our Higher Power to relieve ourselves of them. One of my defects is my dishonest and manipulation of other people in my life, particularly my family and loved ones. So, it is hard for me to keep this wonderful thing from my family because I feel as though it is enabling my defects. I'm not sure when, or how, I will tell my family. I have toyed around with talking to my mother about it AFTER I have hit the 30 day mark, but that is coming up pretty soon (I am on day 19 of my abstinence... WHOO HOO!!!), so I'm not sure that I am ready to do that just yet. I am going to pray about it, and maybe do some writing on it over the next couple days and see what solutions come to me.

I just had a wonderful thing happen to me while at the call center. I was talking to one of the other volunteers about racing (she is also a runner and doing the Hollywood Half Marathon next weekend) and we were talking about strength training and cross training as part of our programs and I mentioned how I need to do more upper body and core work to help improve my running and overall health in order "To get sub 1:47". How I wrote it is exactly how I said it, and she assumed that I meant my weight (not race PR). She quickly told me that there was no reason for me to EVER want to be that low. She said that she thought I looked small for my size, and healthy at the same time and that I was perfect just the way I am. (OK... not her exact words, but something along those lines ;) ).

This is just one of those moments where I wish that I saw myself through the same eyes that other people saw me. When I stepped on the scale today, I weighed in at 148.2... and I feel like I weight 160. I wish that I could say that I felt like I was the perfect size... but I don't. However, I am currently in a place to accept that I am what I am, and there is nothing better that I can be. For today, 148.2 is a WONDERFUL size, and I am grateful that I can wake up almost everyday and run a few miles. I appreciate all that my body allows me to do, and hope that it continues to let me do it.

This post was suppose to be about Balance... but it turned in to so much more than that... I am going to write up a separate post about that topic.

Take Care!!!