67 Days of Abstinence

Good Morning, Beautiful People!

I was way too tired to update last night when I got home, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't get an update on my progress.

Yesterday I took a chip for my 60 days of abstinence!!!

Well, It was really my 67th day of abstinence... But I did not go to a meeting at all last week because of finals, so I just got to take it last night. I wasn't expecting it, but I was REALLY excited. There was a lot of good energy in the room (and 4 birthdays... including my Sponsors!!!).. so I guess I was able to just feel excited about it :)

I have had a very interesting journey with my abstinence. I went from loving it, to hating it, to abusing it, to pushing the limits DANGEROUSLY far... and today I am in acceptance of it.

When I took my 30 day chip, I was overly focused on all the things that my abstinence WASN'T, and all the things I hadn't yet achieved. At day 67, I am able to look at all the things I DON'T do anymore.

1. I don't throw up every night

2. I don't stop at stores, gas stations and 7-11's on my way home to buy random foods and scarf them down in my car before I get home.

3. I don't stop at Drive thru's and order enough food to feed 3 people
4. I express my feelings when they are making me upset, sad, angry, lovey dovey.. etc. and I don't allow myself to feel bad about it!

I still have a lot of progress to make, but hey! It's progress not perfection ;) Now that I am on summer break, I am trying to get into a new routine. I am going to start my morning with reading and mediation/prayer. The readings will be For Today, a passage on acceptance from the Big Book (pg. 416) and the script on Recovery from Carolyn Costin on Recovery. My goal is to try and do this EVERY SINGLE MORNING for two weeks. Today was day 2 :)

Anyways... I'm going to be going to Temecula with my best friend, Allison, today. We're walking a half marathon together tomorrow morning and getting to spend some good quality time together! I know it is going to be WONDERFUL! But before I do that, I still have to pack, and I want to get in a short run this morning. So, I'm just going to give you my AEIOU's from yesterday. I will be taking my lap top with me, but I don't think I'll have Internet... so I will update you when I can.

A-Yes, and Sober with my food for the 3rd day in a row :)
Breakfast: Mediterranean Egg White omelet (sun dried tomatoes, feta cheese, olives... yum) with avocado, salsa and hot sauce on Flat bread with a side of grapes and strawberries
Snack 1: Starbucks Skinny vanilla latte and a banana
Lunch: Oatmeal with trader Joe's Breakfast trail mix
Dinner: Veggie burger on a sandwich think with rice and steamed veggies with cilantro dressing and hot sauce
Snack2: Greek Yogurt

E- hiked 4 miles (1:10), 30 minute walk with my man

I- began my day with reading and prayer, enjoyed family and friends,   bought some new summer duds, went to a meeting, took my 60 day chip, spoke honestly about my feelings, gave away my food history

O- checked in on two fellows, thanked the speaker, gave my mom a ride, made Tyler dinner

U- I really did have to let go of purging in its own to see how powerless I am over food.

Have a Beautiful Day!!!

Checking In!

And the award for WORST blog updater goes tooooooooo.......................

ME

I'm hoping you'll hate me less with a cute pug in my arms!

Fun Fact: It is exactly 1 month until my 27th Birthday!!!!!

Well, I am PLEASED to report that I am officially done with my first year of GRADUATE SCHOOL!!! I managed to survive the hell that was Finals Day, and am ready to move forward in life. Since dealing with the stress of finals, I have managed to get myself back on the sober track :) Today is my 3rd day being sober with my food, and I am SO GRATEFUL for the ability to do so. I am at day 67 with my abstinence though!!! Which is pretty awesome. I haven't thrown up in over 67 days... that's a flippin miracle and I am proud to report it :) I didn't go to any meetings last week, so I get to take my 60 day chip at tomorrow nights meeting :) I'm very excited about this. It should be awesome.

I've had a lot of good things happen in the last week since I posted, and many things to be grateful for!

1. I was nominated for and awarded a $3750 fellowship at school! It's really nice to be recognized by faculty and be rewarded for my hard work... even if I don't think I deserve it (somebody did). Even better, was a very good friend of mine also earned the award!!! We both have mental health issues, so it made it seem even more special (me with my ED and her with her OCD). There was a fun dinner event and EVERYTHING that i took my mom to. She was the only parent there, but I'm really glad I had her with me.

2. I am going to be spending my 2nd Year Internship at the San Fernando Valley Mental Health Center!!! This was my top choice, and I am so blessed to be getting this opportunity. I really did not think it was going to work out the way I wanted it to, so I surprised and Grateful!!

3. I made it through 67 days of abstinence! I rock!

I'm sure there was a lot more, but that's all I can recall right now. I am now applying for a new job working with foster youth and will be applying for another fellowship in the next two weeks, so please send some good vibes my way.

OK. Here is the good stuff for the day

A- Yes. And sober with my food

Breakfast: Egg whites and 1 yolk, kale, mushrooms, salsa, organic waffles with peanut butter and banana

Snack: Pear and chocolate milk

Lunch: Vegetarian Gyro (1 cup mixed beans, feta cheese, salad mix, avocado, black olives and gherkin pickles) 2 baby apricots

Snack: Greek yogurt with granola

Dinner: Sausage, veggies and potatoes with corn Chile salsa

E- Ran 5 miles (48 minutes), walked for 5, cleaned my ENTIRE kitchen (while dancing to music : D ), 2 loads of towels!

I-  Began my day with For Today, and another reading, Spent the day with my best friend running errands, ate my breakfast outside :), enjoyed easing in to my day, Didn't get upset that I didn't clean my room today, went to a meeting, made plans for a hike with a friend tomorrow

O- Lent money to a friend, checked in on two fellows, cleaned my kitchen for my family, made my step dad lunch for tomorrow :)

U- I am making a commitment to be good to myself, which includes eating well-balanced and abstinent meals, expressing my feelings readily, making time each morning for meditation, prayer and/or reading, an regularly attending OA meetings. I am redefining my standards for myself, and will aim for PROGRESS not PERFECTION. Today, I feel good about myself (Abstinence, pg. 158)

Have a Peaceful Night

My Reason for Living

Today was a GREAT day... although not very productive :/ In fact, I just decided two hours ago that I am changing the topic of my paper that is due on Thursday (Yikes!), so now any of the little work I DID do... is null and void.

I don't know how you feel, but I liked the way I did my AEIOU's yesterday, so I am going to do it again... because I like it :)


Abstinence- Yes. and sober with my food

Breakfast: 1/2 cup oats with berries and banana, 3 egg whites and 1 yolk, kale, mushrooms, salsa, black olives and avocado
Lunch: Homemade Vegetarian Soup with Feta cheese
Snack: Greek Yogurt parfait- Plain yogurt, Cheerio's Medley cereal, almonds, homemade applesauce and a couple cherries (aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh mazing!!!!!!!!)
Dinner: Veggie Burger on flatbread with grilled veggies

Exercise: I was extremely blessed to be given the gift of another overcast and chilly morning. This is my absolute favorite weather to run in, and it made for a blissful 6.11 mile run this morning. I'm still "breaking in" my new Brooks Ravenna 4's... and they were a little uncomfortable today. I think i am going to try putting my athletic inserts in to see if it provides more cushioning for my feet.

What I did for myself: I woke up and read some literature, I "lazied" around, I did not compulsively buy EVERYTHING cute at target, I went to a meeting. I

What I did for Others: I took my mom for her surgery at 5:30am this morning. I held her hand while they inserted the needle into her port, and reassured her that everything would be OK when she cried. I sat with her until she was taken to be anesthetized. I checked in on two fellows, I was present for a fellow after the meeting and made some solid suggestions.

What did I Uncover: Food is a life source, and not my reason for living. While I was running, I had a very interesting meditation come to my mind about how I view food. I suppose it turned into more a mantra that I kept repeating, but it feel very liberating to have these thoughts:

Food is not a reward for doing something good and it is not a punishment for not being a "perfect" human being. Food is neither my friend when I feel I have no one else to turn to, or my enemy in times of anger and frustration. Food can not provide me with comfort when I am hurt or sad and it is not the solution to any of my problems. Food is not something to hate, or love to fear or worship. I does not understand my problems and can not empathize with my feelings. Food can not Food is fuel. Food is a nutritious substance that is consumed in order to sustain life, provide energy and  promote growth. 

Food is a life source, and not my reason for living.

I may not be completely convinced of this yet, but it is the truth. I have been using food to serve functions that it is not meant to serve. Reminding myself of this is the only way that I am going to learn how to properly use it, and not abuse it.

What a day! Now time to keep it going :) Good night!

Sobriety: Day 1

Today was a Good day. I'll tell you about it through my AEIOU's

Abstinence: I was abstinent today, and I made it through the day Sober with my food.
I ate eggs and oats with a banana for breakfast, had a good Tofurkey sandwich on flatbread for lunch with an apple and made a delicious dinner of a sweet potato, grilled veggies and vegetarian sausage. I also had a Greek yogurt as a snack while dinner was cooking. Today is the first day I've REALLY been sober with my food all week. I'm grateful for this gift today.

Exercise: I woke up and went for a run today... I've been avoiding it since Wednesday. It was an extremely slow run (about a minute slower than my usual time), but it felt good. I didn't go run until about 8:30, but it was just getting warm as I was finishing. So cal summer weather is beginning to be in full swing, and I am not going to be able to sleep in that late all too often.

What I did for myself: I really allowed today to be a self-care day. I slept in a little (6 o clock felt too early). I listened to my body for when it was hungry, tired, needed a break, wasn't feeling right. I worked on my school paper (even though I REALLY didn't want to), I checked in with my sponsor and was honest about not wanting to stop working out. I went to a wonderful meeting at 5pm that I really needed to be at.

What I did for Others :I shared a message I heard with a fellow and my sponsor. I thanked the meeting speaker for their share.

What did I Uncover: I uncovered three important messages today at the meeting.

1. I miss waking up and looking forward to eating my breakfast. Almost everyday I make the same thing for breakfast: 3 egg whites with kale, mushrooms, salsa, avocado, flatbread and fruit. Because I have been spending most of my nights binging.... I don't look forward to breakfast anymore. When I wake up, I feel full, bloated, gross and I usually am craving a bunch of sugary carbs! Not my delicious, healthy protein and grains :(. I want to enjoy my breakfast again, which means I have to give up binging late at night.

2.My feelings are like a volcano. They build up and start to get close to the top, which is when I begin to use my bulimia and my binging to cap it off. As long as I eat, or throw up, or over exercise my feelings are unable to be released. As soon as I STOP engaging in these behaviors my feelings ERUPT in an uncontrollable mess that will not stop until everything in its path is destructed.

3. My HP is looking down on me, watching, and hoping for me to finish everyday successfully. She cheers for me when I got to be abstinent and sober, and she cries for me when I return to hurting myself with the food. She loves me unconditionally, has no agenda for me and wants nothing but for me to live happy, joyous, and free. I am tired of hurting my HP, and want all the same things for myself that she wants for me.

Tomorrow is going to be a very long day, but I am going to go into it abstinent and sober. My mother is having her last surgery, and I need to be present for her tomorrow.

Have a Peaceful Monday!

1 is 1 too many and 10,000 is never enough...

II heard this shared at a meeting tonight, and MAN is it true. There are so many foods in my life that this is true for, that's it's actually sort of scary. But sometimes I get too caught up in the CANT HAVES that I forget all about all the wonderful things I do have in life. (Is that a Gratitude list I hear coming on?!?!?!)

1. Beautiful Southern California Weather
2. A roof over my head in a quiet, safe and friendly neighborhood
3. Reliable Transportation
4. A family that is will to do anything to help support me, and almost always puts my needs first
5. AMAZING NEW TUPPERWARE!!!
6. Friends who are flexible and gracious enough to give me so many gifts
7. My strong voice back :)
8. That I no longer have to go to internship and can use my time freely
9. My five senses
10. A program that keeps me grounded!

I called my sponsor tonight just wanting to check in and she gave me an impromptu five minute writing assignment on: The correlation between food and Exercise:

Food is fuel to allow me to do the things I need to do in any given day. Sleep, breathe, move, sit, stand, be the daughter, girlfriend, best friends, sponsee, student and Social Worker that I need to be. Exercise is what helps keep my body and mind active. When I run, it is my time to think, and physically work out the problems that I am unable to solve while my body is at rest. Both of these things are necessary to my everyday life. When I exercise, I feel good about myself. I feel that I have accomplished something in my day and done something positive for myself. Food then becomes my reward for doing this "good deed" for my body. "Great job killing that 6 mile run, Christina!!! You are awesome, and deserve a wonderfully nutritious breakfast!!!" When I don't exercise I feel as though I haven't treated my body appropriately, and I immediately feel like, "well, you didn't exercise... so why fuel yourself with anything good?" You indulged in your laziness, so you might as well keep at it with the "bad habits". 

_________________________________________________________________________________

My relationship with food and exercise has changed a lot in just the last few months. It use to be the exercise was my punishment for binging and purging the night before. A way to physically "melt away" my shame and disgust with myself. I never felt as though I was making progress, and I just felt as though I was mediocre at best. Now, exercise is a reward for treating my body right, and almost my permission to continue to eat well. It is the only way that I can feel good about feeling hungry. Which is insane, because hunger is a natural human feeling that we all should be feeling at various times in the day!

It's a work in progress.

I still have some reading to do, and very much would like to go to sleep. I have had a very productive, and good day, and I would like to end it on that note :)

A- Yes. And I was sober with my food.
Breakfast: 3 egg whites and 1 yolk, kale and mushrooms, with salsa and avocado. 1/2 cup of oats with banana and honey
Snack 1: Nectarine and almonds
Lunch: Veggie burger on a sandwich thin with olives, feta cheese and romaine mix with mashed sweet potatoes and grilled broccoli, asparagus and cauliflower
Snack 2: chobani blueberry Greek yogurt with chia seeds, hemp seeds and walnuts (it was gross... never again)
Dinner: Home made 3 bean vegetarian soup and half a piece of flat bread with hummus

E- I ran about 5.25miles. (My watch died, so I just ran the same route I walked on Monday). I also did a lot of house cleaning (laundry, cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, cleaned my bed sheets and made the bed).

I- I moved at my own pace today. I prayed to my HP and wrote down a new daily meditation, I read Just for Today, I took my time with everything, I returned phone calls I had been avoiding, I exchanged running shoes that were too small, I went to a meeting, I checked in with my sponsor when I felt like binging, I asked if rescheduling something with friends would be possible (even though I was scared they would be mad). I started working on my paper, I did reading for class tomorrow :),

O- I spoke with two fellows, donated my old running shoes, I cleaned and did laundry for my Mom

U- There is always going to be a reason for me to go to the food (heck... I don't really need a reason). Most often it is going to be FEAR of something, and we project what we fear. I am afraid of being alone forever, so I isolate knowing that I wont ever have to be disappointing. When I am judgmental of others, it is usually because I am being very judgmental towards myself.  But my strength is going to shine through when I am able to be gentle and compassionate with myself and accepting of others. It is OK to be scared, but it is not OK to live in fear. My solution is faith... faith that WHATEVER is suppose to happen will happen. For today, I can let go of my self serving fear (I wont get what I want, how I want it, when I want) and I will open my heart to my HP's will for me.

I feel Pity... So Much Pity...

Hi!

Sorry to go MIA on you guys... but it was not a pretty weekend! I went to bed friday night after bingeing on some not so pretty foods :( I woke up Saturday feeling even more congested and sicker than Friday and could not breathe! I decided that I was not going to run my race on Sunday... which was really crushing to my Ego... So I decided to pity binge/sleep/dope myself up with medications all day on Saturday and Sunday (Not a good idea/ insert lost of unnecessary foods and self pity here!). Secretly, I think I was hoping I would just wake up Monday and it would all be over..... like a bad nightmare.

Well, Monday Morning came and I decided it was time to get out of self pity mode. I took a shower, took a shower, made myself a good breakfast, went for a nice 5 mile walk, and even spent the evening catching up with a really good friend....... but THHHHHEN the food started talking to me and I gave me... #Recoveryfail

I woke up today still feeling sick, still feeling miserable and not wanting to do anything. I made it through most of my day, but then at 3:30pm (after waiting waaaaay TOO long to eat, I was craving sweets). I started with vending machine cookies (big no no) and then wanted to have a donut. Luckily for me... there were none... so I came home and just ate random foods. I didn't snap back in to reality until I realized that I was ignoring a call from my best friend in the whole world so that I could play the self pity game.... Christina Michelle... WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!

I snapped out of my food delirium and called her back right away. We talked for an hour.. I cried, she empowered me and I fessed up to the box of Graham Crackers and jar of frosting that were hiding under my bed (and still are).

I am avoiding conflict in my life like CRAZY right now... and my solution is to go to the food. However... that is NOT going to work. I just have to stop. I'm done eating for the night. I'm done pitying myself for the night, and the rest is history. I need to start putting in the footwork again...on all levels of my recovery... not just the ones that I want to work. So tomorrow is another day :)

A- Yes. But I was not sober with my food.

Breakfast: Oatmeal

Snack: banana and PB

Lunch: 3 hardboiled egg whites with flatbread, string cheese, kale, mushrooms and avocado and a pear

Snack: yogurt and a package of M & M cookies

Dinner: .... i dont think it can be called a dinner.... Bagel with Cream Cheese, Veggie Straws, bowl of cereal, reminants of a PB jar, chocolate covered raisins, organic chex mix, a hershey's kiss, Bowl of turtle Ice cream, 

Tomorrow:

Breakfast: Eggs, veggies, avocado and 1/2 cup of oatmeal, and Banana

Snack: Greek yogurt almonds

Lunch: Rice Veggies and Tofu

Snack: Fruit and String cheese

Dinner: Home made vegetarian soup with flatbread and Hummus :)

E- I took a 40 minute walk around campus with my friend and then did 30 minutes on the elliptical at the gym and stretching

I- I went to class, I answered my best friends call and told her how I was REALLY feeling about things going on in my life right now, I was honest with my sponsor, I went to the doctor to check on my cold (which according to him is "just bad sinuses"), I laughed with my classmate, I read "For Today", I asked God for Help, I checked my voicemail

O- I reached out to two fellows, I held the door open for someone, I cleaned out my voicemail box, I gave empathy and compassion to a fellow in need

U- I am being very resistant to change right now because I do not want to face my fears. I am afraid of failing in my recovery, so I am not giving myself the chance to succeed. I would rather avoid the conflict that comes along with change and seek "comfort" in the food. I am getting "stuck" on the negative and forgetting about all of the positives that I have in my life. Mistakes are PART of the process, not THE process. Simply because I am not perfect, does not mean that I am a failure and i can not keep beating myself up for not being "berfect".  I want to push away the people that are encouraging me to grow so that I can stay where I am most comfortable (in the discomfort)... but this is a temporary feeling that I can not hold on to any longer. My name is Christina, and I am a Compulsive Overeater and my disease wants me to die sad, miserable and alone. But I want to live Happy, Joyous and Free and am willing to go to ANY lengths to get there.... Starting with the AEIOU's 

Mom

Hello Beautiful People,

I feel like CRAP today!!! I woke up with a tickle in my throat that has now transitioned into a REALLY annoying runny nose. I keep telling myself that it is "Just Sinuses" because I have a Half Marathon on Sunday!!! I really don't want to miss this race, but if this progresses any more... I am going to have to bail out :(. My plan is to rest up tonight when I get home and see how I feel in the morning before driving to Ventura to pick up my bib. I'm praying to the race Gods that this is just a mild issue that will magically resolve itself by then. A girl can dream, can't she?!?!

I had group therapy today, and it was acutally a PERFECT topic/theme for what I have been struggling with this week. Normally we just go over the goals we had set for the Week and end up talking about issues we're having, but instead the facilitator brought in an exercise on the Family System (Oh Joy). It basically asked us to look at our role within our families (however we define that) and see what function our ED is playing in helping us maintain that role.

As I mentioned the other day, struggling with some feelings I am having towards my mother. Thankfully I have not been eating over the issue, but I know it is something that I have done very viciously in the past. I kept meaning to write about it... but I have been so preoccupied with school that I hadn't really had a moment to process what has been going on. Well, today I got that chance!

My mother is a wonderful and caring person. Growing up I watched her play the role of the single parent so heroically, that I always use to wish that I could grow up to be just like her. I thought that she was brave, fearless and strong... and she showed me that anything is possible as long as you don't let the bullshit drag you down. Being that I was her only child she pretty much spoiled me rotten and showed me nothing but PURE and unconditional love.  I was never left wanting for more. We were always very close, and for a good period of time, she was my best friend. Growing up, we did EVERYTHING together. We would spend time together watching TV in bed, we always ate dinner together, we both have a shopping addiction and she was a volunteer co-leader for all of my girl scout troops. She attended every soccer game I played, ever choir concert I sang in, every stage show that I preformed in (even when I was just an ensemble member) and was always a chaperone for school trips. I could talk to my mom about EVERYTHING. School, boys, sex, relationship (yes those are 3 different things), work, you name it... me and my mom discussed it. She always made me feel heard and that my thoughts mattered. I still, to this day, talk to my mother daily... and not just because I live in her house. I did the same thing when I lived in Riverside too. Sure, we had our disagreement on some things, but most of the time we got along just fine.

This was also probably because our main interest that we shared was food. We both loved to eat sweets, and big portions. It was not uncommon for us to spend an entire Saturday sitting in bed watching TV with a container of Oreo's... finishing at least one sleeve each. Second helpings were the standard, not an option and fruit and vegetables were pretty much non existent. We loved, more than anything, to go out to eat at Restaurants. We would eat Fast Food nearly at least a couple times a weekly, and Home Town Buffet was a frequent trip for us. Together we lived a life of unhealthy choices and no intent on changing that.

My ED has greatly changed my relationship with my mother. When I first told her about it several years ago, she blamed her self and felt as though she had made me the way I am. I tried to explain to her that this just wasn't true, but for the first time ever I became uncomfortable talking about a subject with my mom. I didn't want her to feel responsible for the binging and purging that I did. After all, it's not as if she MADE me put my fingers down my throat and vomit. To be honest, the disconnect between me and my mom began way before I "came out" to her about my ED. When I first started losing weight and exercising it changed our relationship. My mother had no interest in getting healthy, changing her eating habits or working out... but this became my LIFE. I was obsessed with losing weight, being as thin as possible... and we just sort of drifted apart. Through this drift, I began to resent my mother.

As I got thinner, she became fatter, and I became more embarrassed by her. I mean, how could she be ok wearing a 2x shirt and size 32 jeans?!?! I would have DIED. (Even typing that out hurts my heart). To think that I could have thoughts like this about the woman I loved most in life... but this was how I viewed her. I wanted her to want to be thin, like me. For the first time in my life I wanted to be ANYTHING but my Mother. There was no way that I was going to wind up at the age of 50 with so many health problems and people around me that wanted to spend time with me and I couldn't put down the damn cheese sodium and chocolate. Soon, my mom's obesity began to create lots of health complications for her. She has hypertension, diabetes, hyperthyroidsm (and now Ovarian Cancer). I became very angry with my mother... couldn't she see that she was slowly killing herself?!?! She is robbing ME of having her in my life for as long as humanly possible. Per her doctors advice and persuasion she would slowly start to change the way she was eating, but it was always inevitable that she would have cakes, cookies and Ice cream in the house at all hours of the day. The problem was she would eat one or two servings and I would inhale the rest before she ever had a chance to eat more. I began to feel resent towards her for that... because she was, unknowingly, "feeding" my addiction.

I hated myself for having these type of feelings about my mother. I was ashamed, angry, and I felt extreme guilt for having negative thoughts about the woman who had done NOTHING but love me unconditionally. I must have been the most ungrateful bitch ever known to man kind. So, I used my ED to punish myself for feeling this way about her. I used binging to help numb out my feelings or preoccupy my thoughts so that it was impossible for me to think the horrible things I thought. I purged as a way to deal with my guilt and shame. I may have wanted my mom to be another person, but I didn't have to worry about that if I was too busy feeling guilty and shameful towards myself.

For the last week I have managed to get very "sober" with my food, and have been sticking to my meal plan, and going to the gym regularly. Which means that all of my usual coping mechanism (binging and purging) are out the door right now. Lately, I have been snapping at my mom and saying some really hurtful things to her. Like, the other day she came home from a lecture at the Cancer Support Community declaring that she "Wants To Go Organic!!!". My response to her was... "Well, I'm sorry that it took getting cancer to finally get you to make some healthy decisions, but welcome to the club." Then when I came home from internship the next day I found a new container of Dryer's Ice Cream and a box of cinnamon loaf cake on the kitchen table. I became so angry, upset and disgusted.

1. It's really hard for me having those foods in the house because they're are very triggering for me

2. Because she doesn't need to be eating them with her diabetes, hypertension and all the GMO's could cause more cancerous cells in her body and the doctor keeps telling her she needs to lose weight.

All I could think was, "Well, here goes another empty promise." She asked me to go for a 30 minute walk with her, and I obliged (I will promote ANYTHING healthy in my mom's life). We had a really nice walk and as we were about to finish I brought up the new foods I found in the fridge... but in such a way that I just felt like a horrible human being: "You HAVE to stop buying that shit, Mom. What happened to going all organic?!?!? Do you know how bad all that stuff is for you?!?! If you can't stop picking up junk food every time you go to the grocery store I'm not going to allow you to go to the store by yourself anymore."

I was like a parent scolding her child for sneaking out of the house. I immediately saw in her face that I hurt her and her only reply was, "I know. I'm trying and it's going to take time" (I feel like I've had to say the same thing to Tyler on MANY occasions). I tried to apologize later, but I just felt awful.

Why am I hurting the woman who love me so much?!?!

Someone brought gourmet cupcakes the size of my head and several boxes of chocolate chip cookies to my SPC shit... BASTARDS!!! I got out of the shift without eating any, or even wanting any, but I was envisioning myself going home and binging. While I was driving home today I was rambling about all the feelings I was having to a good friend in OA. I had called her because I was thinking about binging and needed to get out of my own head ... instead she helped me uncover the missing link that I was avoiding. Me saying mean, and hurtful things to my mother is the little girl inside of me acting out. She is TERRRIFIED of losing her Mommy and she is willing to do anything to not focus on the fear. She is going to kick and scream and throw a fit (aka be mean, want to binge and take it out on everyone else) until I can show her that she is safe, and that whatever happens to her Mommy... she is going to be ok. The only way to do this is to not go to the food, and soothe her, and take care of her to prove to her that she is in good hands.

The reality is that one day my mother is going to pass away, and I am going to be left without her. But I do not have to be afraid because she raised me to be a smart, loving, and wonderful woman who can take care of herself no matter what. So For Today, I am going to take care of the frightened little girl who lives in fear of losing her mommy, and show her that it is going to be ok.

Even now, I still find myself wanting to change things about my mom. I keep hoping that my mom is going to hit "Rock Bottom" and have some big grandiose revelation and start eating healthy and running with me in the morning... the reality is... THIS WILL PROBABLY NEVER HAPPEN. And I need to learn to accept my mother EXACTLY as she is... and stop trying to control her life because I can't control mine. I need to accept her for who she is... RIGHT NOW and understand that she has her own life to live, and I can not preoccupy myself with her choices and decision. I can learn to express my concern for her in a much healthier way that does not become hurtful to her.

I'm really not feeling good, So i'm just going to do the Cliff Notes AEIOU version tonight so I can go envision taking care of my little girl.

A- Yes. Stuck to the plan I created yesterday. Here is Tomorrow's plan.

SATURDAY

1 cup Oatmeal with almonds, coconut, honey blueberries and cherries

Skinny Vanilla Latte and Banana

Pasta, veggies and sausage

Greek yogurt with cereal and almonds

Salad with Hard boiled eggs

E- I stupidly went for a 5.4 mile run today. I also had to walk to the far vending machine for coffee

I- I prayed to my HP, read Just for Today, fed myself sober foods, Checked in when I knew things "could" get messy, reached out to a fellow when I started thinking about binging, comforted the little girl inside me

O- I text a newcomer, reached out to another fellow, spoke with 2 suicidal callers, accepted my mother for who she is right now

U-  Me saying mean, and hurtful things to my mother is the little girl inside of me acting out. She is TERRRIFIED of losing her Mommy and she is willing to do anything to not focus on the fear. She is going to kick and scream and throw a fit (aka be mean, want to binge and take it out on everyone else) until I can show her that she is safe, and that whatever happens to her Mommy... she is going to be ok. The only way to do this is to not go to the food, and soothe her, and take care of her to prove to her that she is in good hands.

I'm going to go veg out with some tv and hopefully sleep until 6am tomorrow :)

Pray that I wake up feeling better than I do right now :/

God, Just for Today, please help me stay abstinent and sober with my food and give me the willingness to reach out when my desire to do this is lacking.